DD is 8. After years of extremely contentious family court proceedings, we ended up with a week-on/week-off arrangement.
During her weeks with her father, she is essentially completely cut off from me. He does not facilitate phone contact if DD has asked, has historically refused things like parties if they fall during his time, and I stopped asking a long time ago because it just created more conflict.
When DD is with me, it is completely different. She knows she can ring her dad whenever she wants, and if she genuinely wanted to see him during her week with me I would facilitate that. She recently had a birthday party and I specifically told her that we could invite her dad if she wanted him there, and that she never has to worry about managing the adults or choosing between us.
Her father is extremely high conflict. This summer he pushed for three consecutive weeks with DD, which went ahead, but DD has since been very clear that she does not want to do that again. He does not facilitate seeing me on Mother's Day either. He takes very little interest in the things DD actually enjoys doing day-to-day, although he will attend things like sports day and school performances.
The thing I am really struggling with now is the impact of the 7/7 arrangement on DD.
Since it started, she has consistently become extremely upset every Friday when it is time to go to her dad's. She cries, says she does not want to go and asks to stay with me. This morning was particularly awful. She was clinging onto me in the playground, sobbing and physically would not let go of me. It was heartbreaking.
Previously, when she saw her dad for shorter periods, or there was a break in the time where she came home in between, she generally enjoyed seeing him. It seems to be the full seven-day blocks that she is struggling with. She has repeatedly and consistently said she does not like being away from home for that long.
Her father also puts her into after-school childcare every day during his weeks and she is often one of the last children collected, which I think probably adds to the feeling that she is away from home for a very long stretch.
I am very conscious not to influence her. I stay positive and neutral about her dad, I encourage their relationship and I always try to find positives for her about going. I also know that realistically, once she is actually there, she probably settles and is okay. But the level of distress every single Friday is getting increasingly difficult to witness.
Legally I feel rather stuck. Family court only finished last year and there is a section 91(14) order in place until next summer, so I cannot simply keep going back to court asking for the arrangement to be changed.
There is also a background of domestic abuse and very high parental conflict from him, so unfortunately cooperative co-parenting is not really possible.
I suppose what I am asking is: how do I best support an 8-year-old who is consistently telling me she finds seven nights away from home too long, when I currently have very limited ability to change the arrangement?
Has anyone had a child struggle badly with 7/7 but settle once they are with the other parent? Did anything actually help with handover days?
I don't want to make her feel that going to her dad's is something terrible, but equally I don't want her to feel that I am dismissing her when she is clearly trying to tell me something.