Should I move back south with baby or stay near DP?

[ShySlipper]

I need some outside perspective because genuinely don’t know what the sensible thing is anymore.

DP and I have a 3 month old baby, been together 7 years. I moved to the Midlands in March to live with him because he started studying here last Sept, which was always the plan prior to pregnancy. My family are all in the South West, so I effectively left my support network to build a life here with him.

I’ve since found out that in December, 3 months BEFORE I moved here, while I was 4 months pregnant, he was on Tinder talking to other women, making sexual comments and talking about taking them on dates. He says he was lonely/depressed.

Since the baby was born I’ve done the vast majority of the care. He sleeps separately and doesn’t do nights. I’ve had a difficult postnatal period and increasingly feel like I’ve basically been parenting alone.

A few weeks ago he told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore and wanted to split up. He then became unsure and said he doesn’t know whether it’s the newborn period/stress or whether the relationship is actually over. At the moment we’re basically housemates/friends and he doesn’t want affection.

So now I’m stuck.
I have very little support here. My family are all down south and I’m seriously considering moving there with the baby.

DP is studying here until sometime next year. The idea would potentially be that I move south now, he finishes his course here and then possibly moves down afterwards so he can still be an involved dad.
I feel horribly guilty about taking our baby several hours away from his dad. I absolutely want them to have a close relationship. But at the same time I’m questioning why I should stay isolated in a place I only moved to for him, when the relationship may be over and I’m doing most of the parenting anyway.

There’s also a part of me wondering whether I’m making huge decisions when we’re only three months into having a baby and everything is at its hardest.

If this were you, would you stay put for a while, or move back towards your family and start building a life there?

And if anyone separated with a very young baby and moved away from the other parent, I’d really like to hear how it worked in practice.

I would leave, if he was an involved parent then it would be different. If you're doing all of it now it's better to go and get support from your family.

From what you've said, there isn't a relationship to salvage. He's said he doesn't love you, and he's not supporting you with a new baby. The man is an arse, you deserve better.
Move now. He's unlikely to object seeing as he isn't much involved with parenting anyway, but in case of argument further down the line, you don't want the status quo to be established in an area where you don't want to live and where you don't have friends and family around.

Well for me the relationship is over, regardless of the baby situation. That's separate. He doesn't want affection, he's said he doesn't want to be together, nothing about his behaviour suggests he's remorseful or trying to make amends or be a good dad or partner. So the relationship is done.
That leaves your next move. Will he be a pain in the ass about you moving the baby away? If not, I'd move. If he is, I'd probably still move but be ready for a long potentially expensive fight.

Move. Move now.

I think you should move to where you have family support.
And I don't think you should feel guilty. He is the one who has opted out of the relationship with you, and it doesn't sound as though he is an involved parent to his child.

Move. Thats it

Move now while you can.

I would move back - you need the family support and friends around you in the postpartum period, new mothers who feel isolated are more at risk of developing PND. He is obviously not committed and doesn't do much parenting so go to where you will have more help and support. You're not stopping him having a relationship with his child - he'll just have to get off his arse and make some effort to maintain a relationship. My bet is that he's unlikely to bother very much!

How is it even a debate? Leave!!!!

I’d be heading back home before the next nappy change.

So sorry, OP, it’s hard and he has been deeply dishonest, and a Let down in every way.

Go back to your actual support. If he wants to be a loving and attentive Dad he can visit.

Oh OP I just want to give you a massive hug.

Our stories are so similar but I am 55 now.

No wonder you were post partum with all that, and yes I would uproot and take yourself and the little one to be with your family, he has disrespected you beyond repair in my honest opinion. You cannot live emotionally healthily while this pressure is hanging over you.

If you can, gather your things and move, you will feel so much more yourself and this will only impact you positively as it must be exhausting holding it together with him not doing much.

Him telling you he does not love you is him having had his head turned, then dangling himself as an option to you as he knows how you feel about him, and he only feels guilty for having you move to be with him when he knows he is not investing in you the way you deserve. And for you to have that emotional pull back and forth will ruin you eventually. So if you have the ability to move, then move, it will be the kindest thing for all of you, yet the hardest to begin with. But as things are now it will only place resentment and chaos, and that is no way to live.

Definitely move.