Severe ADHD and lack of maturity in my husband means carrying the mental load and finances in my marriage can only sit with me.

[BettyBoh]

there are huge imbalances in my marriage which rear their ugly head ever now and then.

my husband has severe ADHD and a poor education. He earns minimum wage, I earn about 90K.

he has severe issues with being responsible with admin. His parents are a disaster and lived hand to mouth, always in debt etc

his lack of education and ambition, combined with severe ADHD so poor focus and ability to think in parallel, calculate mid/short/long term consequences etc mean I do all the admin.

he doesn’t have expensive taste so whatever disposal income is left each month is shard naturally between us…..

I am fed up having all the decision-making responsibility and carrying the mental load and I try to manage my resentment. I know lots of people will have an opinion on this, but I truly believe he can’t do the mental
load - his executive functioning is terrible. He wasn’t really managing too well when we met. He relied on friends to help him do stuff like fill in forms.

at times we have tried introducing him to admin. I showed him our budgets and he said he would come to me once a month to understand and observe a bit more. I knew he wouldn’t (ADHDer rarely stick to a plan if theres no dopamine to fuel them). It’s not my job to sit him down and show him.

most of my salary goes on the basics: mortgage, food, kids activities, fuel, one holiday a year. We don’t have savings although I’d like to start this. I was out of work for a short period last year and we had to use them.

my husband wants me to tell him how often he can have money to travel abroad to visit his home country. He thinks it’s “normal” that he should get that right.

i feel that our situation is not normal because I have all the budgeting responsibilities. I would like some normality in him being a bit more aware.

“Normal” would be him being aware of our finances and planning that need to visit his home country into our budget so he can see where we need to cut down etc. I already spend most of my salary ensuring we have a normal family life. I don’t discount his contribution as he works full-time as a labourer but it doesn’t even cover the mortgage.

he is content with an imbalance of responsibility whilst he gets to avoid the stress of budgeting. Obviously his immaturity affects the way he expresses himself too. Instead of trying to see my point of view he finds it easier to shout and take things out of context.

all things are pointing to the complications of being married to a man-child. He can’t grow up as his severe ADHD has defined the point at which his emotional maturity and executive functioning won’t grow any more. I don’t want to mother him and plan it all out for him either.

he doesn’t even have the maturity to realise that if he had to live alone on his salary he wouldn’t be able to afford a trip back to his home country.

has anyone had an experience of this either as me or the person who hasn’t got a clue how their own family finances work?

I am guessing most of you who were married to man children who didn’t know how to handle responsibility ended up divorcing?

Im not illinformed. I’m realistic. It is infantilising to make out someone can work, but only if it’s interesting, but not do similar tasks. So what is your solution? Let someone with adhd never do “boring” work?

In regards to medication; antidepressants “cure” depression. But there is research questioning if it was ever actually a chemical imbalance at all.

In PIP there is a section in mobility about not being able to plan a journey. If you get 8 points, you get low mobility , if you get 12, you get high. I struggle to walk and yet got 8 points. Someone who says they struggle to plan a journey - which many with ADHD will say- could get 12 points and so get a badge. It seems odd that someone who claims they couldn’t plan a journey could be functional enough to drive. Getting 12 points also means you can access the mobility car scheme and get a new car. As someone who needs to park close, it’s very frustrating that there ar people who claim their lack of ability to plan a journey means they need to park close to the shop. If you can’t be trusted to walk a few extra feet due to being distracted, how are you driving?

Cannot plan the route of a journey is only 8 points.

12 points under the planning and following a journey is cannot follow the route of a familiar journey without another person, an assistance dog or orientation aid. So ‘just’ struggling to plan the route of a journey wouldn’t be enough. Case law shows there is also more to be considered than just a person’s ability to drive, so, yes, it very much is possible to score and still be able to drive.

In England, 8 or 12 points on the planning and following a journey activity does not automatically make someone eligible for a blue badge. Neither does 10 points under descriptor D. In England, to be automatically eligible for a blue badge because of points scored on the planning and following a journey activity, you need 10 points exactly from descriptor E.

So someone who has severe psychological stress at planning a journey is someone who should be driving? Would you feel safe on the road with someone who could have a breakdown? I wouldn’t.

The OPD descriptor is about undertaking journeys rather than just planning a journey. Yes, it is possible for someone to still be able to drive and satisfy the criteria. Not all, obviously, but some.

I think you’d be as well to separate and divorce sooner rather than later and take the financial hit and then move on. You and your husband sound incompatible and he’s well aware he’s onto a good thing with you financially while playing up his disabilities. If he’s as inept as you describe, how could he even manoeuvre the airport to get himself back to his home country ? Next time he asks you to tell him how often can he afford to go to his home country - ask how long does he think it would take to save the airfare on his salary alone, while also paying for a roof over his head, usual bills and contribution to the upkeep of his children.

My ds had diagnosed ADHD and dyslexia. I know he did go to school and he has educated parents but he can hold down a good job in a career that suits his gifting which is with people.
Can your dh not turn his musical gifting into a money making venture. My dh has all the symptoms of ADHD and has always worked but doesn't cope well with life tasks but l am happy to pick those up as he works hard and has always made good money.
Also l was an adult literacy tutor in a voluntary capacity for years and l saw men..in particular..who could not read or write run successful businesses in construction fields as long as they had a secretary or wife to do the books.
Even my own Dad back in the 70s didn't have much education but successfully ran a busy farm while my Mom did the book work. But he could buy and sell, make yearly plans etc so l think your dh should be more capable despite his shortcomings.

