He is in love with the OW

[Lostlostlost2]

A few weeks ago I found out that DH has had an affair and things have been rocky since. He’s now admitted that he is in love with her and that he wants to be with her. The last few weeks have been rough but this just so much worse and I don’t know if I can take any more.

I could have dealt with an affair but not with this. And it’s somehow worse that he picked someone who is significantly older than we are. She even has children, which means that there is a whole family being torn apart. I feel so worthless and like I’ve just been discarded like a toy that isn’t wanted any more.
We’ve been together for 10 years. Grew up together practically. The last 2 were rough I won’t lie, but I can’t get over what he has done and how he is still behaving.

I’ve said some horrible things that cannot be taken back and he has now left, although most of his stuff is still here. I don’t know how we even ended up here and why on earth I wasn’t good enough any more. Right now I’m just devastated and not angry any more but I wish I was angry.

Well firstly, OP. None of this is your fault. You need to hear that loud and very clear. His choice. And his choice alone.
Next, your husband has now gone. The man you knew who loved you is not there anymore and the sooner you wake up to that, the easier things will be. I know it is beyond cruel and heartbreaking. I have been there but I made many mistakes blaming myself and seeing him as some kind of prize I had to keep. I didn’t and you won’t either. My life is so much better now. Big hug.

It’s not that you weren’t good enough anymore…it’s that he wasn’t good enough anymore. I’m so sorry that he has hurt you so badly.

What a coward. If he was so unhappy then he should have done the decent thing and ended the relationship. Not had an affair. It makes the end of a relationship feel so much worse.
Although longterm it sounds like you will be better off without him. Its not you its him .

I am so sorry. It’s horrible when a relationship ends unilaterally like that, but it’s not unusual and it’s the risk you take when you get into a serious romantic relationship.

Don’t waste any tears on him. She isn’t better than you, but she might be a better match for him? You said things have been rocky in recent years, maybe this was inevitable?

He cheated rather than resolve the issues within the marriage before deciding to move on. He’s untrustworthy and nowhere near good enough quality for you.

Focus on the practical aspects of separation rather than the emotional ones. Get help in real life from friends and family.

You will survive this and be stronger and happier. 💐

His behaviour is not a reflection on your worth - it is a reflection of his. Someone who has an affair is proving that they are capable of lying, deception, sneaking around and betrayal. That's who he is.

You are a decent person and you are not worthless just because of one man's behaviour. Your worth is not based on how one person, or even many, treats you. It is based on how you carry yourself in the world and how you treat others.

Rather than seeing this as a loss, think of it as a lucky escape. You don't want to be with someone who has treated you so badly. You deserve better than that - you deserve someone who will treat you with respect, who is loyal and kind.

Don't put yourself down because your partner turned out to be a lying cheating shitbag.

The fact that you mention your concern for her family being torn apart shows what a good person you are, OP.

His behaviour is not a reflection on whether or not you are good enough - he has betrayed you, and that is not your fault.

It’s ok to feel this pain right now, but just remember it won’t be there forever. You’ll come out the other side of this.

I’m so sorry op. I’ve been there and it hurts. Onwards and upwards - find your anger. This other person is welcome to him.

The pain is unbearable.
Do you have RL friends you can talk to?

She’s not better than, she’s just newer on the scene and that can’t last.

Everything everyone else has said is true, but the only extra thing I’d suggest is not to look on those years as wasted years or think that the good times you had weren’t real or valuable. They were. He’s chucked them away, but that’s on him.

Do you have children?

Now he’s cheated, he’ll do it again. That’s for him to live with. Just know you’re a better person than he’ll ever be.

Sending hugs OP.

Word to the wise as you untangle your life from him over the coming weeks/months - keep your dignity. Dont beg or plead, and just keep reminding yourself you’re well shot of him. You won’t regret it.

