Has marriage counselling worked for you?

[SparkleFly]

I short I carry 99% of the mental load, and I do 100% of the life admin. Husband is a technophobe which means I have to do anything involving the internet (ordering stuff, researching anything, booking holidays, insurance, utilities, mortgage etc etc). Anything else only gets done when I say eg "we need to hoover the house" otherwise it wouldn't get done, he doesn't think to do the laundry, our eldest is probably ADHD so I'm the one researching and navigating all of that too. I'm mentally exhausted all of the time and while he's watching TV in the evenings I'm on my phone doing all the life admin so don't even get a proper chance to switch off.

I've reached breaking point several times and explained in tears that it's too much, I can't cope with it all and he needs to help more. He's then agreed to take some jobs off me.
Then those jobs just don't get done as he doesn't think to do them, there's a backlog which causes even more hassle and then I have to do them anyway.
If I complain about it, I get "don't start" and I'm treated like a nagging housewife.

He also doesn't know how to handle our eldest's ADHD behaviour and ends up making things worse when he has outbursts. Because I'm the only one researching the behaviours and how to respond. So again it's up to me to do all of that background work and relay the information to him.

In terms of our relationship, he never tells me I look nice, is not affectionate and makes very little effort with Christmas and my birthday. Which then causes upset on those occasions as after all my efforts all year, I feel totally unseen and underappreciated.

He is a good father to our kids though, and will work hard in the home if I literally spell everything out for him. Before kids our relationship was a lot better, we obviously had a lot more time to ourselves, so my doing all the life admin wasn't as noticeable and was also a lot less anyway. I don't want to ditch the marriage as I feel it has the potential to be better, and I think once the kids are older and we have our time back, it will be more enjoyable. But right now I feel like a very undervalued and unpaid employee, not a valued wife and mother.

Will a relationship counsellor sort these things out? It's as if I need a stranger to pull him up on it all and say "no, this is not ok, you need to pull your fucking socks up and show some appreciation here, treat your wife like she matters" because all previous attempts by me have fallen flat 😞.

Please be kind 🙏

It won't harm to try will it?
But do your husband want to engage in changes?

I wouldn't be able to do what you do.

It helped me in that it helped me end the relationship. I had counselling on my iwn and it really just cemented things in my mind and kind of gave me permission almost, to end the relationship.

Thats lrobably nit what you wanted to hear, sorry. But I can catergorically say that it helped me a lot.

Counselling will give you an opportunity to day these things yourself and help him to reach the realisation himself. Some exercises to encourage you to reflect on stuff you've broyght up may be suggested, but really, IMO, it's an opportunity to say what you need to say, in a focused environment and for it to land, hopefully. It can be frustrating and painful but always worthwhile even if it doesn't lead to you staying together. I really sympathise - I have experienced similar in my marriage but to a much lesser degree than you and it was no way to live. Best of luck.

Thanks, could I ask if your marriage survived?

Does he work outside the home?.

Would he actually go to marriage counselling?. If he refuses I would go on my own.

Why are these men described as good dads?. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. And when your kids are older they’ll be wondering why you stayed with such a man if they are not already?. What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is no legacy to leave them.

What do they see when they look at you two: an otherwise preoccupied mother always on the go to an early grave and a lazy arsed man child dad who is riding your coattails . And I would not stay with him out some hope that things will get better as the kids age. His overall attitude has not changed and is unlikely to as he’s quite happy as he is. His “don’t start” comment is enough to shut you down and it could also just be a matter of time before the kids start saying similar to you.

Marriage counselling will very likely help these areas that you describe.
In my case my husband was verbally and emotionally abusive so ultimately it didn't work. But it did help to clarify things.
For instance my husband was always saying that I didn't do enough in the house. So in counselling I suggested a rota and drew one up.
What transpired from that was it became obvious that I was actually doing the lion's share, and that there were lots of jobs he just wouldn't do. He just expected me to do it all.
Now, it's true that I have ADHD and struggle to stay on top of the housework. But it was also true that he expected the woman to be on top of all that, was unwilling to do his share, and liked to use it all as an excuse for his abusiveness.
I think in your case the marriage counselling would really help to get him to start sharing the load. A third party can really help clarify things and get your point across.
Even though it didn't fix my marriage, it really helped me to see some things clearly. (And apparently it never works when there's abuse anyway).
I think in your case you have a good chance of it working.

