Saw a WA message

[isitevereasy]

Please give me some opinions!
back story been with partner 4 years (me F him
M both late 30’s )- 3 of them he has been going through a divorce. It’s dragged on due to the financial order. No assets or children involved.
for all those years he has told me he has no contact with the ex - no social media etc he has her WA due to messages re divorce.
over the years he has spoken openly about the marriage, why it went wrong etc. he’s not unkind but has made it clear he doesn’t have to have anything to do with her. She betrayed him emotionally and financially.
today he showed me the message he sent her re the FA. I saw there was a meme she sent him last year and he replied.
i immediately said… what’s that - his face went angry. He showed me the message, it’s nothing untoward and she sent it to him, but it’s the fact he engaged in the message - looked at the reel and made a comment back.
I feel sick… its not the message per se , its more the fact for 4 years I’ve believed they do not correspond at all, other then to deal with the divorce.
so now im thinking what more have I not understood correctly?
we had a massive row. He was very unpleasant, has said I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I’ve asked what made you reply? He doesn’t know…
he’s now cross with me as he says he thinks I don’t trust him. ( he has never given me reason to not trust him)
he also said if we hadn’t had this conversation he would probably reply to her again as he doesn’t think he did any wrong, but now he knows it upsets me he wouldn’t - which feels like a cop out.

1 meme in 4 years and you're kicking off?

I mean if I had an otherwise straightforward divorce that my ex was dragging me through the mud about to make life unnecessarily difficult and they sent me a funny meme, I’d probably respond politely as well just to keep them happy and everything ticking along.

Realistically, if he started his divorce a year after he met you (were you the cause of the divorce?), neither of them seem in any hurry to divorce and are creating a lot of drama. An overlapping relationship and a divorce dragging on is a bigger issue. Surely, if they wanted to get back together by now, they’ve had ample opportunities.

I think the meme is nothing, but the situation sounds unnecessarily complicated.

His reaction seems disproportionate to the infraction, which would ring alarm bells with me.

You are massively overreacting.

Are you 12? I don’t mean to come across rude but unless there is something more than a meme that got replied to i’d give your head a wobble.

Overreacting.
It doesn’t sound like anything untoward and you’ll need to accept they have a shared history.. bad bits and good bits.

If my divorce had dragged on for 4 years I wouldn’t want a meme. I’d want it finished. I wouldn’t reply.

Thank you for all that replied.. after sleeping on it on my head goes from I’m over reacting to why do I have a feeling this doesn’t feel right?
I was not the reason they split , that happened 2 years before we met.
I thinks it because I know if she had chosen to stay with him, he wouldn’t would’ve chosen me… she was his ‘one’ and I get we all have a past etc… but 4 years divorcing …. And no rush about it. I am going to take time out of this relationship- maybe this small innocent action has brought up feelings I’ve squashed down.

I have to say I was wondering what's taking so long with the divorce if there are no assets or children involved.

I suspect that as ever, the argument isn't about what the arguments about. You're not really upset over her sending him a meme, you're upset because you think he's still emotionally enmeshed and you may be right if he's still married to her after four years.

@ThatCyanCat you are correct- I also found out they still have a joint bank account together. Which is active on her side. I knew about the account but not that she has ran up a £3,000 overdraft - which he is liable for.
I questioned why he didn’t remove himself from the account years ago… his reply - he didn’t want to cause her trouble, or make her make the divorce messy…
he really doesn’t see why I feel uneasy that he was / is a married man - legally separated but married non the less.

Well that's a mess.

He's been married the entire time you've known him (and it looks like he didn't even start the divorce proceedings until a year into your relationship???), he's not been honest about his level of contact, he's in a financial mess with her and this divorce clearly isn't actually happening. If he wanted to be free that badly he'd take the hit on the overdraft to make it happen; nobody wants to lose £3000 or however much he would owe but it's a small price to be free of a dead relationship and able to move on in love and life (and finances), and as long as they're still tied by this account she could keep on running up the overdraft so it would prevent things getting still worse in that regard.

Sorry OP, it doesn't sound as though he's cheating per se but one way or another he's just not available; not legally, not romantically, not financially. Thank God you aren't married to him so you can make your escape with minimal fuss.