this may be quite long but i am hoping that someone will stay with me and even better be able to help me.
10 years ago i met someone via a dating app yes i know who we seemed to have a lot in common, long story short we got together, at the time i was very unhappy where i lived so looking back jumped in a bit, we got a flat then moved in together. at first things were quite good the physical side was touch and go as he said that he could not do anything much due to diabetes so the question of someone else came up.
at first it was not too bad i sort of went along with it but then it got out of hand. R my ex also started to get violent on one occasion he smashed heavy ornaments on my head, another i had plates smashed across my legs, and lots more.
he has never taken health seriously i must say. a few months ago we had to move from the house we had moved into about 8 years ago due to landlord selling. there had been so much awful behaviour i had tried to leave several times but i have previously been in refuges could not face again plus i have a dog which i could not take with me and these days the benefits system is so difficult to navigate that i had to stop but the dr where i lived then was marvellous and has proof of everything.
anyway we were offered a bungalow about 15 miles from where we lived its in a cul de sac about a mile from the town. 6 weeks after my ex moved us in he collapsed with a stroke. rushing to hospital he was told it was because he had not taken his tablets for years. i was prepared to look after him etc then 3 days after the stroke i went to kiss his cheek to say goodbye and he sexually assaulted me in the ward. i went home and sobbed my heart out knew if he could manage that so soon after what the hell would he be like say if he came home?
that was when i called it a day. long story short the housing association were so good the support worker from there is helping with money security etc the police did a video interview i have security etc his family have given me grief and mine have turned their back on me including my kids for having another bad relationship and in their words they did not see why i had abandoned a poor sick old man despite me telling them about the abuse rape etc
i have decided to stay in the bungalow but i rarely see anyone. they are all older than me i am 62 i do not drive i have ptsd bpd depression anxiety plus physical conditions that make it hard to get around
the dr is about a mile away and i have trouble getting there i did join community transport but they require about a weeks notice and they are quite a lot to find all the time i am not constantly wishing to go out but it would be nice to go to things like that which i need to do
my support worker says she will see about a home help but that is not something that is quick. when i get so lonely i get so panicky i thought earlier i was having a break down again of which i have many i often think if not for my dog i would finish things
i do belong to a few forums etc but its not the same weekends kill me i am dreading the weekend coming so soon again if only someone could come and chat to me have a coffee even a text to say how are you i did join things like age uk for telephone befriending but there is a long waiting list for it
i am also feeling despite all the rape etc quite aroused i am beating myself up as earlier i gave in to a neighbour he is a creep and i am worried i have spoilt myself things round here but he is married so i am thinking he will keep quiet i am hating myself so much but i so wanted to be wanted and cuddled i did order a vibrator earlier thinking that might help but now i feel dirty about it all
i am so so lonely sitting here alone keeps making me thinking of my mental health i am friendly i have a clean tidy home which i am improving when i have money my support worker has suggested a tv which i was never allowed so it might take my mind off but i watch films on you tube anyway
i am scared of being ill i do not really want a relationship maybe never with a man but i do wonder if i will end up with a woman as i am bi but i want friends i wont jump on them! but a lady with benefits maybe but not yet
can anyone help? i have a lovely friendly doggy a good home but the loneliness is so painful and i am worried my mental health will tip me over again i just want friends and people who would care about me either online visiting etc maybe someone who would help me with lifts when i am desperate