I’ve found it helps you to talk about things that might be difficult without support and in my case, it has helped DH take my views more seriously. My DH can change his behaviour so it is definitely worthwhile. You should certainly try at least!

For us it was a different situation and we went when my husband felt it was over, something he had apparently thought for a long time but kept to himself, and I wanted to try everything possible to make it work. It was a very painful experience in terms of hearing him talk about how he really felt for the first time but it helped me realise that it really was over. If you’re not too far gone though I think it could be beneficial and I’m glad we at least tried it

I can’t answer your question, but if your daughter has adhd then it’s possible he has as well? My eldest is diagnosed adhd and my DH definitely is (although not diagnosed) - and he sounds exactly the same as your DH. Just thought it might be helpful to explore that side of things as well?

Yes, it's hard when your husband is more like a 3rd child who has to be told to do every single chore and then get lip about it.

Since he's acting like a kid, set up a plan to treat him as such. Tell him you're making a chore chart for each member in the family, where each of you can check off the box when it's completed. Instead of psychologically being the boss of him, let him have input, such as which day of the week is best for him to vacuum. Decide together whether you will rotate chores or not. Sometimes a person hates to do the dishes but doesn't mind doing the laundry. Decide which will work best for you all.

For the bill paying, assign him a few utilities to pay each month and either go back to paper billing where he mails a check, or tell him you will sit with him daily to practice the online bill paying until he gets it down pat. Don't let him slip out of that. If he doesn't pay a bill on time, such as the water bill or electric bill, don't swoop in. Let him pay the consequences if those things are turned off or he gets a late fee.

I believe marital therapy could help. My first marriage didn't work out though there were worse problems than just him not being an independent thinker and spendthrift. We did counseling on two separate time periods. Since I worked a later shift and bought simple food items that my husband and two teens could've heated in the microwave, I assumed a meal would be ready when I got home. But they all waited for me. The therapist said some people have to have everything spelled out, so I began writing directions of what time to put the item in the oven or microwave and at what temperature, who's turn it was to empty dishwasher, etc. That began working well.

Anyway, it might be harder to initially not give in when he fails and do it yourself. But it'll be wiser to not give in, with a better outcome of a permanent change where he's learned you're serious about a more equal division of family tasks. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I would expect him to just make promises and then fail to live up to them again. But at least you will have tried.

The marriage counseling we experienced was more about calming the nervous system, learning to connect and really listen to each other, answering/understanding the question or issue the other spouse was really talking about rather than what they thought was being said.
It did help a lot to build connection. But we both really wanted things to improve.
Im guessing you have but have you considered as a couple having a weekly meeting to lay out together the jobs for the week/month ahead. Then allocating them.
He doesn’t need to help more - he needs to take ownership and actively participate. Does he have adhd himself?
Maybe it needs to be more visual or as appointments on his phone.
He’s a technophobe which is his choice but things can also be done over the phone.
It doesn’t sound very wearing and
maybe you both need set tasks. Honestly I think I’d say something like: let’s sit down on Sunday at 14:00 and plan a holiday/write a Christmas list. You both do those tasks then and if it was for example Christmas and he doesn’t get the gifts for parents/cousins etc that’s on him and not your responsibility.

Yes.. So far. It was very healing to have honest conversations and to understand things from another perspective. But.. A year later and I feel distance creeping in again. My husband is very defensive so it makes it very difficult to approach him. I do call him out but not enough. We are very infrequently intimate because I have no desire for someone I don't feel emotionally close with. We have moments but it's clear that we have a lot of work to do. It will be our life's work. I understand that now. It's a choice, every day. Some days it's one I feel more enthusiasm for than others.