I recognise myself in your husband.
I am 44 although I have never had a job more than a couple of weeks.
My husband works and I stay at home and unless he is with me I rarely go anywhere as I couldn’t navigate myself anywhere unless it’s really local and I’ve been there hundreds of times.

I was kicked out of school at 12 as the excruciating boredom drove me to be disruptive, I didn’t want to be like that but I couldn’t sit still and I couldn’t take in anything the teacher said.
I wouldn’t have a clue how to handle the financial side of things.

I have very severe ADHD but also no education and no ability to learn and it’s not just boredom if I go to a place of work I don’t have the focus so I am constantly pulled into a daydream and have no idea what is going on around me, distracted by a thousand racing thoughts so powerful they literally force me inside my head and the outer world is just a blur, I literally cannot focus on its like trying to look through frosted glass to see what’s happening in the real world, it’s not just day dreaming.

If people are talking it’s just background noise I can’t follow, I can maybe manage fleeting moments but that’s all the same as I’ve never been able to watch telly and follow it.
I can’t follow written instructions or verbal not because I am not listening but because I can read words and hear words but I can’t process what they say.

It’s absolutely debilitating and I find life really hard, I just about manage around the house and look after the children but it’s so stressful for me to do basic things other people can cope with.

My husband is autistic and we both struggle socially but we have each other and we love each other.
We know we are different, we know people stare but we bounce of each other, we both have good days and bad days and we’re both there for each other when it’s tough but it isn’t a choice and it isn’t something you can just hide, I am on medication but even the highest dose they’ll give 72mg makes next to no difference because it just doesn’t touch the sides.

Have you tried saffron extract? In studies it worked very similar to adhd medicine.

I'm genuinely not trying to be rude or goady but it's really clear you have next to no understanding of what ADHD is and how it affects people in its most severe form (not uncommon by any means but still frustrating as there are several mountains of research on the subject). There have been cases of brain injuries and dementia being misdiagnosed (by doctors) as severe ADHD and severe ADHD being misdiagnosed as brain injuries and dementia - it's not always this mild issue that can be overcome with effort, will power and strategising. Severe ADHD is characterised by pervasive impairment regardless of effort.

So, it really isn't infantilising to say that someone who has a disability will be disabled by it. And as I think I pointed out upthread, the tasks the OP's husband is struggling to do are not actually in any way similar to what he does at work, where someone else will be in charge of everything that requires significant executive function (ADHD is in large part an executive function disorder).

Regarding a solution and whether or not someone with severe ADHD should be "allowed" not to do boring work - whether you "allow" it or not is neither here nor there if the person genuinely can't do it (either more or less absolutely or on a sustainable/reliable basis). As others have suggested, medication should be trialled unless there's a reason that isn't possible. If it's not an option or doesn't work, then the solution is to help them, do it for them, or to provide them with the resources that allow them to get that help from someone else, from society's point of view. This is why some people get PIP for ADHD and it might be an option to apply for that. Although help from spouses or partners is often unfairly discounted in my experience.

Again, I know very little about Blue Badges but from a brief read of some websites it looks like, with severe ADHD, it's often the parent or carer that does the driving if the child or care receiver qualifies.

I’ve been on a waiting list to be assessed for adhd for several years. I am familiar with it having family members who also have it.

It’s infantilising to make out that because they have a condition, they can’t learn/adapt to learn to do it. Adults can’t opt out of life. It’s not fair to also put additional pressure on his partner.

There are plenty of people who have adhd who do boring things. To just accept they can opt out is not helping them at all. That is infantilising . You can adapt.

Obviously with children their parent drives. But that’s not the case in all blue badge for adhd cases. So if someone with adhd says they struggle with boring tasks, what happens if they decide driving is boring mid drive? Do they just crash?

”You can adapt”
I’d love to know who you are speaking for?

Everything you post makes it even more obvious that don't understand what ADHD is and why its disabling in severe cases. The fact that you maybe have a mild case and know other mild cases is neither here nor there. Repeating over and over again that people with mild ADHD being able to do certain things is evidence that people with severe ADHD can do all of those same things is like arguing that people with severe ME or MS should be able to do everything that people with mild ME or MS can do. They cannot - there's a world of difference between the mild and severe ends of any spectrum condition/disability. Hence why you cannot speak for everyone with ADHD.

And yet again, no it is not infantilising to believe that someone will be disabled by their disability in the ways that academic research has shown that disability to disable people. Please, please, either read some of the science on ADHD or stop making these uninformed comments. Disability is not a choice and is not "opting out of life". This is ableism. If somebody cannot do something then they cannot do it regardless of whether they've been granted permissions of any sort. If you don't believe them you don't have to be their friend or their partner but the fact that severe ADHD can disable to the extent and in the ways described by the OP is well supported by the scientific research.

I can't take your last paragraph seriously on any level.

Are you sure he can read? He’s sounding like someone masking very low literacy.

Has he always been employed? Managing to keep secure employment in the long term, no matter what the wage, suggests he can make sensible decisions when he really needs to.

Why doesn’t he want to be medicated?

While ADHD can impair your ability to make sensible decisions it's not a universal symptom. I know loads of people with ADHD who can't function with basic living tasks but can make good life decisions consistently.

But yeah, I think the reading thing might be worth looking into.

OP, you’ve dodged questions about what attracted you to him in the first place.

You sound fundamentally mismatched. You have another dependent.

You're very silly for marrying and having kids with him. Why would you subject yourself to this?

I’m wondering why you even married this man - you clearly despise him, the way you describe him sounds like he’s just not very intelligent. All your talk of ‘severe ADHD, dopamine’ etc is muddying the waters.