How do you talk to and connect with people?

[Pukka91]

Hi,

I wonder if I might find some advice on here!
I've always been a fairly introverted person but also love being with people and connecting. Things when I was younger like having jobs in retail/hospitality in my teenage years, joining groups and clubs etc helped me challenge myself to stay social as I know if I allow myself to follow my tendency to be reclusive, I can become lonely and feel very low.
I'm in my late 30s now and following a few years where I have experienced lots of challenges - a traumatic miscarriage, becoming a first-time mum, estrangement from a parent who has been detrimental to my self-esteem for a long time, covid lockdowns, working 100% remotely - I'm finding it really difficult to talk to people!
This is really problematic because I've just started a professional training course which will last the next 3 years and I really want to connect with my cohort (about 20 of us). My mind just seems to go blank and even though I listen actively and ask questions, I feel I get stuck after a couple of minutes of talking and don't know what to say and feel incredibly anxious! Everyone else seems to be connecting somehow and it's like something I can't understand. I'm much better 1:1 than in groups but even then it can be a struggle.
I've often thought I might be Autistic, and this has come up several times in therapy (as well as possible pre-menopause). I'm considering trying to get an assessment but even if I got a diagnosis, it wouldn't necessarily help me develop the conversation skills I want, maybe just to give myself a bit more of a break.
Anyway, I wonder if anyone has anything they can share about how they talk to others, get to know them, connect etc. Anything that seems to work well? I feel like I need to learn how to socialise all over again and fake it til I make it type thing.
Thanks if you've made it this far!

Hi Op just a quick reply as didn’t want you to think you were being ignored! I have AuDHD and also have problems with social interaction. Always have. I tend to watch how other people do it and try and copy them. So ask about their family (if you know them well enough), comment on the weather, even in a group just look interested, listen and smile. It’s so difficult and I wish I could write a longer reply but I have to wrestle my kids into bed. Hopefully this will bump your post up and someone more eloquent than me can also advise!

Thank you for your reply! It's helpful just knowing I'm not the only one. Good luck with bedtime :)

People like talking about themselves. ‘I like your necklace’ followed by ‘where did you get it from’, ‘it really pulls together your entire outfit’ ‘how did you learn to do that?’ sort of makes people see you’re interested in them. ‘What colour do you think would suit me?’ brings it back to you and it’s their cue to contribute.
That’s obviously just a random example, my latest group of friends came about from talking about pencils at an art group, we don’t have any decent art supply shops in town, we were bemoaning the age of internet shopping and the dudes you might get if you haven’t actually tried them, I said there is one in the next town, a few of us said: oh, there’s an interesting building there, shall we go, get the pencils and try and sketch it?

I think it’s putting yourself out there without trying too hard, being a good listener and not going in with the mindset ‘oh, they don’t want to be friends’. I go in with ‘I don’t care if you want/don’t want to be friends, it would be nice, but equally, I don’t mind, I’ll spend a few minutes with you, asking questions and cracking a joke, I continue to be myself, you’re very welcome to join me’ type of attitude.