Horrendous nightmares about ex years after

[slugjelly]

I thought I might have caught a fever from the kids as I’ve been waking up in night sweats, but now I’m beginning to wonder if it is panic attacks years delayed from my abusive marriage. I wonder if anyone has any experience or advice.

We don’t see him any more, and haven’t for years, the children are safe with me. When we lived with him he did some very disturbing manipulative things as well as the expected abuse. One of the ones that got to me most was repeatedly denying when the kids were ill including when my littlest broke her tooth he angrily said I was ‘being crazy’ right up until she went in to have it removed (some months). I even got so worried that he’d somehow broken it by giving her a hard thing to chew on. He would cause ‘accidents’ that were the children’s fault and insist on driving with the baby seat strapped in the front and stuff like that. I can’t even bear thinking about it now.

I have had a therapist for years and done lots of healing, but this past week I have been going back to it in my mind and in my dream he was there cutting my daughter’s brace off with wire cutters and saying it was what she wanted and making everyone agree with him. It was so terrifying I barely managed to go to work today but am there now.

Is there anything I can do? I’ve done all the recovery things you’re meant to. Is it helping to process it, having dreams like this? I’ve done all the healing things I can and there aren’t any left to try. In despair, I don’t want to see him again even in my dreams.

eta: do you think this means he is going to come back and try to menace us?

I am sorry you are having these nightmares. I dreamt my ex shot me in the back, which was very scary. I think in my case, my memories are just there in the back of my mind even though it was years ago. It sounds as if you are doing a lot to help yourself.
I am sure someone else will come along soon with more helpful advice.

do you think this means he is going to come back and try to menace us?
I don't think that dreams predict the future, no.

How long has it been? I broke up with my ex 12 years ago, but he is still often the go-to threat in my dreams when I am feeling tense about anything. I think he represents those scary feelings of being helpless and having no control over my life.

That’s comforting that you understand, thanks, even though I’m so sorry you too have these horrific experiences. I have had dreams in which he is a threat before but it was the inclusion of the children in this one and the memory of that that really scared me.

It has been 4 years out, but a decade and more of abuse — right from the start— before that.

Also, any chance you are in (peri-)menopause? Night sweats, anxiety, mood issues... https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/menopause-and-perimenopause/symptoms/

I'm almost embarrassed that it affects me so much after all this time! You're supposed to get over it, right? And I really don't care about my ex when awake. I've also had therapy, and he was an upright and decent citizen compared to others' situation. But I guess that after decades (like you), you associate them with certain feelings and your psyche brings them back as zombies.

Have a chat with your doctor - if it's impairing your ability to go to work then it's serious enough to need addressing. Write down any physical/psychological symptoms or things that have been bothering you over the past few weeks just in case there is a pattern.

I might be perimenopause. I’m mid 40s, but still very regular periods and no other symptoms. I initially thought this was it beginning this week, but am starting to realise it is more like panic attacks.

My ex was and still is a dangerous person. He walks in the upper echelons of society, sending people off sick who he manages at work left right and centre, while keeping a squeaky public profile.

That must be incredibly frustrating to see.

I'm 9 years divorced from an emotionally abusive marriage. I have also experienced nightmares where my ex features as the villain in various forms and scenarios.

I can't stop the memories that will always be embeded in my mind. I just think that whenever i'm unsettled about anything - this is when i get more vivid dreams - and as my Exh was around for such a large bit of my life - h'es bound to crop up in these nightmares from time to time. Doesn't stop me freaking out a bit when I wake up mind you!

Only suggestion I can make is just take a bit of time to calm the mind before you go to sleep. Don't try to focus so much on "forgetting" your Ex - his memories will always be in your subconscious. But focus on calming yourself to enjoy a peaceful nights sleep overall. Maybe try some kind of mindfulness exercise before sleep - play calming music.... whatever works for you.

Good luck and try not to worry - I think this kind of thing is entirely normal.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, the dreams sound horrific but it's probably an expression of your (understandable) deep seated fears rather than it meaning that he is going to come back and menace you.

