I am posting about a long-standing and ongoing issue and I understand that I can’t change others, also that I am choosing to continue remaining in relationship with people who haven’t got the interest or capacity to change. I also recognise that I have been supported by my parents in the ways they can and that I will probably come across as entitled and ungrateful.
I am in my mid-40s, female and a sole parent of one neurodivergent pre-teen. I am also autistic and have ADHD, which I am medicated for and have a stable but ongoing physical health condition. I have a stable mid-range job in the public sector, working almost full time from home. My child is also currently not attending school due to sensory challenges and autistic burnout. My child’s other parent was unfortunately an addict with mental health challenges and has not been in our lives for many years. I receive no financial or practical support from them.
I currently live with my parents who are in their mid 70s and both retired. My child and I share a bedroom space and I pay board and lodgings, likely equivalent to what I would be paying in shared accomodation and do significant in-kind support including pet care, cleaning etc. I am incredibly grateful for having a roof over my head and stability for my child.
So far so good. I have an ongoing issue relating to one of my adult siblings and the dynamic between them, my mother, myself and my child and my siblings’ children.
This sibling is several years younger than me and has always been ‘high maintenance’. They have mental health issues and are likely autistic but refuse to get assessed, and have been assessed as being ADHD but again refuse to take medication regularly. They have two older children (teen and preteen) from a disastrous relationship with a much older man who had previous serious criminal convictions and history of relationship breakdown. My sibling actively chose to enter into a relationship with this person, had a splashy and expensive wedding and my parents helped them buy a large and expensive house.
Surprise surprise, the relationship broke down when their olde child was a toddler, but this sibling chose to become pregnant (said it was intentional)) while trying to end the relationship and getting significant financial and emotional support from parents and other family members.
Since leaving the relationship, my parents bailed them out again by gifting them a significant amount of money to buy a house they could afford on minimum wage and government benefits. Within a year of moving to the new house, they repartnered and moved their new partner into the house, and they now have a toddler together. Their older children have been subjected to emotional and psychological abuse from their other parent who also threatened my sibling and their new partner. This situation is now stable but their oldest child has no contact with their non custodial parent.
This sibling has also changed jobs and careers around 6 times in the last 10 years, and has opted to work part time while completing yet another qualification, despite having multiple work ready qualifications that would allow thrm to earn a stable income. They have now sold the house my parents helped them buy and moved into a larger house as a rental. Their current partner pays their way, but has ongoing physical and mental health issues. They also seem to discourage my sibling from getting help with their own mental health issues. For example telling them they do not have ADHD and don’t need their medication.
My biggest issue is that my mother constantly and ongoingly ‘talks up’ my sibling as a stable parent and person who can do no wrong. She also validates the siblings’ decisions and spends long periods of time on the phone to them about whatever the latest drama is. She buys my siblings’ children expensive gifts and does multiple pickup/drop offs, has her toddler a day a week etc. She continues to support my sibling financially and speaks loudly about how hard siblings’ life is.
My child is often treated as an optional extra and even ‘in the way’ by my mother and sibling. I consciously treat my ‘niblings’ with kindness and respect and separate my issues with their parent from my relationship with them. I have been the responsible adult for all the kids while on family holidays on multiple occasions when my parents have offered to take my siblings’ older children with us, but then can’t actually keep up with them or take them swimming/kayaking. Sibling pays nothing towards the cost of the holidays, while I am expected to pay my costs and that of my child.
My sibling has never invited my son to their house, and has decided that birthday and Christmas presents for my child are ‘too expensive’ while making it clear their children need expensive gifts as they are poor and do without.
My mother and sibling have now decided unilaterally that as I work from home I can be the responsible adult for her son a couple of afternoons a week after school, until my sibling decides to come and pick him up.
I am unable to move out in the immediate future and have decided to accept the informal childcare role as part of my inkind contribution to my parents. But my boundaries are that I will no longer buy presents for my siblings’ children and will not make an active effort to engage with my siblings’ drama. I also believe they are angling to get a larger share of any inheritance my parents may leave, on the basis of their ‘greater need’. I am trying to get arrangements in place so that the financial and in-kid contribution I am making to support my parents while they are alive are ‘ring fenced’.