I got such good advice on my earlier thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5291559-husband-has-stated-its-a-wifes-role-to-look-after-her-man that I’m hoping for some more words of wisdom.
My earlier thread detailed the issues in my marriage and my subsequent decision to ask for a divorce. Since then, my husband has spent about eight months veering between begging me for another chance, promising he’d changed/conceding that some of his behaviour was wrong, and dating or trying to date other people.
He had a short relationship which he ended after apparently realising he was still in love with me. He then spent about five weeks very tearful and asking us to try again, which I declined.
Later that same week he met someone else and, three weeks later, is saying she is his soulmate and that he is in love.
When I first found out about this relationship I panicked. All my old habits kicked in — maybe the marriage wasn’t that bad, maybe I didn’t try hard enough, maybe I was the problem rather than him. I didn’t say any of this to him and continued with the divorce.
Yesterday Instagram showed me a post he’d liked about soulmates and, stupidly, I rang him. I was hurt that four weeks after calling me his soulmate he apparently now felt the same way about somebody else, and I suppose I wanted him to acknowledge that it might sting after such a long marriage. Rationally I know he is free to feel, like and say whatever he wants. Emotionally, I mistakenly thought he would still care enough not to want to hurt me.
I was wrong.
I got an eight-minute rant about the abuse I had subjected him to. I was told I had gaslit and emotionally abused him for years and that I was responsible for the gulf between him and our children. He finished by telling me he was now in love with somebody else.
I know the marriage had to end. There were damaging patterns and behaviours throughout it that, until fairly recently, I either hadn’t recognised or didn’t want to acknowledge. But his recent declarations about working on himself, changing and recognising some of his own faults had seemed heartfelt. I genuinely thought that, although our marriage was over, we might eventually be able to move forward reasonably amicably.
Instead, the story now seems to have completely changed and I again the villain while he is the victim.
He has a longstanding pattern of doing something similar when friendships end or people distance themselves from him. He struggles to see what he might have contributed and it tends to become entirely the other person’s fault — often accompanied by comments about everything he’s done for them and how much he’s helped them in the past. I suppose I never really believed he would eventually do the same thing with me.
I’m not claiming to have been a perfect wife. I withdrew during the later years of our marriage and there were times when I didn’t support him as well as I should have. I didn’t fully recognise that until recently. I’ve apologised for it and I’m genuinely looking at that part of myself because I don’t want to repeat those patterns in future relationships.
But the level of vitriol yesterday shocked me. It felt as though every complaint I had ever made about his behaviour had simply been turned around and applied to me, and he appeared completely convinced by it.
People have suggested over the years that he has narcissistic traits, including one of our adult children. I’ve always resisted that interpretation, but I am beginning to recognise certain longstanding characteristics that have made the relationship very difficult: an enormous need for external validation, difficulty accepting responsibility or tolerating criticism, a very bad temper, emotional volatility, his tendency to deflect/defend or lie when challenged and a strong need to see himself — and be seen by others — as a good person.
He also has plenty of good qualities. He can be supportive and charming, is financially generous, loves our animals and has a large circle of friends. That’s probably partly why I’ve spent so long questioning my own perception of things.
This morning brought home how much of this dynamic I am still carrying.
When he moved out he took my old car. I’ve now bought another one, so today I cancelled the insurance policy on the old car and had to message him to tell him he needs to arrange his own insurance.
Before sending a completely ordinary message, I had to brace myself because I knew he will become frustrated — sorting insurance is something I’ve always done for him — and might decide I was being difficult or petty.
I’ve sent it, and now I’m sitting here feeling anxious about how he’ll react, what he’ll think of me and whether he’ll withdraw or become angry with me.
And I can see how ridiculous that is. We’re divorcing. He’s a grown man. Arranging his own car insurance is entirely normal.
But apparently knowing that intellectually and actually feeling it are two different things.
I still find myself trying to keep the peace. I help him with forms when he says he can’t do them. I try to facilitate his relationship with the children. I worry about upsetting him. I explain myself. I try to make the separation easier for him.
I know some people reading this will probably be thinking, “For God’s sake woman, grow a backbone and stop worrying about him.” A few months ago I thought I had. This has shaken me more than I expected.
So for anyone who has been through something similar: how did you navigate this stage?
How do you stop managing an ex-partner’s feelings and reactions after doing it for years? How do you distinguish being reasonable and amicable for the sake of the children from continuing to look after someone who is no longer your responsibility?
And perhaps most importantly, how do you get comfortable with the fact that your ex may ultimately have a version of your marriage — and of you — that you believe is completely wrong, without constantly feeling the need to defend yourself?
Any guidance would be very gratefully received.