Returning to work and worried husband is not pulling his weight

[embroideredpanda]

I am about to return up work from maternity leave and I’m really worried about what it’s going to do to my relationship.

My husband has not taken to fatherhood. He has said himself that he finds spending time with her boring.

My job is more demanding and less flexible. He will have her alone one day a week. He has already adopted this working pattern, while I’m on mat leave, and he spends maximum an hour alone with her on his day off. Otherwise, he’s at the gym, running errands, making appointments, booking tickets for exhibitions/cinema, jumping on work calls etc.

I can’t remember the last time he changed her nappy or dressed her. He has never successfully prepared a meal for her (attempted once). He complains if I don’t leave the living room tidy when he takes over for an hour.

I am worried he doesn’t know how much parenting I’m doing and that I won’t have time to do as much as I am doing right now.

Any advice, beyond LTB, which is the only feeling I have right now?

Let him work it out! Once he’s on his own and you aren’t around to pick up the slack then he won’t have a choice. It’s so embarrassing that he’s not doing basic care of her right now, but he will have to work it out.
Don’t burn yourself out getting things ready or taking over when you’re not working. Give it a chance, he might step up. But also be prepared for him to not and then you can get your ducks in a row.

I can't get over the fact he finds his child boring. It doesn't sound as though he has put any effort in to getting to know his own child.
And it sounds as though you have enabled him just to continue living his life as though he doesn't have parental responsibility. The not being able to prepare food for her sounds like deliberate incompetence.

Why dont you start now going out and leaving him looking after the baby? Don't give him the option not too. Just go out and leave him to it. He will have to manage looking after her and learn how to do things.

Men usually become more interested in children when they move beyond the baby stage. If he has her one day a week without you there, it’s going to be an excellent opportunity for him to learn what to do and to bond with her. Just make sure he understands how often/when he needs to feed and change her ad when she naps.

You could write it down on a piece of paper for him. Then leave him to it.
Make sure he understands that on this day he should have dinner ready for you when you get in from work as well, and is expected to bath baby since you’ll have been at work all day…
Also make sure he knows the safety stuff like testing the bathwater with his elbow or stirring microwaved milk so it doesn’t scald her etc.

Start leaving him on his own with her for longer periods and go out. I think going from one hour to one day will be a bit of a shock to the system. Does he get up in the night to her or get up early in the morning?

If you find your ending up doing more
then his drop your hours and get a cleaner/more childcare if you find you need too. If he doesn’t get on with having DC for his day then he can always go back to working full time

Is she actually going to be safe with him would be my main concern.

Really, by this point, he should be having her for extended periods so that you both know he’s going to cope and can be trusted. From your description of him so far I’m not sure this is the case.

Good luck. Hopefully, once he’s forced to, he’ll step up to the challenge.

He doesn't enjoy time with his child is sad in itself but now it's time to be practical. Start leaving him with the baby for longer periods of time. Insist that he has to learn to change the nappy, prepare her meals etc. Yeah, it can get boring at times but this is what parenthood looks like. He can't pick and choose.

You need to drop him in it more. Why is he only spending an hour with her on his day off? Go out for the day and let him figure it out. When my eldest was that age, I’d already gone away for 2 nights for a work training. When she was 16 months old, I went to Australia for 2 weeks for work! Dh figured it out. And why is he doing so little? Dh was doing bathtime every night from literally their first baths. I didn’t even know how to do a bath when he went away for the first time at 4 months. Hand him the baby and tell him what needs doing and come back later. He’ll have to work it out. We all do. Honestly, babies ARE boring. But they’re our boring thing we chose so we have to get on with it.