Late 20s and finding it harder and harder to make friends

[CloudyVenus]

I’ve struggled with friendships pretty much all my life, but now I’m in my late 20s I feel like it’s getting harder and harder to make new friends.

Over the years I’ve had quite a few friendships break down, usually because the other person has done something that I felt they shouldn’t have, rather than because of a massive argument or anything. I do have one long-term friend who I’m still very close to, but she’s recently had a baby so obviously she’s busy and I completely understand that.

The problem is that whenever I do try to make a new friend, even online, it seems to go the same way. We’ll chat for a while, they’ll say they’d like to keep talking or get to know me, and then suddenly they either take ages to read my messages or just stop replying altogether. I’m left wondering what I’ve done wrong, but as far as I know I haven’t upset anyone and nobody has ever actually told me that I have. After a while it just makes me not want to bother trying anymore because it feels like I’m constantly putting myself out there and getting nowhere.

I have my husband, and obviously I’m very grateful for him, but he’s actually said he’s a bit concerned because I don’t really do anything socially anymore. He thinks I need more of a life outside of him, and I know he’s probably right.

I’m also going through infertility at the moment, which my friend knows about, and I think that probably makes things a bit harder emotionally. I know lots of people make friends through having children, baby groups, school etc., and obviously that’s not something I can currently do.

I also tend to keep work and personal life separate. I have work friends, but I mostly work with men and I’ve never really wanted my work life to spill over into my personal life. Although I do wonder whether that’s actually part of the problem, because work seems to be where a lot of adults naturally make friends.

I’m also quite shy in person, especially around people I don’t know. My husband says that once people actually get to know me I’m quite easy to get along with and that people just don’t usually give me enough of a chance. He might just be saying that because he loves me though!

I also can’t really drink much because of some health issues, and I know drinking/going to the pub or having drinks is quite a common way that people socialise and make friends. I’m not saying I need to drink to have friends, but I do sometimes feel like it makes things a bit more difficult when so many social situations seem to revolve around it.

I suppose I’m wondering if anyone else has found friendships particularly difficult in their late 20s/30s? Is it actually normal to find it this hard to make genuine friends as an adult?

I’d really like to have people to go for coffee with, go shopping with, meet for lunch, or just message and have a proper chat with. I don’t necessarily need loads of friends - I’d just really like a couple of genuine friendships that actually stick.

Move to a new city

What are these people done that you say you feel they shouldn’t have done because you’re saying that’s the reason the friendships broke down

I don’t drop my friends when they make one mistake (generally obviously some acts are worse than others). That immediately makes me wonder whether you’re someone who cuts people out prematurely.

Generally people don’t need or want more friends in their late 20s and 30s because most people have a couple of solid mates and a full time job and find that plus a partner or dating is enough.

You’re doing the classic thing I see on here all the time from posters who struggle with friendships — you focus on what you want a friend for (coffee, shopping etc) but rather as though anyone will do to fill that gap! Friendships don’t work like that. A specific person gels with a specific person. It’s not a matter of a generic nice person automatically befriending another generic nice/easy to get on with person.

Think about what kind of person you like, and where you’re likely to come across them. I tend to like people who love what they do, and work in the arts, so I have lots of writer/musician/artist/arts admin friends that I met via work (university), writers’ groups, printmaking classes etc. Why aren’t you open to befriending colleagues?

I’ve moved around a lot, most recently aged 48, and am still making friends in my 50s, so you’ve got lots of time. You say you only want a couple of good friends, but it’s a numbers game. You might need to make 20 acquaintances to end up with two good friends.

And yes to what @OrangeFlower14 and @Sunbringer said — I don’t think I’ve ever in my life ended a friendship because someone did something I thought they shouldn’t. If you’re doing this a lot, I think it’s something to think about,

I probably should have explained that part better because I can see how it sounds from my post!

I definitely don't mean that I drop someone because they make one mistake or because they annoy me once. The friendships that have broken down have generally been because of repeated behaviour or things that I felt crossed a line, rather than just normal disagreements or someone making a mistake. I’m not someone who expects people to be perfect.

I also don't expect to be able to meet a random person and immediately have a close friendship. The coffee/shopping/lunch examples were more what I meant by the sort of friendship I would eventually like to have, rather than thinking “anyone will do”.

I think my frustration is more that I struggle to even get past the acquaintance stage sometimes. I’ll meet/chat to someone, we seem to get along, they say they’d like to keep talking and then the conversation just dies. So I suppose I’m wondering how people actually get from that stage to becoming proper friends as an adult.

As for work, I think I probably could be more open to it. I’ve always deliberately kept work and personal life separate because I don't really want work drama following me home, but perhaps I've made that boundary a bit too strict.

And I do appreciate the point about it being a numbers game. I think after having so many conversations fizzle out over the years, I've become quite discouraged and probably expect it to happen now, which obviously doesn't help me put myself out there.

Do you actually arrange to go for a coffee with these people? At what point do they stop chatting?

There has been quite a bit of research on friendship building- around things like repeated proximity, say at a book group or dance class, low pressure interaction- the bits before classes etc, and space for real conversation.
Have a look. Shared activities are great- say craft groups, art classes, workshops. It takes courage to put yourself out there, but have a think. Choirs/ volunteering are other ideas.

Yes, sometimes I do suggest meeting up. It tends to be that we'll chat quite regularly for a while, they'll say they'd like to meet up or I'll suggest it, and then either we don't actually manage to arrange anything or the messaging gradually becomes one-sided and eventually stops.

The most recent example was someone I met through my husband's work. We'd been chatting and she said she'd meet up with me later that week, but then she stopped replying to me for over a week and eventually read my messages without responding. She'd apparently told my husband that she'd been working nights, which I completely understand can make replying difficult, but she hadn't said anything to me herself. I was just left feeling a bit confused about where I stood.

I don't expect someone to reply immediately or always be available - I know people have lives! I think it's more when someone says they want to keep talking/meet up but then doesn't really follow through, because at that point I don't know whether to keep trying or leave them alone.

And thank you for the suggestions about shared activities. I think that's probably something I need to look into, as repeatedly trying to make friends through messaging alone clearly hasn't worked particularly well for me.

Where are you based?

I'm in Suffolk 😊

i think the bit that makes this harder as an adult is that you can chat to someone for ages and still never actually meet. i use spontap because it’s more focused on finding people nearby who are actually free to go for coffee, lunch, a walk etc. rather than just matching and messaging forever.

@QuirkySheep thank you! I will have a look into that :)