How to make new friends aged 36? Without feeling sidelined?

[RowsOfFlowers]

Hi, I was wondering if I can get some advice.
Whilst I do have friends, I don’t have many. And I always feel like they prioritise other friends or family (e.g. sisters, nieces, nephews etc). I don’t have family other than my mum and a cousin who lives a way away. I am married, 36 and I’m pregnant, so I feel it’s a tricky time to make new friends, but are there any opportunities I might be missing? I know mum & baby groups are likely to come in the future, but I’m worried I’ll always have this feeling of being a “sideline” friend. It’s painful! I also feel it sort of puts me off wanting to make new friends, even though deep down I do want them. I had a friend locally who I used to go to an exercise and craft group with but she ran the craft group and it would often be groups or couples of friends coming together. It’s really hard!

Do antenatal classes, it will help make friends with people to hang out with on maternity leave. Be friendly at baby classes, you’ll make friends that way too. Do the pram walks, do the coffees, do all the things and don’t be afraid to suggest them.

My friend used the app Peanut and found some good mum friends. Her technique on there and Bumble BFF was to swipe right on everyone and then only chat with people who messaged her first - because it showed they were proactive and keen.

I’m also 36 and I feel like it’s a stage of life where everyone is really busy and friends are spread out, so you have to get things in the diary weeks or months in advance. I’m close with my friends but also don’t have many, so it’s been hard to go from seeing friends weekly in previous years to having to pin down dates far in advance

Thank you 😊 there is a mum and baby pram walk group near me actually that I’m hoping to join when the time comes!

I was on Peanut for a week, but I’m not sure it’s for me! Maybe I need to give it more of a go. I chatted with a couple of people but it was very basic conversation that didn’t seem to go anywhere!

I’ve used Bumble BFF before and a lot of conversations don’t go anywhere, like with dating apps. But I met one of my now best friends on there so I think it’s worth persevering to get beyond the small talk

It’s not at all a ‘tricky’ time to make friends. It’s the perfect time. Having a child will bring you into contact with lots of new people, from antenatal classes to baby groups to (eventually) the school run and your child’s friends’ parents etc etc. But these are just opportunities to meet people, not any kind of guarantee — to an extent it’s chance, individual chemistry etc and you will need to be proactive if/when you meet people you like. My NCT group, for instance, just didn’t like one another, and almost never got together at all after the babies were a couple of months old, whereas some people develop close, lifelong friendships via NCT. It’s pure chance.

And also be realistic. People will already have other friends. But I can’t help thinking your attitude may be contributing to you feeling like a ‘sideline friend’. Be proactive. If you meet people you like, invite them for coffee etc.

When you say ‘they always prioritise other friends or family’ I worry you have unrealistic expectations of a friendship or are coming across too intense.

I love making new friends, but you don’t meet someone and they immediately take a place in your inner circle. Friendships grow naturally over time, intimacy is earned not instant, and it is offputting to find a new friend feels entitled to your time. I moved abroad in my early 30s so have been both the person with no friends, and the person with a slightly fuller social calendar who meets those new people with no friends!

One of my friends hasn’t been able to meet up with me for a few weekends because her pregnant sister has been put on bed rest and she goes to see her. I haven’t been ‘sidelined’ and I’m sure if I told my friend ‘you always put your sister before me’ she would say ‘duh!’.

My advice is to take it slow and match people’s energy. Some friendships work out, some work out for a time. Some of my friends I see less often than I’d like because they are busy, but I love it when I do see them. Just enjoy the time together!

Mum friends will inevitably sideline you for your family time and a lot of the mums you meet in baby groups will drift away once they go back to work. I think it’s important to be realistic about how adult friendships work, so that you’re not getting unnecessarily hurt. The right place and time are bigger factors even than your personality in how long a friendship lasts so try and focus some of your efforts close to home, in your immediate neighbourhood.

Yeah, I’m not looking to be instantly part of the inner circle. Some of these friends I have I’ve known for a few years.

I misunderstood, I thought you were talking about new people.

My advice still stands though - match people’s energy and extend them the same courtesy they’d give you. Sometimes friendships are uneven due to what’s going on in life, so I do understand that often it isn’t 50/50. But is it 50/50 when you ‘zoom out’?

I’m not a flakey person, but I have a couple of friends that are so I take it as an opportunity to ‘flake out’ if my plans change or I’m too tired - but only with them!

I’ve also definitely had people who view me as a ‘coffee friend’ and not a ‘best friend’ when that wasn’t quite what I wanted … I found that if I treated them like a ‘coffee friend’ soon that’s what they became in my head and I had a great time again. It did require ‘getting out of my own way’ a bit though!

I understand you. Sorry if unclear but my post makes two points I guess - existing friendships feeling a bit distant and unreciprocated and then how to make new friendships! I am most definitely a walk and coffee friend for some. And others I may see once every couple of months!

I think having a baby will open up more opportunities to make new friends for sure. I wondered how I may be able to do that now while I am pregnant (I am 3 months pregnant)

Well, a baby-shaped bomb is going to go off in your life in the near future, so rather than trying to make new friends who aren’t going to be hit with the same big life change, it makes sense to focus on people in a similar situation. But most of the opportunities are later in pregnancy.

Are you planning to do an NCT antenatal course, for example? That’s usually a final trimester thing, but you’ll need to book earlier. It covers nothing you can’t get for free elsewhere, but most people who do it treat it as an opportunity to make potential local friends whose babies will arrive around the same time as yours. Having said that, when it doesn’t work because you end up not liking one another (because all you have in common is babies of the same age), it’s expensive.

Yes, my husband and I have already booked onto NCT that starts in the new year, so we have that to look forward to at least! I’m also going in with realistic expectations that we may not necessarily meet people we gel with. I’m also trying to look into pregnancy yoga/pilates classes!

There are degrees of friendship and in the end most people will prioritise their family over friends.
Just enjoy the walk and coffee friends for what they are and don’t expect more.
I have a lot of people I know on this level.
I am older now and I have one friend I met at age eleven and have known her for over 60 years. She feels like a family member but I still expect she will prioritise her family.
I made a friend about ten years ago and we developed quite a deep friendship and shared a lot but when she became ill it was her daughter she wanted and she withdrew a bit.
I think you might have to adjust your expectations. People like friends who are easy going and undemanding. Just have a good time and help each other out when you can and connections grow.
Don’t over exert yourself for anyone who doesn’t reciprocate. I did distance from one person because it was all one sided , she just talked at length about her problems and wanted everything on her terms.

I'm not from the UK and have no family here. Pregnancy and early motherhood were the times I met a lot of people in similar situations.

I joined an NCT group, pregnancy yoga group, a baby massage group, a maternity leave book club, and other baby groups and met lots of the same people over and over and we had standing weekly lunch date.

Just be prepared to spend most of the time talking about poo, sleep, boobs, and snot.

i think one-to-one meetups might actually be easier than trying to break into an existing group. personally, try using spontap to find people nearby who are up for something simple like coffee or a walk, which takes away some of that “i’m the extra person here” feeling.