Dating a widower

[blythet]

Just wondering if anyone has any experience or advice on this? I’ve only been on a few dates but from what I know he seems genuine and have a laugh & got quite a bit in common.

sadly is wife died, only just over a year ago. It seems quite recent to me but without being in that position it’s hard to know.

he said he went on one other date with someone 3 months ago but spent the whole time feeling guilty so didn’t see her again. He says he now feels ready but I’m not sure about getting involved at this stage?

Anyone been in a similar position?

I have. In my opinion, it varies. Largely dependent on how responsibly they've dealt with it. Some people are perfectly capable, for others you could be constantly being held up against an unrealistic, idolised, rose-tinted-glasses memory of a person who never actually existed.

Personally, I'd say give him a chance and see how he's dealt with it.

Was his wife unwell for some time before she passed or was it quite sudden?
I guess if the former he would have had longer to deal with it all emotionally.
A year does seem quite soon though, does he have any children?

I have and wouldn't do it again. It was incredibly stressful - being compared to his wife, having to support him when he wasn't sure whether he should be dating, making excuses for his unreasonable behaviour because he was grieving, finding out that he is as infact seeing other women .. blah blah blah. I could go on but won't. Essentially I realised that he wouldn't ever settle because he simply wanted her back. No matter what I did, it was never going to be enough.

Some years ago I met a widower. His wife had died suddenly 3 years earlier in a tragic accident. After she died he threw himself into his profession and did not date during that time. We went out for a year but did not sleep together. One evening he came out with this big speech, telling me that his dead wife was a good woman and she would want him to move on with his life. He told me that he had grown to love me during our time together and wanted to make a life together. He was in a very high powered job and had always seen his home and marriage as a kind of refuge.

The problem was that I didn't love him. I enjoyed his company and was fond of him but more in a friendly way than that of a life partner. So his proposal came as a shock. I told him I could not marry someone I was just friends with. Marriage is so much more than friendship. And I did not feel I could provide what he wanted. He tried to persuade me that love would grown between us in time. The fact that he tried to persuade me rather than accepting my decision made me see that it was best to break to off and let him find what he was looking for - a substitute life partner.

It was a pity because he was a kind and decent man and would probably make someone else a good husband.

Everyone deals with things differently, has different timescales, different processing.

Even of he thinks he is ready, dealing with the emotions of falling in love again may trigger things he didn't expect, or may not.

I don't think it is for others to judge how someone deals with the loss of a spouse and their timescale in carrying on with their life.

If it is feeling right for you, then go with it, if you have concerns at any point talk to each other about them.

If there are children involved, try to keep the relationship out of their orbit - but I think that is sensible anyway.

i started dating about 14 months after my late DH died (around a year after his cancer diagnosis, which was the rough timescale we'd been told to expect).
I was ready in some ways, and no where near ready in others!

Men seem to jump into a relationship with whoever will have them regardless if the wife has died or or just thrown them out. They cannot be in their own , dont take it seriously and just have fun. Men will do what is best for them only.

Not all men

After my wife and I split up I was perfectly happy living by myself - in my own skin.

By chance I met my current lovely partner about nine years later. We’re very happy sixteen years on but I would have been fine on my own. Neither of us were looking at the time.

Personally, I have found that some men and some women need to be in a relationship and
because of that can make bad choices.

Not all men but most .

I probably wouldn’t. I think the reasons pp have listed explains it well.

I remember going on a date with one guy who said his wife died “ages ago”. Then when I probed to find out exactly when, he said “last year”.

This was at the beginning of a year so even if his wife had died at say the start of the previous year it would only have been 12-14 months ago.

So, I found it unnerving that he flippantly said “ages ago”. He was also asking about my cooking skills.

The combination of these two things made me think he was just looking for a new wife like someone looks for a new appliance.

Men will do what is best for them only. @Whettlettuce

Yes!

I know a lot of women that are exactly the same it's not just men that do it it's one of the many reasons they'll stay with arsehole guys because they'd rather that than being alone

I’ve seen women like this in the sense they always need a partner and it’s grim, especially when they decide to have a child with each and every man and/or they have children from a previous marriage and let these new men move in and dictate their family’s life.

But when it comes to remarriage after being widowed it’s definitely men who move faster with this overall.

Statistically speaking far more women remain single after their husband has died.

Because those women are male centred. There are plenty of women who have experienced men who only want what benefits them and find out later on when the mask slips. Men can can keep a mask on for years and by then you're stuck until you can get ducks in a row which can in most cases take a prolonged period of time. Men are selfish and use women in every way and if they can't get it for free then they'll pay for it

I've been in a relationship with a widower for 8 years. The 'ready or not' question is one that only the widower themselves can answer - sometimes! I think sometimes people think they are ready, but once they've met someone and start a relationship they realise that they aren't. Which is painful for the other person.

