My partner doesn’t invite me to couples nights out.

[CreativeWren]

Hi, I’m just trying to get some perspective on this issue. I’ve been with my partner for over 5 years, we don’t live together and both have our own kids from previous relationships. We do a lot of things together and are a proper couple but we have our own lives too.

A few times over the years my partner has been invited out with his friends and it’s become clear that the friends’ wives and partners are going too but no-one has thought to invite me. I don’t really know any of these people but I think it’s disrespectful to not at least invite me as they know that we are a couple, even if we are not living together like a conventional couple. If I was going out with my friends and their husbands I would automatically invite my partner and my friends would invite him to any couple-y things they were inviting me to. It’s happened again tonight and my partner doesn’t seem to see a problem but I’m really hurt by it as it feels disrespectful to me and our relationship. Am I being unreasonable?

Saying he's "just a man and doesn't think about these things" is okay for the first one or two times that it happens. But now it's happened lots of times he's an idiot to think that is in any way a reasonable excuse. Next time I'd go along even with 30 minutes notice OP!

it sounds like they’re not real friends and some are heavy drinkers so things may get out of control with them.

have you thought that maybe he’s embarrassed of them and not you?

maybe even if they’re loud he actually enjoys their company but thinks you’d think less of him if you met them.

not saying this is true, and you should definitely talk to him about it, but i think you shouldn’t jump to thinking you are the problem.

The obvious answer is that he doesn't see you as a partner, maybe he views your relationship as more casual? Which is an issue after 5 years.

Could this be a reflection of how he views your relationship vs how you view it?
As in, is he possible he doesn’t think of you as his life partner, more a temporary or low commitment girlfriend?

The only reason I can think of for not including you is that the partners of the friendship groups are actually friends in their own right. For example if they all went to university together or all worked together at some point and have that shared history. When they get together there will be a social shorthand that would be tiresome to continually have to explain to a newbie.

As you are included with his core group of friends maybe seeing his other friends without you is a way of socialising independently, which isn’t a bad thing

He clearly doesn’t see you as a partner in the way you see him. After 5 years, he’s odd to not include you.

We had a friend in a group like this. We would all go out with partners, we’d plan it in advance, invite friend and tell him to bring his partner but he’d never bring her along (this was forever ago btw and before mobile phones) he would always say she was busy, but would always be very flirty with other women whilst out. Years later when we were out with them as a couple, she got angry with us for never inviting her out, turns out he just never invited her in the first place! She didn’t believe us when we told her that we’d been inviting her all along. I guess my point is that there is a reason he doesn’t want you there and he’s the only one you can be annoyed with and not the others. It’s a definite red flag in my book.

Okay, this puts a completely different view of it. You are not at all being excluded from his friendship group. You are part of his core friendship group and socialize with him there.

It’s just his periphery social group, that he doesn’t see much or know so well. I don’t understand why you feel he needs to show you off there? You are not a prize he has won. And you don’t need to be integrated into every single part of his life.

i can completely understand why he doesn’t think this is important. I don’t think it’s important either. All the arguments you’ve made don’t stack up after the revelation you are part of his main friendship group.

I would not make a big thing of this. Because it doesn’t really matter. Whether it’s deliberate design he wants a small part of his life without you, or just oversight, I’d let it go. People are entitled to their own thing if they want it.

I go to a weekly social group and one time another man there said I should bring my husband. I was taken aback at the suggestion. Why would I? It’s my thing. I like this being my own small space.

Some people like to integrate their partner into every part of their life, some people like to compartmentalise more than that. Neither is right or wrong, they are just different. You are clearly the former type and he’s the latter.

personally, I’d respect this bit of space he wants.

My ex did that. He told me that I wasn’t invited to the get togethers.
Then I was invited to an event with the whole group - my ex was awful to me and peacocking for another woman.

So I don’t think this is necessarily an issue. I prefer to spend time with my friends without Dh. He is more socially anxious and often wants to invite me so that he isn’t alone. It’s nice to spend time just with your friends. Maybe it annoys him that the other partners always insist on coming when he wants a night just with friends.

That said, it IS weird that you’ve been together over 5 years but still haven’t met all his friends. Friendship isn’t just nights out drinking. When Dh and I see couple friends together it’s meeting for coffee or going for a walk with the kids or coming over for Sunday lunch or dinner at ours (or theirs). Have you offered to joint host the friends for lunch?

