Can anyone relate to struggling with avoidant feelings in a good relationship?

[danascully96]

I have a wonderful boyfriend — handsome, kind, smart, doting, no temper, and totally respectful of my independent nature.

We have been together for 7 months now. In the first few months, I struggled deeply with wanting to break up with him. It was always for stupid reasons.

We didn’t have a Hallmark “meet cute.” He reached out to me on Facebook dating. That isn’t the story I want to tell my future grandkids.

Or he’s blonde and not brunette like I envisioned. Or he likes ballet so he must be gay (he’s not).

I have an image in my head, drawn from all the romantic books and movies I devoured growing up, and if our story doesn’t match that image, I get antsy.

But I realized early on that my reasons for wanting to run were ridiculous, so I was honest with him 5 months into our relationship and told him I struggle with being avoidant. He was totally understanding and accepting and wanted to see how things progressed anyway.

So, I’ve been giving it time. And as time goes on, I notice more and more things I like about him. He truly is a gem, and I’m often surprised he wants to be with me. I feel like a cold bitch inside.

He on the other hand seems madly in love with me. One time he texted me telling me he teared up after I left because I had randomly hugged him. Recently, when we went on a trip together, I said goodbye to him at the airport and he texted me afterward saying he welled up.

Whenever we make out, he has this look on his face, like he’s in total bliss. His eyes will widen like he’s seeing Disney World for the first time.

He loves to m to snuggle after we make out. I dread those times because I love to be active and hate feeling trapped in his bed underneath his arms. Also, to be fair, I live 30ish minutes away from him and want to get back to my place as it’s usually late. But I know I would feel this way regardless.

And then a few weeks ago, he told me he loved me.

I really like him and I am always amazed at how much patience he gives me, despite my “black cat” ways.

This issue is not specific to my boyfriend. I have had this issue with every one I ever dated before. I always want to break up and explore the world. But I also want a husband, kids, white picket fence, etc.

I should say I suffer from OCD and seem to get every theme imaginable at some point in my life, so I may have romantic OCD (where I fixate on perfection and can’t form romantic relationships as a result).

Can anyone relate?

I can't say I relate to this, but it did make me think about your attachment style.

Do you know why your attachment style is avoidant? What was your childhood like, particularly your relationship with your parents? Perhaps exploring this in counselling could help you understand where it comes from

Yeah, it probably is something from my childhood. I currently can’t access a therapist, but maybe in a few months I will be able to. Thank you for weighing in!

I think the fact that you’ve realised the issue isn’t your boyfriend is a major step and it’s a really positive thing that you want to explore it further.

I hope you get some responses from people who can relate to what you’re experiencing. And if you can’t access counselling just now, perhaps there are other resources or materials you could use to start exploring it further?
Maybe some books on attachment style and adult relationships?