Am I overreacting, or is my partner being controlling about my phone use?

[Sunshineandrainbows99]

I really need some perspective here..

been with partner 2.5 years. I’ve always had issues with some behaviour that I feel is “controlling”

so the weekend we went away abroad for my birthday. We sat down for a meal and I put my phone on the table and messaged my friend a few times.. 3x to be precise. She had some really good baby news so I was thrilled for her.

he said to me “it seems to me that you’ve been on your phone a lot today”. I look at him and I’m like what? And he’s like yeah.. I don’t know what you’re doing on it but it’s been a few times. And at this point I say no I havnt? I’ve been on a few times to message 2 of my friends.

he then said “ it would be nice to feel like your prioritising your relationship rather than prioritising your friends”.

at this point I lose it… I said I’ve barely messaged them and went onto my activity log and said look I’ve been on what’s app for 6 mins in 8hours. I sent 2 messages at 1pm and 4 messages at 2pm.

I said both my friend today are struggling with baby loss news and they have no one to talk to? i said I am not the type of friend to ignore them just because I’m away and on holiday. I said I could understand if I’ve spent the whole meal on my phone but we’ve just sat down..

we’ve not even ordered… I’ve spent all day with you. He then said well you might have only been on it 6 mins but it’s the constant checking to see if someone’s messaged you, you going onto social media and looking.. doing your usual check of the 3 social media accounts, checking in with your son, checking in with your friends. He said you’ve messaged 7 people today.. I said no I’ve messaged 2 friend and my son because my bank card has been hacked.

I said had my bank card not been hacked I wouldn’t even of been on my phone in that time period?

I said he’s being unreasonable and out of order. He said that he had spent a great deal of money and time to take me here and all he’s asking is a reasonable request. I said it would be reasonable if I spent the whole day on my ohone but the evidence and facts are there in black and white.

I went mad and said if you think that I’m a type of girl to be told when I can and can’t go on my phone and not message my friends and be self centered then your with the wrong girl.

he said “evidently I’m with the wrong girl” I’m with someone who’s ungrateful and hasn’t even shown appreciation for being here.

i went to the toilet and I came back still fuming. And then it was “ your over reacting, this reaction is not normal, why are you being this way” which infuriated me even more.

there is numerous times where he accuses me of being on my phone too much, saying he doesn’t know what I’m doing on there, telling me that it’s shady.

the day before he told me in the car that the 2 weeks In a row I’ve got my hair and nails done and not come over to have dinner with him and his kids and basically he’s a bit miffed over it because I’m prioritising that over spending time with his kids. I said I could understand if it’s a pattern but it’s twice and I get them done so infrequently anyways.. and self care is important to me.. I have a stressful job, I share custody so can only do things like that when I don’t have my kids so i just book it in on a day my kids are with their dad.

i said this is the straw that broke the camels back and I’m sick of the constant finger pointing, blaming me for everything, telling me it’s my tone, how I speak, if I didn’t attack him he wouldn’t have to be so defensive.

i posted on here before about his over reaction to me going on an abroad day trip with my friends and I got the cold shoulder and guilt trip.

he’s now messaging me saying I’ve over reacted and my reaction didn’t warrant this. I’ve said he’s controlling..

I said I can understand to a point about having quality time and I’d be more open to it if he was like can we have some quality time babe do you mind putting your phone away.. but to say “it seems to me you’ve been on your phone a lot” .. and then when I got his phone usage up.. he had been on his phone more times than I had and spent more
time in general on it.. and had been speaking to his daughter for 15 mins consistently over messages!! I mean it doesn’t bother me but it’s pot kettle black here.

on the evening we got home and I said I’m done with this I’ve had enough he said I was acting mental and behaving mental… he said he didn’t say I was mental but acting it? Same
thing to me..

I just feel like it’s really unfair and to me controlling? I’ve told him he’s controlling and actually showing signs of narcissistic traits.

Were you pregnant by him ? This relationship can’t stand up to a new baby.

You sound incompatible

Sorry but I would be irritated if someone I was having a meal with had their phone out on the table and was messaging - this means you aren’t concentrating on them / the conversation and are putting them second behind whoever you are
messaging. Regardless of their news it isn’t life threatening and responses could have waited until you finished the meal.

telling you when you can / should get your hair and nails done however is controlling behaviour.

Is he usually mad you don't prioritise HIS dc ?
Does he then have to parent his own dc ?
Shocking..

Myself and my partner always make a point of turning our phones off at mealtimes so we can focus on each other for an hour and find out about their day etc. It's a small thing but I like it. Try it.

I’ve told him he’s controlling and actually showing signs of narcissistic traits.

I’d have dumped someone for this alone, it’s meaningless twaddle.

You have a toddler presumably by someone else, you don’t live together, you rarely see his children and yet you’ve been pregnant by this him this year, all while apparently thinking he’s controlling and it’s a bad relationship.

Make better choices! For your own sake and the various children involved. Break up. Stay single for a bit.

