I’ve been with my partner for a few years and we have children together. We separated for around 7 years and got back together about a year ago. Our children remember the previous separation and are very anxious about us splitting up again. Because of that, I feel an enormous amount of pressure to make this relationship work.
I’m also a survivor of a previous abusive relationship. Because of what I experienced in the past, I sometimes struggle to trust my own judgement about what is and isn't healthy in a relationship. I worry that I might be seeing normal relationship conflict as something more serious because of my past, but equally I worry that my past has made me more likely to question myself and minimise things that actually aren't healthy.
The problem is that I’m increasingly unhappy, overwhelmed and feel like I’ve lost myself.
There are several things going on, and I’m struggling to work out whether these are normal relationship problems that we could work through, or whether there is something more unhealthy happening.
My partner works 37 hours a week in a high-pressure job, and I work 30 hours a week in a physically demanding job. I absolutely recognise that his job is stressful and that he gets tired. At the same time, I also come home physically exhausted from work, so sometimes I feel like the demands of both of our jobs aren't being recognised equally.
When I try to talk to my partner about how I’m feeling, I often feel like my feelings aren’t really heard. Sometimes he becomes withdrawn or gives me the silent treatment, particularly when I’ve done something independently or spent time with other people. I can end up feeling guilty for doing things for myself.
Money is another source of tension. He sometimes points out that he contributes more financially due to our wage differences, and this can leave me feeling as though my contribution to the household and family isn't valued in the same way.
There are also situations where I feel criticised or undermined. For example, I might be doing something around the house such as making dinner and he will take over or criticise how I’m doing it, even though we’ve previously talked about how this makes me feel.
Today there was another situation that has really upset me and made me question things.
My partner found out my rota for one particular week. I’m working 6 hours on Friday and then 12-hour shifts on Saturday and Sunday. He became upset because he says that after working five days himself that week, he is then left with the children over the weekend while I’m working.
I completely understand that looking after the children for long periods can be exhausting, especially after working a full week. I don't want to dismiss that. But I also work 30 hours a week in a physically demanding job, and these particular shifts are part of my contracted work.
What I'm struggling with is the way the situation has made me feel — almost as though me working those shifts is something I've done to him, rather than us both having to work out childcare and family responsibilities together.
It has made me question whether I’m allowed to have work commitments, time away from the children or things that are important to me without feeling guilty about the impact on him. I tried to explain the moment how I felt but he has gone quiet and closed off and avoiding talking about it.
The really difficult part is that I genuinely want to make this relationship work. I love him and I don't want our family to break apart again. At the same time, I’m starting to worry that some of the dynamics between us are unhealthy, and I don't know whether I'm trying to save something that is making me unhappy.
I’m also scared of leaving.
Our children panic at the thought of us separating because they remember what happened before, and I’m terrified that leaving would cause them more hurt and anxiety. We have only been back together for about a year, so the thought of putting them through another separation feels unbearable.
I also worry about how his family would view me if I left. I don't want them to think that I’ve broken up their family again or that I've wasted this second chance we've given our relationship. I know ultimately I can't make decisions about my life purely based on what other people think, but those feelings are very real and make everything much harder.
I’m already quite overwhelmed with everyday life, the children, work and keeping everything together. Instead of feeling like I have someone beside me who I can rely on, I increasingly feel like I’m walking on eggshells and trying to keep everyone happy.
The confusing thing is that there are also good times. I love him, we have a history together and I don't think everything about our relationship is bad. That makes it incredibly difficult to work out how seriously I should take the things that are upsetting me.
I’m not looking for people to simply tell me to leave. I want to make this work if it can be made healthy. But I also need to be honest with myself if the relationship isn't healthy for me.
I genuinely want an outside perspective, particularly from people who can understand how difficult it can be to distinguish normal relationship conflict from unhealthy behaviour after you've experienced abuse before.
Am I overreacting to these things? What would you consider normal relationship conflict, and what would concern you? Is this something that could realistically be worked through, and what would need to change for that to happen?
If you’ve experienced something similar, how did you work out what was actually happening in your relationship?
Please be kind. I’m already feeling pretty lost and I’m genuinely trying to understand the situation rather than blame anyone.