Narcissistic older sister - how to address the ongoing attacks?

[wherehaveallthegoodfolkgone]

I need advice on my older sister, who has been a cold, controlling bully for 25 years. We were close until I moved abroad at 30, which she took as a personal rejection, turning oppressive and terrifying me ever since.
At my recent birthday, she made cutting remarks and inverted history, claiming I abandoned her when my marriage collapsed, when in reality she dismissed me as a burden, and later bossed me around while I raised two tiny kids after I'd had a mini stroke.
A recent loss for me has brought me to a tipping point, I can't take anymore of her bitchy remarks in which the reality of her abuse towards me is grossly twisted to make her look like the victim...

But anytime I stand up to her, her response is "I DON'T DO CRITICISM." She takes zero accountability, her own daughter is barely on talking terms with her, and because she’s now severely ill and carrying her own tragedies, I’m feeling guilt about trying, for the second time in my life to stand up for myself. The last time I tried was 15 years ago with dire consequences. Since then she's lost a lot of close family members and she's v keen to hang on to me. It's almost like she can't help being a b*h.

I’ve drafted a long letter, but I know she’ll just frame it as an attack. How do I reject her lies and stand up to a bully who makes me feel v uneasy without being consumed by guilt as her health has been deteriorating for a long time?

Drop the rope.
Be less available

Let her calls go to vm

FPNI.

In my experience letters make no difference but boundaries do eg I’m not going to accept you talking to me like this again and stick with it

There is no point trying to tell her what's wrong, unless it's important for you to say or write it to her. There is no chance she will take any responsibility. Just choose the amount of contact you want to have with her (none/very little) and back away.

Don’t send the letter. Great you’ve written it but keep it for yourself.

Follow the advice here and just step right back. Narcs thrive on conflict sadly.

You've put all your feelings down in that letter. Burn it. It's time to put that behind you. No forgiveness, no forgetting, just accept that it is firmly in the past.

Then just adopt the grey rock approach. Absolute bare minimum contact. She deserves nothing from you, least of all the opportunity for her to abuse you again.

Thank you all for the quick replies

I have a very similar story though as bad as she was towards me, that was nothing compared to the way she bullies our parents. I wrote to her and told her I refused to have a relationship with someone who treats people I love so badly, we haven't spoken since (over 10 years) which suits me. My parents put up with it for fear of not being allowed to see the grandkids, DM’s adopted an attitude of not expecting anything good from her so then she’s not disappointed, while my Dad still gets very upset at what she says and does. I found she thought she was in control of all of us, she tried to control our relationships with each other as well as her and her kids, and me being no contact with her means although she’s still awful to DP’s, she’s not negatively affecting my family’s relationship with them.

I think the advice of putting a boundary in place and sticking with it is the best thing you can do. It doesn’t have to be as extreme as mine but something like ‘I’m not accepting this behaviour’ and remove yourself every time. She won’t reflect and will think its you that’s the problem but it does take some of the control away from her.

I blocked mine.
Best thing I ever did.

BlueKangaroo2 she really sounds just like mine! The control. Of all of us. Parents have died now but that was hell. Thanks for sharing your similar story. I really do need to set that clear boundary but also unravel myself from her life.

Can’t you just block her?

Like, you know what she is. She will frame it as an attack either way so why care. Just block her and get on with your life. You don’t owe people who mean you harm any explanation.

If you’re worried about how she might use other family as flying monkeys, drop them too. Really who needs them. You have your own family to think of.

You can’t set boundaries FOR narcissists. They will view them all the same way a bull views a red flag.

Just set boundaries for yourself and the sort of people you allow to remain in your life.

i understand,have a sister the same,don't send letter,limit your time with her,don't explain,don't engage..be pkesent when you have to be..but no more than that.

You do not confront, and you put her on an information diet. Aka use the Grey rock method. Its hard but effective. Lastly, meet her where she is at, and what I mean by that is whatever you say, do , or dont do or dont say, it will always be used in some way against you, somewhere down the line. So, see her for what she is without informing her of that you see her clearly.

Then set out to educate yourself on her patters, and remember anything she says to you, its a bait, either to use now, or later on. Dont fall for the sibling love bombing. And live your life.

@Sodthesystem is right.

To repeat: You cant set boundaries for them, only for yourself.

It does work but you have to face the fact that you can't control their behaviour in any way. If you set boundaries it doesnt automatically mean that they will respect them. They might, once they see you mean it - and my God will they test you - but equally, they might want to / be unable to respect your drawn lines.

Sometimes some control freaks become trapped by their own nature - they have to have control and keep trying to get it, even when they don't really want you out of their life. In some cases it can be sad.

But that means you can mourn the lack of closeness. It doesnt mean you should put up with the nastiness and attempts to control. You shouldn't.

Im afraid the hard and cruel fact is that some unpleasant people are so abusive that they end up with no one, even when suffering severe ill health. It's very, very difficult. But it still doesn't mean you should allow yourself to be treated like a whipping boy.

Google Grey Rock Method.

Don't bother rejecting her lies. There's nothing to be gained. You know they're not true. So does she.

This. If you still want to have contact with her you remove yourself whenever she starts up with the bitchiness. You get up or you ask her to leave and you tell her you won’t spend time with her when she’s like that.

Some people make this very hard because their reactions are so triggering and create so much anxiety, that it’s just not worth it and is better to cut them off entirely.

1. Grey Rock technique if you absolutely must see her
2. Go LC but NC is better
3. Get yourself a “Not my circus, not my monkeys” tshirt She sounds miserable

Just ditch her

Do not send any letter. As you rightly say she will see it as an attack and will behave accordingly.

You would not tolerate this from a friend so do not tolerate her narcissistic behaviour. Grey rock can be exhausting to keep up in the long term.

She is really not worth bothering about.
Get out and stay out.

I am going to suggest that you do write the letter to get it off your chest. Don’t bother sending it as it will be weaponised, but you will feel better for letting it out.

Block her. There's no other way.