How to respond to behaviour of my family member

[ThatWildHedgehog]

Im having trouble processing this in my own head so sorry if this doesn't make alot of sense, its really upsetting me.

Basically I haven't heard from my brother for months, he is 3 years older than me, hes moved across the water (england) & lived there the last few years. whereas im in n'ireland. He has no children, no mortgage, no real commitments, turning 40 next year. He has came back home for visits every few months, i would make contact via text or via Instagram & suggest going to the cinema or dinner to catch up or even bowling together with my children for a chance to do something altogether. The last 2 times that he has been back home, he hasn't bothered to contact me or my 2 young children to see us, the last time I did see him it was at xmas time & he only contacted me the day before he was due to go home to arrange to come and see me/my family. Since then, I have taken a step back as I feel alot of effort has became one sided, and I feel like im just slotted into his life when he has "time" or nowhere else better to go to. I feel like he hasn't any interest in my life or in me as a person. Although what i dont understand is that when he is in contact with my mum (they talk on the phone frequently) he will ask after me, and ask how my 2 kids are doing. Its like he cant be arsed asking me himself, and she just happily tells him how i am and volunteers the information to him. He is so unbelievably selfish!! I feel so hurt by him, & i want to send this to him and tell him but in a way im scared of what the response will be. 😢

Just to add, my mum is fully aware of how I feel, so this just adds to my frustration.

I know he isn’t the brother you want, but unfortunately you can’t force a relationship.

where does he stay when he is home, who is he home to see? Do you not spend Christmas with your mum?

maybe try testing this once

John, I am sad that our relationship has become distant and I would to see you more often and for you to be a bigger part of my life. I would also love my kids to get to know you. How about we start slow, a drink next time you ar whine, just you be me. Then I know the kids would love it you came for Boxing Day , you and mum for dinner? I love you and I miss you.

What do you want the end result of a message to be? If you want him to know you’re hurting then send him that message but if you want to build the relationship then I would say you and the kids would like to have a closer relationship with him and you miss him. Tell him what you would like to happen.

How did you get on with each other as children?.

I would not bother with him going forward because he is clearly not interested. Your mum is basically acting as a go between you and he but she should be a bit more forceful with him.

It’s not your fault he is like this and you did not make him that way. You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

You must be very close to your brother. Mine lives a long way from me and we've only really met up at family funerals for the last 20 odd years. I don't know too many people who would expect a visit from their brother to be honest. I think it's a bit different if you both have kids the same age and the cousins want to see each other. But if (as your post suggests) he's a single bloke living the life of a single bloke, then I don't think it's weird that he doesn't want to go bowling with your kids. You sound a bit intense about it all.

I feel like he hasn't any interest in my life or in me as a person.

I think you're right about this. If he was interested or liked you enough, he would want to see you and spend time with you. I think you just have to come to terms with this being the most likely reason he doesn't get in touch.

As an English woman married to a NI fella, who went to England with a bunch of other guys in the late 80's, this behaviour in our circle is pretty common

DH would ring his mum every week without fail - not his brothers or sisters - just mum, catch up on all the news

We are now living in NI , and still have NI friends living in England, who come over two or three times a year, to see mum, and that's it. His life long friend, from NI, living in England, has never once visited us here , yet we always call at his when we go over

The only childhood friend he sees still here at our home is one who is now based in Scotland

He only sees one brother regularly , and that's only cos his son lives near us and we have the space to put them up where the son doesnt , previously we would see each other maybe once a year , swap christmas cards One sister we have seen once in the 20 years here

I dont have the answer. All I can offer is life in England is a lot different then here and that when they come "home' its for a day or three and they have to fit in friends and family and some down time

I remember when we were living in London and DH would come home to visit family, he would be wreck for a week. Three days trying to fit everyone in

Message him - DB, let me know when you're home next as we keep missing each other. -See how he responds and take if from there.

If he's still keeping his distance, you can question further. He's obviously got his reasons.

Maybe he asks after you as an easy way of making conversation with your DM?