You say you've done a lot of therapy - have you tried EMDR? Have you been diagnosed with PTSD? I would go and see your GP - the disturbance in your sleep and sweating could be related to perimenopause or it could be trauma related.

eta: do you think this means he is going to come back and try to menace us?

Dreams are not portents, or signs, or truths or anything other than your subconscious doing the filing away of the thoughts you've had over the day. Sometimes just one word or a fleeting glance (a child in braces, for example) will be enough for your brain to build a whole story around a particular memory.

Horrible as nightmares are, they can't hurt you and have no useful meaning.

Might be worth taking to your doctor about the perimenopause though.

If this is perimenopause it’s even worse than I thought!! I thought my little beard I need to pluck would just get a bit more lustrous.

I have CPTSD from a decade of abuse and violence that started in my teens.

i am in my 50s I get terrible nightmares, daymares (like a nightmare but I’m awake they call them flashbacks but it’s a bit different), flashbacks and so on. The trauma lives on inside of me and my body releases some of it as terrifying nightmares sadly. Much worse when I’m stressed or ill.

also sounds really bizarre but when the nightmares start, usually go on for about ten months then stop again for a few years, sometimes in them before the bad bits start I will see someone I know only from that period of my life. Not related to my ex abuser but just appear, so if I see them in the nightmare I try my hardest to wake up before it gets a lot worse.

the ex in question sent me a death threat aimed at myself and my DC a couple of years ago after 25 years and I had to get the police involved. I live somewhere new he doesn’t know where I am. But that upped the nightmares.

That’s so horrible, @OneNewEagle. I feel for you. I can see your ex was like mine, they never forget, and it always bothers them that you saw who they were. It is an awful life thing to have happened.

Do you think it is your system cleansing itself at all, or just a cross to bear?

You poor love @slugjelly (nice name btw!) and no, it's not a portent, it's your brain trying to make sense of stuff that you couldn't make sense of at the time as you were too busy surviving.

I have regular dreams about trying to get away from my abusive ex (various scenarios) or of him turning up in places unexpectedly and I wake up in a cold sweat or with my heart pounding...and then as you say, the day afterwards is so hard to get through.

Do you think you might try EMDR - it stands for eye movement desensitisation and re-programming, which sounds a bit woo but is known to work well on specific traumatic memories; you work with a specially-trained therapist who uses techniques to re-programme your brain to take the heat out of the memory, so it's still there but you don't react to it in the same way. I used it myself when I first left XH and found it really helpful. You need someone who has EMDR Accredited Training - it's part of a psychotherapeutic approach, a tool if you like, and they'll be a recognised therapist/counsellor as well as doing the EMDR, so can help you manage your feelings in whatever way seems best.

All the best love, it's so hard getting over abuse xx

I started the year with a major depressive episode 🎉it is the gift that keeps on giving.

@OneNewEagle What help have you had so far? You don't have to live with this.

My body trying to cope by replaying it all. It was bad enough the first time I don’t need my body replaying it over abd over, seems to remember more stuff as well. Things I’ve blocked to get though it suddenly are remembered..

I’ve tried to get help. I was diagnosed, after a massive breakdown and feeling suicidal and chronic medical depression , also with CPTSD and agoraphobia. I waited three years for CBT. The therapy was amazing but only got ten weeks on the nhs and the therapist had to pick what we would fix. The anxiety and agoraphobia was the best symptoms so the therapy was for that. That’s all I got then the help ended.

I carry on the best I can. I can’t work anymore so that’s another thing removed from my life that I would love.

I mean were the newest illnesses not the best. None of it’s the best lol

Yes, this fits with how I feel. It’s a horrible thing.

Hi, I've suffered the same after 7 years of leaving my abusive exh. Diagnosed with CPTSD. Just completed 24 sessions of brain spotting and on the road to recovery! You are suffering with unresolved trauma which you need to release. I tried all sorts of therapies but this one actually worked. Maybe look into it.