My only 'advice' is to guard your heart, and be watchful for any signs that he isn't in the right place.

I personally don't see it as my role to be involved in any acts of remembrance (not that there are any in my case, but sometimes people can continue to have birthday celebrations, for example, for the deceased spouse). Grieving is not a couple activity!

Thanks everyone for all the advice. I agree that only he will know if he’s ready and it’s not for me to judge if it’s too soon but I guess I’m selfishly worrying that’ll be me that ends up getting hurt if this continues to develop.

To answer some of the questions:

1. his wife had cancer, had the diagnosis for a long time and was very ill for the last 12 months of her life
2. he does have dc 2 that are early teens. I would have zero intentions of meeting them or getting involved in that way very very long time. I have dc of my own and have been split from their dad for over 10 years. I’ve dated off & on over that period but they’ve only ever been aware of 1 man I had a relationship with but it lasted 3 years and they only met him after 10 months and that was at their request.

Having a low key ‘relationship’ without family being involved would suit me in many ways so I’m not looking to rush any of that

I agree that only he will know if he’s ready and it’s not for me to judge if it’s too soon but I guess I’m selfishly worrying that’ll be me that ends up getting hurt if this continues to develop.

Why is it selfish? See, this is where women need to be like men more. Consider yourself and do it unapologetically. It’s not selfish - it’s common sense to not want to fall deep in love with a man who turns out to be emotionally unavailable.

And no he may not know if he’s ready or not. Plenty of men (and women) claim they are ready but then it turns out clearly they are ready. And sometimes their children or those close to them could’ve told them that.

You need to not just take his word for it but look at the situation for yourself.

You will get a lot of harsh and judgy comments on here!
I meet a widower at a party of mutual friends. His wife had died 10 month nene (I had never met either of them).
We were attracted to each other, but wasn’t expecting anything from it as by all accounts they were devoted.
Two months later matter we met again and he asked me out. He explained that he hadn’t felt ready before. We very quickly became an item - now 18 months later very happy. He is open about his late wife, talk naturally about their life together, but does not wallow in grief or compare us, other than to say am very different to her. The last few years were very difficult as she had mental and physicsl illness and needed lots of care.
His adult son and her relatives initially took it very badly and were horrible to him, but he was calm and convinced they would come round. Mutual family friends of theirs (generous kind people who want him to be happy) counseled the son, who has indeed now come round and hugs me when we meet.
Better to be with a widower who has been in a happy marriage and has emotionsl
intelligence and knows how to make a relationship work, than a divorced man with baggage - who by definition hasn’t made a marriage work and a bitter ex-wife in the wings…

Thanks @ArcangelaTarabotti

that’s what I’m finding in terms of him being emotionally available and it seems he knows how to act in a relationship. I’ve dated a lot over the last 10 years and would swear by the motto “men that age are single for a reason”. In this situation it’s (sadly) not his fault that he’s found himself single

It seems you’re looking for validation or agreement that this is a man you should date.

Hopefully you’re listening to the other perspectives too like those shared by @MegJoBethandAmytoo for example.

To be clear I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t date him but just be aware and go in with your eyes wide open.

Yes I know a fair few horror stories similar to what pp have stated but also some positive endings for people who have dated widows (or widows dating after marriage) so it just depends

Sorry, if that’s how it sounds. I was trying to explain why I’m considering it. IME it’s unusual to find a man around my age that isn’t immature, a player or single because there’s a good reason it hasn’t worked with anyone else.

but on the other hand I’m reluctant to get any further into this due to the risk I might get hurt for all the reasons some PPs have raised.

its not that I’m looking for validation that it’s okay to date someone that’s been widowed so recently in terms of whether it’s morally the right thing to do. If it did work out between us, I wouldn’t be worried about the judgement I/we could get. It’s more the likelihood of him not being ready and me getting hurt that I’m worried about

I met DH when he had been widowed 4 years. The first year is was paranoid an insecure die to photos of his wife in the house. However we’re very happy 13 years on. Go for it.

@blythet do feel free to PM me.
Am just about to go out for a lovely evening with him - we’re having drinks with his son who has now realised I’m not the lazy trope of a ‘gold-digger’.

The more I have seen of life, men that have been in the happiest of marriages, seem to move on quickly, no judgment whatsoever. Life is short. Do what makes you happy. The teens might be tricky. Wishing you all the best, just remember you aren’t second best, if his wife was still here their marriage would continue, but she is not. You are a different person and the relationship will also be different. I hope it works out well for you both.