Lack of support about operation

[SweatySpider321]

I have an operation coming up soon and lm increasingly frustrated to everyone's response to it. Very little support or understanding has been given to me by various people. I haven't put this in AIBU because l know lm not unreasonable! I'm not thrilled by having the operation but needs must

My husband is reluctant to take leave or ask his parents for any assistance. This would be for care of our 2 young children rather than me, l won't be able to drive at first (so wouldn’t be able to drive them to childcare) and then will be in pain / taking pain relief. He hasn't said he's annoyed directly but it's clear he is. I have made clear to him that l will be resting in bed if l feel sufficiently unwell. I think he's hoping l will leap off the operating table straight into business as usual 🙄

My immediate manager "kindly" queried if l would be making up the hours l am off work. Why would l?! I'm will be taking sick leave as l will be sick rather than off. Ironically the operation is being done by the NHS, partly to correct an error the NHS made in another procedure. I also work for the NHS. It's not cosmetic work l am having done. I haven't had any other absence or sickness this year so far

My mother is put out l won't be hosting Christmas. I already said l wouldn't be hosting it anyway as it's not my turn. Plus they were all so lazy and entitled last time l hosted. But she is attributing it to the operation

On the face of it, you are not being unreasonable. The only way you would be is if you are making a much bigger deal of the recovery than it actually is, e.g. lying in bed for a broken finger reset.

Husband has seen the pre-information form from the hospital. It’s very explicit about rest, not lifting, not driving etc. But yeah it’s not a broken finger!

It seems to be quite a theme on MN that DHs and DPs don't take kindly to the OP having the audacity to be unwell or incapacitated in some way. So where as your H's lack of support isn't acceptable OP it doesn't come as a great surprise.
Very sad though that your mother is being so selfish and your Manager's attitude is also out of order.
I hope the operation is successful OP. Take as much time to rest and recover as you need. Put your needs and your health first.

Your husband and your mum should be supporting you and not thinking about themselves and your manager clearly doesn’t understand compassion or procedure. Just have your operation and ignore the lot of them, take your sick pay as needed, take whatever time you need to get better then resume life with the knowledge those around you are a pain in the ass.

Unfortunately l have noticed that theme as well and others have compared it to “a broken appliance”. I think he needs some natural consequences of his actions, l have made clear l will be incapacitated and he if chooses not to that on board then that’s up to him
Thanks for the kind words. Interesting my husband, mum and boss aren’t doing similarly

My thoughts exactly. I’m just going to do what l need to do. I'm not thrilled by it all either and it will hardly be a jolly. I'm the first to say it's not very convenient -they even tried to bring it forward to today earlier week but l said no. So l am keeping other people in mind.
Going forward l will be mindful of the little thought it support that was given to me

You need to have the operation and watch everyone cover for you. It sounds like you a generally a lovely person and everyone is edging their bets and making you feel guilty. IGNORE THEM.
I hope your operation goes well. Take all the bloody time off you need and don't be rushing back anywhere, home or work. Appreciate some you time.
YOU NEED TO FOCUS ON YOU.

I dont normally do capital lettters, but I think you need them!

if be getting rid of my husband and speaking to HR about my manager
don’t stand for this shit x

My husband and boss l am surprised by. I was going to suggest to my husband we try to do some play date trades, do some batch cook for the freezers etc. But l don’t see the point as it’s going to be “fine”. I think it’s one of those situations he needs to find out for himself, if he won’t listen to me. If lm feeling unwell then l will be resting and he can hold the fort. I won’t be driving to childcare etc anyway as l can’t at first. I’m giving my boss zero heed, l know the work sick policy and l don’t know she doesn’t. I’ve already replied to email from her which cc’s in our ultimate manager, advising l will be taking sick leave
My mum has form though she came to visit after l first had twins, after a couple of hours suggests a nap which l naively think is for me. No, she disappears off to my spare room and goes to sleep. She’s very tone deaf, l wasn’t even sure why she was tired as me / my husband were getting up in the night and doing all the baby care

This reminds me of when my Mum had serious bowel resection surgery for Crohn’s when I was about 9. My Dad left her to get a taxi home on her own when she was discharged from the hospital and went on a business trip leaving me alone with Mum at home. She never felt the same about him after that and they divorced when I was 12.

Don’t worry l am ignoring them. I normally do my share, go above and beyond. I won’t even have time to make up the sick time even if l wanted to! But operation recovery is one of those things that’s needed and l will be holding my boundary. If / when the boot is on the other foot, then l will be very mindful of what “support” l received (or not) and won’t be getting involved

I can see why she was left feeling that. Shame on your dad as that’s awful

Tbh I'd be inclined to let them all drop the damn plates.

Have a back up plan for your own needs - hide snacks / drinks and meds in your bedroom before the surgery perhaps, and let the rest of them go hungry / late / missing events.

I was all but bed bound for a month last summer - made it to the sofa for an hour or two here and there after the first week - but no kids here and was fortunate to have a DH who was off work at the same time as he was between deployments. I ate some weird bloody meals and a lot of tinned soup 😂 but he managed to provide sufficient cups of tea and jars of apple puree (helped keep things moving). And I took a LOT of heavy duty pain killers to sleep at night which helped me most of all.

Can you get your DH in with the doctor/ nurses to spell out exactly what rest you should have and the consequences down the line of more time out and complications if you don’t, then you can use those words as back up if needed and remind DH that he heard them too.

No need. He also works for the NHS and knows this stuff. He’s just being an arsehole / avoidant / ignorant depending on how you wish to interpret it

I would be considering going to a hotel for my recovery.

It doesnt sound like your DH is going to be able to manage the kids properly, let alone bring you a cup of tea/make you dinner or keep the household going. I worry that you will see things going wrong/being left and will heave yourself out of bed (even when you know you shouldnt

A hotel with clean sheets, room service and peace and quiet might be much better for you than chaos and a grumpy passive agressive husband

Good ideas! Snacks are always good especially for recovery. I find oat, fruit and butter homemade flapjacks are great for constipation so l can make a batch for myself

Well, he needs the natural consequences of his actions and l won’t be getting out of bed to intervene. He has some options but doesn’t seem to want to use them. Plus personally l am not willing to pay for a hotel room when l have a perfectly good bed at home

I would book myself into a hotel for a week
No doubt when you are ill/ resting he will be an arsehole to you
Then when you are recovered, start getting your ducks in a row