Need help to disclose background to partner

[Snowypawprints]

I feel really silly writing this but I need some help navigating what might become my first real relationship.

I’ve had some traumatic childhood experiences which have made me stay away from relationships as I didn’t feel that I could cope with the intimacy or trust. I’ve had therapy but I felt ok as I never looked for a relationship anyway.

I’ve now met a really nice guy and I am freaking out about how to deal with this and how to explain to him that I am terrified of getting physical with him because of my trust issues and because I have no experience at all. I am at the stage where I want to but I am scared that I’ll freeze or freak out.

He hasn’t been pushy but when we met at the weekend I did reject his advances when he tried to get a bit handsy and I feel bad about it. He was ok but I think that he will probably leave if I don’t explain to him why I’m so weird.

I also feel so guilty because I might be blocking him from meeting someone nice who doesn’t have any issues, but I’d also be devastated if he decided to call it quits, either because I don’t explain myself or because he gets freaked out by my background.

Thanks for any advice, I know that it sounds like I’m nuts.

I’m not sure I would tell him the whole background straight away, it’s very personal!

I would tell him you want to go slow and expect him to respect that and go at a pace you’re comfortable with no matter what the reason is

Yes I think it might scare him off, but I think I might need longer than “normal” people and I don’t know if that’s fair?

Nobody can say. You will need to just be upfront with him and see how he feels. Yes, he may leave (in which case, it's ok because you are already questioning if you are stopping him from finding someone more suitable for him) or he may stay and be absolutely fine going slow. Either way, you will have to tell him what you are and aren't comfortable with, but without giving him too much detail.
And maybe now would be a good time to think about returning to therapy so you can get some support with the change in your circumstances.

Take it one step at a time. Stop projecting off into the future. Go on a date, if you want to see him again, see him again. If he gets "handsy" tell him you're not up for that yet and you'd like to take that side of things very slowly. You don't have to explain why, he will either be ok with that or he won't and if not he's not for you.

Thank you. We have been on a few dates and he got handsy when we kissed and seemed confused when I said no to him but accepted it and didn’t push it. Thats why I don’t want to ruin it by leaving him confused. He was still really nice afterwards.

Would you feel comfortable just saying, I've had some trauma earlier in my life and that means I need to take things slowly, I appreciate you responding with kindness the other night when I backed off and I don't want you to think I'm not enjoying where this is going. Text rather than talk at it gives him time to digest and respond.

I think you do kind of ideally have the “it’s not you it’s me” talk about stuff but you do t need to disclose the full extent at this point. You should maybe contact your previous therapist if you felt comfortable with them to help you sort a path you’re comfortable with. I like the pp suggestion of saying something about how he handled your “rejection” well and you appreciate his patience and a small explanation that you are comfortable to share at this point.

You’re a normal person, “normal” comes in all shapes and sizes and you should never feel bad for needing a little extra time or to feel a bit more secure!!

Thank you. I’ll text him as I’ll find it difficult to talk about. I just thought that it might be impersonal and rude.

This made me cry. Thank you

Ok so, never ever tell new partners about past vulnerabilities. Ideally I wouldn’t tell a man at all but obviously that’s not feasible usually as relationships continue.

You can absolutely just say “so I’m nervous and want to take things slow” you do not need to explain WHY. He is not owed that.

I’m wondering if you should have perhaps had counselling before entering a relationship

Realistically are you saying that you need him to wait a year? Or are you saying you’ll never be ready?

I mean ofc you should not do anything you are not comfortable with but also I think it’s not really sensible to embark upon a relationship if you can’t really do anything

Just tell him you want to take things super slow. You don’t owe him an explanation at this stage.

Just to reiterate op, never tell new men about past vulnerabilities. About abuse. About a cheating partner. About assault. None of that. Because IF they aren’t a great person (and there’s a good possibility this is the case, even more so if you are new to relationships and maybe not clued up on red flags yet) they won’t think “oh she’s a strong person to get through that, I won’t hurt her and I’ll go at her pace”, they will think “if she is used to that treatment, she might tolerate it again”.

I don’t want to scare you, but unfortunately its the case a lot of the time.

But you can absolutely say you want to take things slow and you can absolutely be ok or not ok with whatever you like. Don’t let him push any boundaries. No means no. And don’t feel you need to rush into anything you don’t want just to “keep him”.
Hopefully he’s a genuine nice person but you need to be careful.

Some good advice above OP. Tell him for reasons you may disclose over time you would like to take things slow. He sounds lovely so far, there’s no rush.

Really good advice here

This is a new relationship and he is not your therapist, he cant resolve the issues for you. Revealing too much and getting into too much detail with a person who potentially has no experience and knowledge of it is not the best idea.

At this point, he might start wondering if you are into him as you push him off. So this is something to address at this point, by telling him you have little experience, are nervous and therefore want to take things really slow despite liking him a lot. That, instead of reveing all your wounds and insecurities in one go.

This achieves 2 things- assures him that you do like him and are into him and also allows you more time to get to know him better and to assess whether he’s worth your trust.

For all you know, he might cool off after a few more attempts. Then you will be glad you haven’t told him your life story. If things proceed further, have words like ‘im not comfortable with this, can we stop’ ready in case you need them. So you dont get caught out in situation that makes you feel uncomfortable and unable to articulate it at the time.

Thanks, I have messaged him and explained that I like him and where we are going, but that I want to take things slow❤

Good on you op, hopefully he’s respectful of that going forwards. And if he’s not then don’t make excuses for it.

seemed confused when I said no to him but accepted it and didn’t push it. Thats why I don’t want to ruin it by leaving him confused. He was still really nice afterwards.

just want you to know in case you don’t already, that this is a bare minimum. He should stop, he shouldn’t push, and he should be nice to you regardless of how much you do or don’t let him touch you.
and don’t ever think you should feel bad, or that you owe him anything, just because he’s doing this.