Is my boyfriend's recent phone behaviour cause for concern?

[Magellancloud]

Is this suspicious or odd phone behaviour?

Boyfriend of almost 2 years, until around 6 weeks ago he would always send me a Good Morning message on Whatsapp quite early in the morning. He gets up usually no later than 6 am for work for a 7.30 start. Sometimes he is up well before that, but would always message me, I told him I don't mind as it won't wake me. That has all stopped now, but he is online pretty much from the minute he wakes until he leaves for work.

The change in texting and contact generally has coincided with me finding out he was looking for his ex online.... again. That might sound harmless, innocuous, but when we first started dating two years ago, he had really bad mentionitis about her. He mentioned her every chance he got, even telling me personal stuff about them sharing a bath together. I got really pissed off about it fairly quickly, we had a huge argument about her, well I got angry and he denied it, told lies about doing the searches, various other "small" lies, but I wanted to give him a chance. He eventually admitted he was looking for her online but only because he wanted to know what she was up to now.

The other thing that really bothered me was he was looking for her address on Google Maps and the main street where they used to go for meals together. It's a very small town. And following Instagram accounts of women online who look like her. She has very thick, long curly red hair almost down to her knees. When I spoke with him about it he said he didn't remember some of what he has been doing online and denied still wanting her.

She ended it in 2022 and he says this is the last contact he has had with her. She was living in England but I know she moved back to Ireland in 2023 and it had nothing to do with their relationship ending, it was quite short apparently, a year if that. He said "She was a really lovely woman but she needed someone to look after her". Apparently she had an autoimmune disease and didn't want to move to be with him..... or that is his story.

I noticed a message from someone, just a number, no name, in his texts, there was "Hello how is life..?" and some kisses at the end. He has all his family and friends saved as Contacts usually. He quickly moved the screen out of my line of vision as he noticed I'd seen it. I bided my time, but he has become very possessive with his phone, even taking it upstairs with him now if I am at his house and he needs to shower. I asked him why he now felt it necessary to have his phone joined to his hip and he said he didn't want to miss anything "important". I also noticed that while I was downstairs and he was supposed to be showering that he was on Whatsapp.

Last night we spoke briefly, he was going to pick up his son from work as his car was in the garage. He said I'll call you when I get in. He didn't. I didn't call in case he was asleep but then when I got up this morning, I saw him online on Whatsapp at 5 am, 5.30, 5.45, 6 am, 6.45 am and then even for a while at 7.30 am, right when he is starting work and his boss would see him on the phone. He ignored my text from last night at 7 pm sending him some information he wanted and didn't read it until just now. Now he has said Good Morning to me and will he see me later and I want to tell him to piss off.

Then I feel as if I'm being the crazy girlfriend but I know you should always trust your gut.

For you to be so highly vigilant on all his actions tells me you do not feel emotionally secure within this relationship. And this must be exhausting to be checking on him all the time.

Its clear that you are not feeling like he is investing time or effort into you when he does not follow up on the things he tells you he will do, like call you and text etc. And his behaviour has changed with the texts too in the mornings, and if you have history of someone being shady with you then this will ofcourse rattle your cage.

I gather you do not live together?

I would just ask him outright and then slow things down on this man.

Well he has history for lying to you OP. So that means he is not trustworthy.
It sounds as though his ex has been an issue between you since the beginning of your relationship. And yes the change in his behaviour with his phone does sound suspicious.
Honestly OP I really don't see the point in your relationship as you obviously don't trust him and if there is no trust in the relationship then how can it bring you happiness?

Whenever I've raised my doubts with him, he just says Nooooooooooooooo, I'm LOYAL, insists he is only with me and not interested in anyone else.

But his energy is elsewhere. If he sees someone when we are out together that even slightly resembles her, he goes into a bloody trance. I've told him he looks mesmerised and he says he doesn't even know he's doing it.

My ego has taken a huge hit. All my friends tell me I'm really attractive and too good for him. Not that that matters. I need to remove myself from this love triangle that I have inadvertently found myself in.

He thinks he has you in the bag, and that you'll still be there if he is less attentive. I'd say the best way to get his attention is to give him none. Don't reply to messages. Don't be available to see him. Go out with some friends this weekend.

If he has a son who is old enough to work, this is no spring chicken of a man, and at our age we do not need men who are flaky.

The way I feel today, I've had enough. When you stop being able to trust someone, when they give you reason or reasons not to trust them anymore, then it's over if you can't get clarity. He'll never be honest and just keep hiding it from me.

Gawd I have more and better things to do with my precious life than wonder whether an idiot wants me or wants someone else more. He probably did the same to her!

“on Whatsapp at 5 am, 5.30, 5.45, 6 am, 6.45 am and then even for a while at 7.30 am”.
The fact that you know this alone is enough to pack this up. You could just dump him, just a suggestion. I’d be exhausted.

Thanks for validating me.

I question myself such a lot because he always brushes it off. But like who the hell is he talking to so early? It was ME at one point.....

Exactly. My first H was always lusting after other women. The ONLY time he paid attention, was when I bought another house and said I was leaving. On his knees begging then he was. Erm no, enough is enough. 8 weeks later I met my now lovely DH. Sometimes you have to close one door to allow another to open. You don't need this rapunzel chasing fuckwit. You want a guy who thinks you are THE ONE. We all deserve that.

"You don't need this rapunzel chasing fuckwit."

😂😂👏

Who has hair down to their knees, unless they are under 10 years old? Ridiculous.

Just so you all know what I was dealing with, this is the kind of stuff he prefers to real women. Well, not to the ex, who was a real Rapunzel. Read it and laugh... or something...

www.facebook.com/rapunzelsfortress

Ah OP, why are you wasting time with this loser?
He's dishonest.
Dump him.

It does sound like he’s a bit overly interested in his ex still, but there may be nothing in it, what is more concerning is that there appears to be a lack of trust in your relationship already so any small changes in his behaviour or habits are going to have you wondering what is going on, you may or may not have good reason to be suspicious but either way this isn’t going to do your mental health any favours.

“His energy is elsewhere” - this is the thing, isn’t it? Whether he’s up to anything serious or not, this just doesn’t feel good. And I think you’re right that his energy is with this ex, based on the messages.

You haven’t even been together two years and his energy is elsewhere. I don’t think it’s good enough and you should move on from him.

Not innocuous behaviour at all to be looking up his ex online. A very bad sign. You’d be better throwing this fish back, he is not appreciating you if he’s obsessing about his ex. (And he is). Save yourself for someone who is focused on you.