i just turned 21 and have been with my DP (22) for 3.5 years. We’re very close, love each other and generally have a pretty good relationship now, which is why I’m finding this so difficult.
I should probably add some context because our relationship hasn’t always been easy. Earlier in our relationship there were some periods that were pretty unhealthy and, at times, felt borderline abusive. He could be very emotionally explosive and we would get overstimulated a lot as we both have autism. There was a lot of shouting, name-calling, disrespect and lying. Things are considerably better now and he has changed a lot, but I don’t want to pretend that history didn’t happen because I wonder whether it could be relevant.
Over the last year or so, our sex life has gradually disappeared. At first I thought it was just sex, but I’ve realised it’s actually intimacy in general. He very rarely initiates sex, but he also doesn’t really initiate kissing, making out, touching, cuddling in a sexual way etc. It feels like the entire physical side of our relationship has just switched off.
We used to have a much more physical relationship, so this is a huge change for me.
There was a period where we had a contagious skin infection, which obviously meant we couldn’t have sex for around 6 months. During this time we both spoke a lot about how we can’t wait to be able to finally be with each other again… The infection has been gone for around 8 months now, but things haven’t naturally gone back to how they were.
I’ve spoken to him about it several times. He says he still finds me attractive and that he does want things to improve, but his explanation is basically that he got used to not having sex and that his “body and brain” have become accustomed to not doing it. He says he doesn’t really have anything else to say about it.
The confusing part is that I’m not just asking why we aren’t having sex. I’m trying to understand why he seems to have lost the desire for physical intimacy altogether.
I’ve told him how much this affects me and how unwanted it makes me feel. We’ve had conversations where he has said he wants to rebuild things, but then very little actually changes afterwards.
I’m not expecting constant sex or for him to force himself to do anything he doesn’t want to. I just miss feeling desired by my partner and having that natural physical connection.
Has anyone experienced something similar where a long period without sex genuinely seemed to switch off their desire for their partner? If so, did it actually come back?
And given our history, could the previous emotional difficulties in the relationship have affected intimacy even though things are much better now? I’m trying to understand whether this is something that can gradually be rebuilt, or whether something fundamental has changed.
I’d really appreciate perspectives from people who have experienced a similar loss of both sex and general physical affection, particularly after a difficult period in the relationship.