At least he is leaving you in the house. Go to a solicitor and get what you can while he is feeling guilty

Thank you all. I actually just want him back right now but I know that there is no turning back from this now.
Things were rough since his mother died 2 years ago and he really struggled but I don’t think I could have done more. I accused him of having found a replacement for her because that’s what it feel like in a sick way. Words I can’t take back and not even sure if I want to.
Sorry just ranting because I am angry.
I have people who knew about the affair. I will have to tell them but didn’t want any questions today because I feel like a fool. I hope that they are both miserable.

You falsely assumed he had a good heart during the years you were with him. He was good at hiding his true poor ethics and cruel ways until now. Don't let a subpar person have the power to make you feel poorly about yourself. A mature man would work with you to fix problems, and if that failed, he'd fully end his relationship with you before beginning another.

Practice self-love and have your own back. You are the treasure and if a man doesn't treat you as such, he doesn't deserve you. When you get some distance and time away from this cheating idiot, you'll be glad it didn't take another 10 years or more of your precious life to realize he has a black heart. He has freed you to eventually find someone worthy of you.

For now, only communicate with him about the logistics of parting ways, such as property division, etc. No more talk of you two as a couple or what he's done. It'll take a while to have him go to your rearview mirror emotionally, but each day will be one more step you achieve to get through each stage of a breakup's aftermath until you reach the healing stage. Take care.

He's a weak man.

He couldn't stay committed to one woman.

You’ll be better off in the long run. This is the most difficult part now but it will get better in time. You deserve better.

Go & talk it out with a professional
You will need time to process and go thru the feelings.
No point in wondering or assuming... he did this, caused this so go talk to a trained professional to get yourself thru the emotions and motions.
Wanting him back why for more torment.

An older woman? Curious.
I thought that never happened.
How is that worse? If she was younger I think you'd also be saying that was worse.
Sorry you're going through this.

How long has he been having an affair op?

I'm so sorry for you, and her innocent kids and partner.You all deserve better.

But remember-they can never be fully happy, or trust each other. They both know they're with a cheat. You know how decent people never have to worry if he works late, is on the phone, has a night out with a friend? They both will be worrying, because they KNOW the person isn't trustworthy, and once a cheat, never trusted.

Awful to go through OP, I am so sorry he has done this to you. Key point to remember that is; HE did this, to YOU. Don't wallow over some shitdick who has been shagging around cos he's too selfish and self-entitled to bother working on his long term relationship. This one will also likely fail given his current pattern of behaviour, not least his callous disregard for the family he's tearing apart. When he has problems with her, he'll just do it to her, too!

In 5 years time you will look back on this and feel so grateful that it happened now, imagine you spent another 10 years with him only for it to happen at that point. No thank you. He's essentially done you a favour by exposing himself as scum now.

Cry, eat all the ice cream, get mad, throw shit at a wall, do what you need to do. Feel the emotions, process them, then move on. Don't waste time asking yourself why you weren't enough when you always were. You are not the problem, he is.

I'm assuming you don't have children? You might feel heartbroken at the fact your dreams of a family with your husband have now gone up in smoke, but it's really a blessing. I know it feels utterly shit right now but you'll get through this and the fact you don't have kids together means you can move on with your life with much greater ease. And don't feel bad for having said 'horrible' things to him, you husband cheated on you, he deserves any abuse you may have slung his way!

he cheated on you. Whatever you said to him in the aftermath of that is only what he deserves imo.

OP I suspect you are young. you have no idea what a favour this ass has done you - getting out of your life and letting you free to create a better life for yourself. You will be angry and sad and grieving right now but in a few years you will be way happier.

It sounds like you don’t have children with him, which is a major plus. Get rid of this disloyal, arrogant shit.

Try not to think about whether they’ll last, whether they’ll cheat on each other etc etc. because none of that is your concern now. Focus on your own welfare - see a solicitor, talk to good friends, take some time off work if you need it. You’ll get there OP I promise.