Talk to me about teens- i’m finding this stage so difficult.

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As the title says.

My DD is about to turn 17 and she is such hard work. This is my first time parenting a teen and it’s knocked me sideways.

I appreciate in this day & age it’s particularly difficult to be a teen with the pressures of social media etc…

She’s studying her A levels, is a well behaved kid in school and around other adults, has some nice friends, very wise for her years and is a pretty girl.

It doesn’t seem to be enough for her. She wants more friends, more popularity, more of a social life. She always says how unattractive she feels because she’s never kissed a boy and so she feels way behind her peers.

I know all of this means that she feels isolated at times and quite unhappy with how her teenage years are playing out. As I say, she has friends, but she’s looking for a wider group that socialises more often.

Her attitude towards me can be appalling. We clash terribly at times. She can scream and shout and get very aggressive in her tone. I seem to be the one she lashes out at. She will go days without looking at me. She gets fed up and I seem to pay the price. She makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home.

She very, very rarely wants to do anything with me/go anywhere with me etc…

How long will I be the enemy for? Shouldn’t this be calming down now at almost 17? Does it get better?

I am just after any advice you can give. I do not want to be a walk over, but sometimes I feel like just ignoring her attitude and not responding at all is the best course of action?

Could be hormone related but i would sit her down and and calmly ask her why she takes it out on you, maybe there is a reason, maybe there’s not, but talking would be a good starting point.

She sounds unhappy in herself. Has she had any upset in her life or is it all linked to insecurity?

No wise words but absolute sympathy. Really. Teenage can be hell to go through, but it can be almost as rough to be on the receiving end Ive learned.

I hope yours passes through and becomes a human again. My oldest has started to (18 and a half now) but he was so unbearable I had to send him to his father's to live. He was better with males around than females, Im afraid.

My DD (nearly 17) has been similar for the last couple of years, minus the aggressive tone... She prefers scathing sarcasm. She has just started college and, fingers crossed, seems to be remembering that I'm a person she loves.

I don't think I'm past that stage yet but hopefully I'm on the downhill slope.

However, I do firmly believe it's a stage because I remember being the same with my parents, many moons ago. We were a very close family and I think it required extra psychological distance to become an adult. I'm very close with them again now. So, keep your game face on, hatches battened, polish the art of telling her lightly that her behaviour isn't acceptable. This too shall pass, and we'll have our lovely daughters back!

read. Get out my life, but first take me and Alex into town.
it’s brilliant and explains what’s going on in a teen brain and why. It also gives you strategies.
you are right, battling the behaviour in the moment won’t work. Set boundaries and stick too them. Have lines in your head to use and repeat.
I see you’re upset and cross, we can talk later when you’re feeling calmer.
I understand you feel irritated by me, let’s talk it through at a better moment.
validating her feelings should neutralise it. Don’t engage, say the line and move away. Don’t try to make it better. Agree with her.
i look shit in all my clothes. You reply. I feel like that sometimes, it’s horrid isn’t it. Why can’t I meet a boy. I remember that, it’s awful and gets you down.
it is her hormones. It’s her brains way of becoming independent. The hormones make her feel hatred, embarrassment, disgust , towards their carers, so they can distance themselves and function on their own. Like everything it some get effected by it stronger than others. It’s out of their control but putting in boundaries will make it slightly easier. Good luck, you will come out the other side, grey, coffee addicted and a little traumatised

Thank you all very much. It’s helpful!

She’s had a fairly stable start in life. Parents still together, 2 younger siblings, lots of love around her. I’ve had my moments with my mental health (Postpartum anxiety/depression) And that can’t have been easy for her.

@Cannedlaughter Thank you for this. In terms of boundaries, what do you suggest?

Is your daughter doing well academically OP? Is she doing enough studying to get where she wants to be in life?

If the answer is yes, then my advice would be thank your lucky stars, bite your tongue and put on a brave face until she leaves home.

The boundaries are around not allowing her to be too nasty. Give her a line of let’s talk again when you’re not so cross and walk away.
pick your battles.
and remember, the person she is outside the house to others is the real woman she’ll be.