Infrequent sex in marriage aged 40-50 with young children

[Chocolattecoffeecuppa]

I'm 44, DH is 50, we have two children aged 5 and 3. We have sex maybe once or twice a month usually when I am ovulating because that's when I'm in the mood. We both have busy jobs so I think we just feel tired. I don't really feel interested the rest of the month. DH doesn't seem bothered either but if I initiate he seems pleased so I think he knows I'm only in the mood infrequently. We've been together 20 years now and have young children so this feels okay. Sometimes I think about those beginning stages of our relationship and miss it but I guess it's normal for a relationship change? I also know that there's no normal and if we're happy then it's probably fine.

I wondered how common this is.

It ebbs and flows in accordance with life stresses and hormonal changes. I remember being similar when my kids were small. It did come back once they both got a bit older and more independent, slowed down again at different points through life stress and perimenopause, came back with the resolving of those stresses and HRT. All very normal, and certainly if you’re both OK with how things are it’s nothing to worry about. It’s very hard to feel in the mood as often when you’re in the trenches with small children. It helps once they get a bit more independent and you can find more time to connect.

I think if you’re both happy with the situation then it’s fine. As you said there is no normal. What works for one couple might not work for others.

If you are asking for comparing and contrasting then I would say my relationship is very different than yours.

Yeah I am happy as I know I'm not that bothered about sex a lot of the time but I am finding myself thinking about and almost craving that spark that exists in newer relationships.

It’s extremely common, kids just kill the mood, being tired kills the mood, stress kills the mood, you really have to make time for yourselves although it’s sometimes easier said that done.

@OMGDidYouSayThat The DC are not so young that we don't get sleep at this point but DH and I very rarely do things on our own, maybe once or twice a year we have a date night!