How can I start healing after a neglectful and abusive childhood? (19yo daughter)

[OneKindOrca]

Hi everyone,

I’m the 19 year old daughter of two parents who I now realise were quite neglectful and whose episodes of domestic abuse massively impacted me. What I’m looking for is some direction and guidance in terms of accessing support or starting my healing journey.

So, I only realised when I started at uni and went to my counsellor for sleep and anxiety that many of my issues were rooted in childhood. I was massively neglected, both with my basic care needs and my emotional needs. I started secondary school a week late, I didn’t have the right uniform, I didn’t have the right uniform or personal hygiene products. Vividly remember using tissues as period pads and I still slip into this habit (no clue why! I can afford pads now.) Frequently went without proper meals and my parents never cooked food. I didn’t have a bed. I just went without lots of my basic needs now that I look back at it.

There was also things like making fun of me for crying, not listening to me when I had an issue, my parents very openly telling me that us kids were just too expensive.

And then an episode where my mum smashed my phone because she saw a message from a boy. This was coupled by lots of screaming matches and smashing plates and knife threatening etc. Dad nice enough but quite placid.

The overall effect was that I wasn’t loved and was not important. I definitely experienced a change in my personality from primary to secondary. I became extremely withdrawn, depressed for ‘no reason’, jumpy, scared of life.

So that all happened while I was living at home. I enjoy a new lease of life at uni (I am very fortunate that I got into a fantastic university with lots of financial support). I have brilliant friends and so many opportunities to express myself.

But I’m still a bit of a wreck. I struggle with basic life skills and emotional regulation. Things like cooking, doing a food shop, laundry just kill me. I am so bad at taking care of myself that I end up feeling so overwhelmed and stressed even though my daily load is the same as my friends. I get really upset when comparing my home life experience with friends. I also just feel so unsafe in my body sometimes and this stops me from experiencing life pleasantly and more importantly from getting the most out of my studies.

I would love to hear stories of any of you who have healed after a horrible childhood, or any tips for healing.

Thank you so much!

I just wanted to say that you should be bloody proud of yourself. It must be really hard coming to realise how much you were neglected and very painful. You must have a lot of strength of character and some amazing resources inside you to be where you are today. Don’t worry too much about laundry cooking et cetera et cetera of course it feels difficult because you didn’t learn it gradually in the way you would’ve hoped. Overtime it will come easier to so don’t worry.
My life was a bit different, but I absolutely as an adult have had to come to terms with just how bad some of my earlier experiences were. At the time I just sort of went with it and maybe also dissociated a bit? Now I sometimes get triggered as it were but probably because I’m in a safer place so my brain has decided to do some processing! Bit inconvenient. But I am a very resilient person and when I left in my own devices, I do well. It sounds like you the same. :-) wishing you an absolutely beautiful life that you deserve.

This sounds like complex trauma. EMDR can be excellent for addressing this. It’s tough going, but can have a radical impact in a short time. I would highly recommend it.

You sound very resilient, which is common in people who have grown up not having their basic needs met and having to look after themselves, but you deserved care and support you never received and that has an impact.

I’m so sorry they haven't been remotely good enough parents but I’m also hopeful for you as you’ve come to this realisation at the age you are. Sorry I don’t have any practical advice but you seem to be at the start of a better path. I wish you well.

I also agree with the comments here about not putting too much pressure on yourself over the life admin and daily tasks that were never modelled to you and so naturally feel overwhelming.

You don’t have to do these things to anyone else’s standards. Figure out the minimum you need to do to cover your basic needs but are still within your window of tolerance. If you have to eat the same basic things every day, so be it. If you can only handle doing several small shops a week rather than one big one, that’s fine too. Just do what you can handle that feels comfortable. I agree that over time you will get better at all of this. You are still very young and many people your age are not great at this stuff.

Counselling is a great start. EMDR could be really useful to you - see if you can get a referral from your counsellor/gp

Well done Op for going to uni and having some good friends, this is a massive achievement and shows your strength.

Try to notice when you're becoming overwhelmed and have a rest - this is essential so you don't become burnt out, treat it as an important part of your day.

Your body, I expect, is in an inner state of constant survival mode and hyper-vigilence. Small things can trigger big emotional reactions which you may feel unable to process easily. There's plenty of online therapy advice and meditations which may help.
My Dd21 is at uni and lives off frozen stuff, hash browns and breaded fish. She doesn't feel able, through tiredness or being overwhelmed to cook a meal from stratch and that's ok as long as she eats regularly.
Laundry can be done once a week, you could set a day and time each week for when it's done?
A big part of the therapy I've been told is to focus on reparenting yourself. You can now be the loving mum to your frightened inner child and who puts you and your needs first.
Throughout the day give yourself compliments and love with forgiveness if you didn't do something you meant to do or got something wrong. Hug yourself, tell yourself how proud you are of yourself and that you've always got your support.
Slowly it will sink in and your body and mind will start to feel calmer, safe and loved.
If you can afford it, look for therapists who specialise in childhood trauma.
All the very best and as my Dd21 says 'you've got this!'

Well done for getting yourself to where you are today. That is a massive achievement. Congratulations.

EMDR is fantastic. Definitely look into it.

It is your time to shine.

Sorry to hear of this but give yourself credit for recognising it in early adulthood. It's taken me more than 30 years and my life would have been very different if I had.

If you can do so, find a psychodynamic psychotherapist with experience in this field and ideally one who offers EMDR. Be prepared for it to open up a lot of difficult emotions and pain to begin with, but it will get better.

In the meantime, take a look at Gabor Maté on Instagram and Bessel Van De Kolk's work.

And treat yourself with great kindness. The BBC's music and meditation podcasts on BBC Sounds are very good for calming the nervous system - especially the ones with Kate Silverton and Owen Kane.

I’m sorry you experienced this op, shit parents just have so much to answer for. But my god, you have spotted this and are seeking help, that’s amazing. I wish my partner, who went through similar, had felt able and willing to try and deal with his demons sooner. He’s getting there now, through a referral from his GP to a psychiatrist who has been helping him so much. He has horrendous Complex PTSD which she has really helped with. He is also on medication which is making a difference too. He also does a lot of reading around the subject, researches help, etc. Counselling, CBT etc could help too and I am sure your Uni has good resources and help, they usually do these days. Hugs.

hey. I was you, some years ago.
I still am at 32.

my parents were both 💩, one more than the other, but regardless.

you are such a strong woman even if at times it doesn't feel like it. be proud of yourself, take it one day at a time. I know the effect it has on your brain over the years can feel worse than at the begining , but I also know you've got this. I struggled and still so with most of the things you wrote, basic tasks are the death of me in some days, becoming a mum made all my ADHD ( self diagnosed ) x1000 times worse.
You just got to keep swimming. Keep pushing. learn to set boundaries even with yourself. I'm sure you've got this girl X

as for your progenitors.... I hope you manage to kick them out of your life. they don't deserve you and it will only make it worse. I forgave my " dad " so many times only to be completely abandoned by him years later. still cried about it even tho he was an abuser. throughout my whole life. Like I said, NOT worth it. chin up, you got this x

For basic life skills there's a brilliant YouTube channel called "mom how do I?" - its an American lady who talks through things like doing laundry, cleaning, basic cooking etc

You should be sooooo proud of yourself though 🩷🩷