How to deal with the silent treatment…

[hearts1989g]

Sick child, high stress. Partner spoke to me harshly (has a habit of speaking to me not very nicely in high stress situations) and I had a public outburst. He is now giving me the silent treatment. I am beside myself with anxiety. I feel sick. I can’t help but catastrophise.
once I’m through this I know I need to do work on my emotional regulation. Is this toxic behaviour? Or is he just cooling off? When and where do you draw that line?

You don’t deal with it and he giving you anxiety from his abuse was all part of his plan to keep you quiet and controlled

You make plans to leave him. It won’t do your child any favours either to grow up within such a toxic environment. Teach your child properly the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You have not yet learnt that lesson so how can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Women’s Aid can advise on how to leave safely. Do you
have much or any support from family and friends?.

It’s abuse - that’s not how healthy relationships work. You deal with it by contacting Women’s Aid or another domestic abuse charity. They will help you to leave and also recover emotionally. I also found my GP very helpful.

It’s childish behaviour on his part and he needs to grow up.

Whatever you do, do not pander to him. Do the complete opposite of what he’d like you to do.

My husband used to do this. At first it upset me. Then I got wise and carried on totally as normal like he wasn't there. Laughing on phone with friends and singing to the radio. As soon as he realised it wasn't affecting me, it stopped. He has grown up since.

This. attila posts around these topics are always spot on.

You have to leave. He won’t change.

I agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat that you draw the line at any abuse. He is punishing you, and it's utterly unacceptable.

Adults talk things over. They don't sulk in silence and refuse to speak to their partner. It's fucking rude and childish.

Tell him he stops reacting like this, that it is abusive and he needs to grow up or you will be leaving.

and I had a public outburst.

What exactly did you say and do?

We need more information, if you are anxious and have a tendency to catastrophise then that will play a part in your relationship dynamic.

Your choice of words in your OP makes me wonder about your relationship dynamic.

Tell him you're sick of his childish games and tell him to leave or you will. Life's too short for all this "silent treatment" nonsense. He should be saying "I can see you're stressed so what can I do to help?" But he isn't and probably won't, in which case you're better off without him.

I called him the C word in a raised voice. In public. Where people could have heard, I’m not sure anyone did. I have since apologised, nothing back it’s been over 24 hours. If I threatened with leaving again this wouldn’t be taken too lightly so that won’t work.
i agree my tendency to be overly emotional and catastrophise around these types of things may color a situation differently.
how do you know when to draw a line. Is it space or something more toxic/controlling. Dynamic wise I am the pleaser

@AgentJohnsoncan you explain more on our dynamic from my post. Interested to hear your take

As a child who grew up in this kind of household, I say leave.my dad used to completely ignore my mum for weeks on end. It was SHIT.

she finally left him when she was 70. She’s now 80 and has dementia and other physical health issues.

what a fucking waste of a life. Don’t be my mum.

To be honest, if my partner called me a cunt loudly in public, I probably wouldn't feel like talking to him much either, even if he apologised afterwards! Sounds like you can both be abusive in certain circumstances?

I would have been the one leaving you if you’d have called me that at home, let alone in public. Your relationship sounds absolutely toxic and you should end it for the sake of your kids. What an awful environment to grow up in.

Agree if my partner called me a cunt either in private or public I wouldn’t want to speak to them either.

On a serious note, you should acknowledge that was not acceptable, but neither is stonewalling you so suggest you both find a way of communicating calmly.

Well, there is your answer. You were abusive in public. You are lucky that he is simply not talking to you.

So he goaded you into an outburst, and now you're the one with the emotional dysregulation problem?

He's giving you the cold shoulder and watching you spiral, and everything he did and does is denialable - "she's too sensitive/ she shouldn't have taken it that way when I meant X, Y, Z"/ "I'm afraid to open my mouth because she's so angry".

See how it works?

Ah, Mumsnet, where when a husband shouts at his wife and calls her a cunt he's an abuser, and when a woman shouts at her husband and calls him a cunt he's an abuser.

This is why I’ve never really got when people say silent treatment is abuse, if someone upset me (and calling me names would be very upsetting) I wouldn’t want to talk to them either but that makes me the abusive one? Bizarre

Doesn't matter. If it makes you feel uncomfortable and has you walking in fear and it's affecting your MH then it's the opposite of caring isn't it.

My advice is bin them. It's a death by a thousand cuts anyway. Slowly the resentment builds.