This is weird and likely a reflection of how he sees you and your relationship. You may think you’re committed partners but it’s always tricky when you live apart and haven’t fully blended lives.
Either accept that this is a more casual relationship than you thought, and if there are good parts then you could be ok with that, or tell him that this is a problem. If he values you and your relationship he should want to hear your views and do something about it.
He does need his own social life, so try not to come across as unreasonable, but if it’s upsetting you to be excluded from couples events, the balance doesn’t seem to be there. I understand why you’d feel like a dirty secret. Being hidden from parts of his life is hurtful.

How does he not "see a problem"? You've explained to him, more than a few times it seems, the problem it causes for you. It's not something you're just going to get over, even if it wouldn't bother him if the situation were reversed, and the fact that you are concerned and upset by it SHOULD register with him if he cares about you and the relationship, enough to discuss honestly it rather than calm-down-dear'ing you.

He has the right to see his friends on his own; you also have the right to ask why you're not invited to these outings that he describes as involving couples if you think that's a sign of problems int he relationship. The worst part to me is that the reasons he does give you (you wouldn't like the amount of drinking, for example) seem infantilising and disrespectful - if that's the real reason then why not invite you and also warn you that people may be drunk rather than constantly paternalistically deciding for you as if you're unable to make a decision?

Not sure if it has already been said but maybe he puts on a bit of a different personality with his friends, lots of people do this. So he doesn’t invite you because then he’d either have to ‘perform’ this other type of personality in front of you or he’d have to be the person he is with you in front of his friends.

either way may cause embarrassment for him.

This sounds like you are in a situational relationship, and are not a couple. When you are a couple, you see yourselves as a couple. When the social situation is couple orientated you attend as a couple. Over time all family and friends get to see you as a "couple".
Your BF sees you as his partner for certain situations.

Really kindly meant OP but this is not normal.

He is not kind.
He knows well what he is doing.

He knows well you don't like it, yet it continues.
He shuts you down by telling you you "over think things"?
Wow!

Can you really not see how profoundly dismissive this is, and disrespectful?

Are you vulnerable with self esteem issues?
Because women who don't, wouldn't stand for this for a minute.

5 years and he treats you as a convenience?

Men do this for a variety of reasons.
You are good enough for now, he has one eye always looking around.
He doesn't want his friends and family to think you are a real thing.
He hides stuff from you and doesn't want to be exposed.

His friends bring their wives and partners?
But not you?

What he most certainly isn't is, in love with you and thinks you are the best thing.

You are good enough for now and at his core he neither fully respects you, or values you.

Not a chance a woman with self respect would tolerate this treatment.
That you have for 5 years is very sad.
You deserve so much better than being a convenience.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you build self esteem and boundaries.

We teach people how to treat us.
Sadly you have allowed him to think you can be talked down to and treated disrespectfully, because that is all YOU think you deserve.

Apologies if this reads as harsh but you are wasting your time with him.

My husband had a large circle of friends when we met. Within a month they had a Chinese meal planned after a rugby match, he asked me was I interested, but no pressure. I declined as had plans, but he asked me. When a man is keen, he wants you with him.

Sit with how you are feeling.
Feel the hurt and disrespect you are being given by him.

You deserve better.

Being a man is NOT an excuse. Every partner I’ve had would absolutely think of me in this scenario and think about things deeply.

This. And also maybe he likes being able to be sleazy.

Agree with it being your partner not inviting you. You're not going because he doesn't want you there.

Is he doing things that you wouldn't agree with? Like drugs?

I suppose he doesn't have to include you as he's his own person, but you don't have to tolerate him gaslighting you (it's not because he's a man, it's because it's him and he does seem to have compartmentalised you and your relationship), or him dismissing your feelings.

I think if you want to be in a relationship with someone where you are included more often, then it's probably not going to be with him.

How often does he go out with his friends without you? With his friends and you? With just you?

(Edited typo)

How many times is ‘a few times over the years’? You say you do things together and have your own lives so I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. He wants to go out with friends, just because his friends want their partners there doesn’t mean he has to have his there.

Or they all do coke and you don’t?

Are some of the friends mutual friends with his ex? That’s the only reason I can think that he may want a degree of separation, if only to stop gossip/speculation etc going back and forth.

But other than that I agree with everyone else. He sees you as a compartment of his life, not an intrinsic part of it, and he’s in no hurry to integrate you.

Clearly you (understandably!) have different expectations of this relationship, especially after 5 years. If he won’t align with you on this - or even stop pretending he can’t understand why you’re hurt by it - then he’s obviously not going to be motivated to do anything about it. Which in itself tells you everything you need to know.

Definitely a problem with you partner with

Is he definitely going out with the people he says he is?