Divorce at 43 - feel so lost and afraid

[brokendogmum]

’D’H I have been together 15 years and married 10. Without making it unnecessarily long, he has said he’s no longer happy in our marriage and wants to divorce. I am as sure as I can be that there is no one else involved, he just doesn’t feel he loves me any more and we have drifted apart. I have tried to convince him to try but he’s just done.

I just feel so lost, scared and lonely. He was my person, the one I always thought I could rely on and who would be there by my side forever.
we don’t have children, it just never happened and I was ok with that as we were enough together but now I’m facing down the fact that it’s too late to have them and I also now don’t have him. It’s absolutely devastating.

We need to live together while we try to sell the house. It feels like it’s almost worse with there being no ‘thing’ I can blame. It’s like our story just ended.

Im trying to be strong and as positive as I can with work, friends and family but I just feel so totally broken. I just need somewhere where I can be honest about how terrified I am about the whole situation and how totally lonely I feel.

Not sure what I’m looking for other than anyone who might understand.

Oh im so sorry, this is heartbreaking to read. I think sometimes when theres no big betrayal or awful thing thats happened it can almost make it harder, because theres nothing to be angry at or blame, its just the life you thought you were going to have suddenly isnt there anymore.

15 years is such a huge part of your life aswell, of course you feel lost and terrified right now. He wasnt just your husband he was your person and your home in a way, and your grieving all of that at once.
And the children part must hurt so much too, especially when you had made peace with not having them because you had eachother. I can completely understand why it now feels like your losing two futures at the same time.

Please dont put pressure on yourself to be strong all the time. You dont need to be positive about this yet, its massive and its very very new. Just get through each day at the moment and lean on your friends and family as much as you can. You wont always feel this lonely even if it feels impossible to believe that right now

Oh this is horrible, i know what it feels like when someone whips the carpet out from under you, everything you’re feeling is normal and it will get better with time, you are definitely not too old to have children but obviously finding a man you feel confident enough to have children with is going to seem difficult at the moment whilst you’re feeling broken.

It’s going to take time but you will be alright, you will love again and hopefully the next one will be your mr right…

Did your hubby give any indication why he has decided it’s not for him anymore, is it sex related perhaps?

I’m so sorry OP. Personally the sooner I could leave the house and move on the better, but that might be just me. You then have the grief of your old life ending still but you will have new things happening as well. Like a flat to decorate.

I'm so sorry, it's incredibly hard and a shock. Go easy on yourself, you can't be strong all the time and you're allowed to cry, take time off work, feel anxious about the future - all this is normal. Lean on your family and friends if you can. Get some legal advice and try and expedite the process as much as you can. Living in the same house is very difficult so you want to make it for as short a time as possible.

I know it's scary, change and the unknown always is. And you're grieving the loss of a relationship that you thought was forever. It takes time and it's difficult but you will come out the other side and you will be ok. You're still young and have lots of life ahead of you - there will be new friends, new adventures, very possibly new loves! You will get there 💐

Oh OP. Your post resonated with me.

I also know what it's like to not have children and feel like your spouse is your person who'll always be on your side and I don't know what I'd do if I lost him. I too would feel unmoored and very much daunted by the future. I say that not to scare you but to let you know that it's totally normal to feel that way. The important thing is this feeling won't last forever.

Allow yourself to grieve the end of a very important period of your life and take things one day at a time. Imagining the whole future ahead of you when you're this scared and sad will overwhelm you and most importantly, your grief will lie to you and make things seem more bleak than they actually are.
Be kind and gentle to yourself during this dark period - surround yourself with the people who love you, immerse yourself in the things you enjoy doing even if they've temporarily lost their appeal, go for long walks and drives, cry as much as you need to.

And when the house has sold and the fog of grief has cleared a little, take steps to build yourself into the best and happiest version of you - find a good therapist to help you heal from this, visit the places you've always wanted to see, work out so you feel strong and fit physically, learn a new skill that you've always wanted to acquire, join a social group to remind yourself that there are people everywhere who are happy to be part of your village. Notice I haven't said anything about finding another love or partner again; not because it won't happen - it very likely will but either way you will be fine.

It is so sad when relationships end, especially when one of you is still in love. I really feel for you.

You need to remind yourself that all relationships end one way or another, and the important thing is to get through this really difficult time being gracious and reasonable, but not a pushover.

You will cope without him, and you will find future happiness. 💐

Sending big hugs. Completely understand how it feels when being blindsides and having your world turned upside down.

It's particularly hard to think that, you settled for not having children for him, but then he did this to you.

On the bright side, you never need to worry about co-parenting mess with an selfish ex.

By the way, he might not have someone yet, but could have been planted seed etc...

Whatever the reason is, you are not on his boat. His boat only has himself.

Thank you all so much, honestly, you’ve made me cry but in a good way!

I was in pretty much the exactly same situation but I’m about 6 months ahead of where you are right now. 41, no kids, together 16 years, married 8. My husband moaned about being unhappy and then eventually left. It turned out he had had an affair, and I hope that is not the case for you, but I wanted to tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel in any case.

I do still have some low days, and we are in the middle of selling our house and dividing up our stuff which is quite stressful. Sometimes I wonder if I would have had children if I had a husband who didn’t behave like a teenager himself. But that ship has sailed for me now and I try my best not to dwell on it, instead I’m trying to focus on things like solo travel which I can enjoy now that I have this freedom. I’ve also had an offer accepted on a really lovely house just for me and the dog. I’m excited to be able to decorate it however I want and do whatever I like in it with no man to mess it up or moan.

One thing that really helped me was to take an honest look at how my marriage had actually been in the last couple of years. My husband behaved terribly and I made a huge list of all the things I wouldn’t miss about him, I look at the list whenever I feel sad and instead it makes me angry at how much of a loser he is and how much crap I put up with.

You’ll be ok OP, unfortunately it’s just a slow process with loads of ups and downs and you are right at the start. Feel free to message me if it would help.