Considering divorce after years without intimacy and financial control

[Topaz2026]

Hi .. new here. I’ve been with my husband for 30 years, married 25. Zero intimacy since March 2014… HIS choice! He decided Jan 2015 he wanted a divorce, everything downhill since then. Zero intimacy (massive for me) .. he is a narcissist, financially controlling, coercive control etc .. I’m done but think of the kids. Breaking up the future that we’d (years ago) spoken about. This year, I’ve tried to make it about me - asked him 4 times to divorce. He yells and walks off and the next day everything is ‘normal’. I don’t have anything in my name - he just sold my car and leased one on the company, also cancelling life insurance policies …. It’s all utter shit.

Your kids will be fine...being a mum doesn't mean you should have to subject yourself to decades of misery.

It does your kids no favours either to stay with your husband/their dad. It’s over anyway between you and he in any case because of the abuse he metes out to you, and in turn them. Seek legal advice asap and from that start divorce proceedings.

You don't need to permission to start the divorce.
Your kids will be fine - they will be picking up on this toxic household anyway or will grow up thinking it is normal and take that into their relationships.
Will going it alone be difficult? Yes.
Will it be worth it? Also Yes

Don't ask him, tell him you're divorcing him! But first go and get some legal advice and gather as much financial information as you can. You and your children will be much happier living without his abuse.

As above, you can divorce him! Free yourself!

I'm assuming you're between 45-50, and that your kids will soon or have already graduated. For most adult children, they go on to be independent and spend more time with friends or a romantic partner. So don't use them as an excuse, as they'll be off living their independent lives as they should, while you're under a roof living with an enemy. Your kids love you and would never want you to live like that. Not that you should ever go into the nitty gritty of why you're choosing divorce, but if they ever find out you unwisely stayed on behalf of them, they will feel severe guilt.

Don't bring up divorce to him until you're ready to serve the papers. This will give you time to get legal counsel and when that's unbeknownst to him, maybe he will refrain from any more of his financial sabotage.

The hardships going through a divorce are temporary. A happier future is worth that.