I don’t think any of this matters much to be honest. You’re clearly incompatible. You want to be messaging your friends, seeing friends, etc etc and he seems to want a simpler life with no phones on the table when you go out etc. Neither is wrong, but you can’t make each other happy long term. Personally I am with your dp, I would absolutely hate to sit down for a meal and whoever I was with to put their phone on the table. It’s so distracting. Phones need to be away in a bag or in a pocket when you’re out for a meal. If you’re waiting for an urgent message you excuse yourself and go to the toilet and check your phone at the same time.

@Sunshineandrainbows99 i wouldn’t like donor sitting with their face on the phone will
having a meal or quality time.

However I think this one situation is confusing the all over picture. It sounds like he has trust issues . And /or projecting.
If he is constantly giving digs and you above and enough then that’s fine . Sounds like he is trying to control who
you taken too and what you do with your free time. What do you think he would be like if you were stuck with a bay to him , living together or married ? I think it’s best off you end this op .

You can go on your phone all u want you’re a grown woman, though granted phone on table during a meal can be a bit rude but we’ve all done it. You sounded like you weren’t on it constantly when with him on holiday. So YABNU

it’s concerning he gets the hump with girls trips and hairdressers etc; do u really need this in your life? Don’t commit to a baby with him, feeling the way you do, his behaviour will prob escalate then.

If I were you I’d rethink this relationship, sounds far too stressful

The more detail you give the more controlling he sounds.

you make 2 beauty appointments in 6 months on days he has his kids and you are child free and he doesn’t like it, well tough luck! It’s your free time to do as you please. Yes you might see him and his kids but not every week!

also 6 minutes on a phone in a day is minimal, wa sit ideal at the table no, but that’s a red herring, it was the gaslighting he tried to use and the guilt. The you owe me

i wouldn’t take a bar of it, you obviously aren’t happy and I wouldn’t be either. A partner is meant to enhance your life not diminish it - bin him off before he dulls the person you are (a kind one supporting friends)

Yes he is controlling and this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

Having your phone out at a table and messaging people is rude, whether you have just sat down, have ordered, or whatever.

Yes this. He sounds really hectoring about how you spend your time, where you go, anything that isn't focused on him. Then he's telling you your reaction is wrong. Does he think you do anything right? End it

Look you are allowed to do wth you like

Most decent fellas wouldn’t mind you messaging a friend under those circumstances regardless of being out for dinner

Most ppl check their phones regularly- I see it all the time , sadly it’s just a way of life for many!

And he seems a bit needy, soon he would have you walking on egg shells - I think this is why u push back because he’s a twat and being unfair - tell him you do not appreciate being told what to do and when

Likewise if he has an issue ask him to be mindful how he communicates that to you

This relationship sounds like it's run it's course, you're irritating each other now, where's the joy and mutual support?

As you both have kids, better to end it sooner than later to reduce confusion for them by dragging out an unsatisfactory relationship.

Sadly, this is not about phone usage, or getting your hair or nails done.If you are honest with yourself, these are symptoms of rather more serious underlying issues betwenn you. I don't know what those might be, but if they were addressed, chances are the other "problems" will simply melt away. Only you and your husband know what the underlying issues are and whether you can overcome them though.

Run .

Controlling behaviour is very concerning / also icky .

RUN now. This won't improve. Believe me I know. It is control and he's accusing you of doing something wrong because you're on your phone. My ex once told me we are both to put away our phones in the evening. This was so he could have my undivided attention. He still tries to control me now and we're divorced.
Get our now.

As others have said, using your phone at the table is rude.

But the bigger issue is you seem to irritate and not respect each other.

What’s the point if it’s like that between you? The goodwill has clearly gone on both sides. It doesn’t sound like you’re having fun even on holiday/during meals out. It won’t get better, it never does once the respect has gone. Just get out before you waste more time.

I just feel like you're better off single. You resent his interference and monitoring, he wants a girlfriend who makes different choices to those that you make. Time to end it.

You think he's controlling with narcissistic traits yet you are still with him @Sunshineandrainbows99. Why?

For your toddler's sake, end this relationship before you get pregnant again. Having a baby with someone you think is controlling is a seriously bad decision.

Relationships shouldn’t be this hard. Justifying your actions, comparing the screen use data, rationing your texts to your friends, having a debate over seeing your mum on your birthday… absolutely not for me, thanks.
Based on what you’ve said, you feel as if he’s got controlling tendencies and this is a pattern. Listen to your gut.

Inconsistent stories about your friend with good baby news/baby loss. Then you referred to friend as 'them' when it appears to be one friend and you could easily have said 'her'.

It's rude to be fiddling with phone at the table, you could have texted later.

Seems like the end of the road for this relationship.

You are majorly out of order.
blowing up like that. Are you 12 ?

Mumsnet can be so embarrassing at times. So many holier-than-thou posters jumping on to stick the boot in about a quick couple of texts at dinner time while ignoring all the obvious signs of a clearly abusive relationship. Your last thread about the way he kicked off about your day trip should have been enough for you to finish it, OP. Please don't try for another pregnancy with this man. You need to leave him ASAP, concentrate on your toddler, and work on your boundaries.

Agree. It’s rude. Your response doesn’t have to be instant.