Is he too happy for me?

[IntheParisGellarbusiness]

I will try to keep this clear and brief, but I'm not known for my ability to get to the point, so I apologise.

I have been seeing someone a few months. He is lovely, but always happy.

He hasn't expressed a negative experience or feeling since we met.

To give an example of things that are grating on me...

I have a stressful job, I am busy from the second I get into work, to the second I leave. Then I have to work at home after to make sure everything is meeting deadlines, and I'm paid a pretty average wage. I chose this career, I know it would be hard and I accept that.

An example of things that I can't seem to get on with...

I had a tough day at work, the stress level was high, the team I manage hadn't met any deadlines they were given and I was close to tears.

He asked how I was so I was honest and said how bad my day was so I was planning to have a bath and go straight to bed.

His response to this was ' oh dear. Our office was really busy and stressful today too, so my boss just packed us all up and we spent the rest of the day at the pub because we just needed it, all on the company'.

I understand him sharing his experiences, but this is every time. He can't seem to read the room at all.
I have mentioned this to him and he said 'sorry, I just don't always know how you respond because I've never been in that position'

If I'm low on money, he will mention him getting a bonus or landing a big client.

He is generous, and I have no criticism of how he treats me, but I feel so unsupported emotionally and I don't know how to explain that to him.

Can someone who has never had any struggles be in a relationship with someone who has struggled their whole life (I had a traumatic childhood, I have ADHD and anxiety, I am a single mum etc).

Errr, what is the industry that responds to stress with days in the pub? Are they hiring?

Seriously though, I do not think you are being unreasonable. Don't talk about how great your situation is right after someone has complained is manners 101. If you really like this guy, you could give him a few examples of what he could say, and see if he gets the hint. Maybe examples of what to say are more actionable than advice about what not to say?

This isn’t about him being happy. This is about him being insensitive.

Honestly, after only a few months I wouldn't be sharing lots of 'bad times'. Keep it light. You are only just learning about each other and how to respond to one another.
If someone was to say what you said ' bad day, going to bed' I'm not sure what you expect him to respond with? He doesn't know you.
That being said, it seems he'd a positive guy, and by your own admission, you struggle with things so perhaps for both sakes it's not a great match.

You need a new job

I think you sound incompatible but this op also makes me think I sound like this too

I agree, this is a brand new relationship. Get to know each other a bit more. I’m not saying match is positivity completely but find other ways to unwind instead of offloading to him - save that for later.

This. He’s emotionally shallow and socially unskilled. He just happens also to be happy.

This made me laugh a bit as my husband can be like this, he has had a very positive and happy life with great friends and a family he is close to. He has a job he likes etc etc. my life hasn’t been as plain sailing and for instance when I have been pregnant in the past etc I have felt very unsupported emotionally. I have told him outright he lacks empathy as he struggles to comfort me properly if I’m feeling a certain way. That being said he is the nicest more generous person and I think he makes me a bit more optimistic so it really is something I have accepted!

Sometimes it’s good if couples balance each other out. But you don’t sound very compatible.

I knew someone like this! Although the chap I knew seemed to feel fundamentally uncomfortable with anything less than happy/upbeat. it grated. We were only friends, but that plus a few other ‘out of sync’ traits of his made me put some serious distance between us.

ditch him. It’ll only get worse

I think people who can’t handle any negative emotions at all do unwittingly end up making people ‘unload’ when they wouldn’t have otherwise.

If you tell your partner you’ve had a bad day and are going to bed, and instead of saying ‘I’m sorry to hear that, darling. Sleep well and see you tomorrow’ (or whatever) they tell you all about what a fantastic day they’ve had, you might wonder whether they’d been paying attention properly.

And since all you want is for them to say ‘I’m sorry your day was shit’, you might tempted to explain your situation again or in greater detail, so that they will give you some kind of token response that shows they notice or care whether or not you’re happy.

And the more strenuously they refuse just to say something as simple as ‘oh dear, love, that sounds rubbish’ - the more you feel confused and embarrassed by their missing the point and missing their cue, and you try to help both of you save face by turning up the volume up on your telling of the shitty experience - making it into a hilarious anecdote, or exaggerating for dramatic effect - hoping some basic social instinct will kick in and they’ll say, ‘what a nightmare! Let me make you a cup of tea’ or whatever.

And they still won’t do it, and by this point you are aware you’re coming across as a real downer, and that your frantically cheerful partner is feeling irritated and also snugly superior to you because they aren’t mired in all this negativity all the time.

When someone can’t even give a perfunctory performance of caring this dynamic sets in very quickly.

Most of the time nobody wants to unload. They just want some very simple acknowledgement that the other person has heard what they’re communicating about their current mood and wishes them comfort.

I think you are expecting too much of someone who doesn't really know you. If you are a bit of a moany person, there is nothing wrong with that but I probably wouldn't be dating you because it is very draining. Granted, there was one day when I felt completely overwhelmed and I actually cried a little at what was probably date nr 4 with my then new partner but other than that, I was always upbeat despite the fact that I was virtually homeless when I met him. Shit happens but positive outlook on life is important. For your own sanity as well as for the sake of a relationship.
And yes, it's rather hard to know what to say when the person you hardly know relies on you for comfort.

I think him being a child free, financially comfortable man with no responsibilities is incompatible with my situation. And I really want it to work, but I find myself not being myself because I don't want to hurt his feelings.

To my friends and family I could easily say ' I've had a really shitty day, so I just need you to leave me alone'. When I express similar to him, in a more diplomatic way, he will try to come over, bring me flowers, want to chat.

He doesn't understand me wanting time to myself if I am child free, because all of his time is for himself.

He works in some kind of financial advice or something. Sometimes they don't even go to the pub, they have a bar in the office...it is only beer on tap and sometimes prosecco though, poor lad haha.

Anyway, I guess I just needed to talk about it.

I think this weekend I will tell him how I feel very bluntly.

He's honestly so lovely, which makes me think I'm the broken one.

So he is incurious, and kills the conversation when you adopt a tone of less than positive. Very poor conversational skills, but also no empathy.

Does he always skip to talking about himself when you tell him something that should invite a conversation about you and yours?

No, not really. But I am very bad at conversations myself so I have always said to tell how his day has been, even if I don't ask because sometimes I forget to ask etc.

You need a new job and a new boyfriend who has been around the block a few times. Sorry OP

Seems like there are 2 issues here:

• A big difference in life circumstances

• His inability to read the room & your not wanting to hurt his feelings by being direct

People who mean well but can’t read a room are often pretty thick-skinned, but also need to be told very clearly and directly what is expected of them.

If you can say clearly to your friends and family that you need time alone, why not try telling him? It might be fine.

Nobody’s broken here, you just want him to understand your situation. But he lacks the imagination to infer what your experience might be like, and the curiosity to ask much about it; and you are wary of being explicit about what you need from him emotionally and conversationally.