Partner repeatedly hiding gambling debts and I feel strangely calm

[Darknightsdarkmoods]

My partner of 10 years has been caught in the act spending excessively on gambling and gaming sites. He has been caught by me before several times, each time increasing in severity of the amount of money spent and overall size of the debt (this time total debt £5k and spends in the last month around £1k). Last time I allowed myself to be gaslighted by him (and mumsnetters) that despite his excessive spending because we don’t have children, shared finances and aren’t married, it was not for me to judge or keep tabs. I feel like such an idiot, and it feels like the trust is well and truly gone. He is remorseful, but I’ve heard it all before.

And yet somehow, I’m calm. Not shouting and throwing but explainging about financial infidelity and he seems unnerved. I don’t even know if this is the end of the relationship and don’t want to make any decisions hastily, but it certainly feels hard to come back from. Why am I so calm? Any other advice?

My guess would be that you are calm because somewhere in your subconscious you have detached from him, so you will no longer be affected by his behaviour and his lies. You aren't doubting yourself any longer, you know.

It is the uncertainty that is so stressful in so many situations and quite probably this one too

You are calm because you are not married and don't have any children. So his debts are his alone and you don't have to worry about consequences. I am not gaslighting you, but this is true. I'd feel the same. He messed up but it has nothing to do with you which is a great position to be in.
You are probably also calm because you are now emotionally distant from him. It would be a good opportunity to end the relationship.
Yes, it is up to him how to spend his money and you shouldn't be trying to change his priorities. But his priorities are incompatible with your partnership. Both things can be true at the same time without it being seen as "gaslighting".

Sorry you're in this situation. Gamblers rarely quit. Do you want to spend the next 10 years discovering the latest debt? I know you don't want to rush any decisions and please don't be swayed by MN posters but take an honest look at your life and how you want it to be. In my experience there are many choices one can make, not least who we choose to be with and the relationships we pour all of ourselves into.

Complete red herring that they're not married and don't have DC. It's still damaging awful behaviour for a partner to bare witness to. Would you say the same about someone with drug and alcohol issues? Because that's what gambling is - an addiction.

Addicts ruin lives. Not only their own, but those of everyone they pull into their orbit.

I suspect you are calm because you know that this is the end and there is no future in this relationship.

Move on. Build a better life for yourself.

If there is no trust there is no relationship. His primary relationship is with gambling and you are being dragged down with him.

I’ve been there with a gambler, up to £1k a month and he couldn’t contribute to the mortgage due to it so we separated 12 months ago. Never admitted he had a problem, he spent the following 12 months trying to convince me he had changed. I caved a few months ago and we started seeing each other again. Within a couple of weeks I noticed how much my anxiety had come back and my mental health was starting to slip. Then a letter for missed credit card payment and car finance arrived on my doorstep. I’ve told him to sling it again and I am again back to being calm. It will destroy you being with a gambler, married with financial commitments or not. Listen to your calm voice and walk away, you deserve stability.

I expect you feel calm because this is no longer a shock to you. It's a repeated pattern of behaviour and subconsciously you were expecting it to happen again.

Gamblers ruin lives. He will ruin yours. Sorry this is happening to you. Be careful.

Yes, the issue is still firmly his, not OP's. It's a slippery slope when someone accepts responsibility for another person's addiction and tries to "save them". His addiction is his problem. OP is free to walk away (due to factors I mentioned) and so she should.

You feel calm because you know you are done with him and his lies and will be walking away from it all.

I couldn’t live with a gambler, but as you have separate finances, and no children, then it’s not really your worry, on a practical level. 🤷‍♀️

Other than him lying to you about it, does it impact your life or your relationship at all? Is there any reason why he isn't open about it?