Should I stay or should I go?

[LBWW]

I’ll start by saying. I probably do have some form of burn out and/or depression. And I am going to speak with a therapist for that perspective on things.

I’m 7 months post partum and really struggling with the fact that I’m just not happy in my relationship. I don’t think either of us are to be honest. And I genuinely think we would be better apart. But, we have children. And I just don’t think my partner would cope with them on his own (one of the big issues is that we are not on the same page and I feel like I have an adult child who has also turned in to a grumpy old man before his time who avoids parenting or helping if he doesn’t immediately get his own way/children/me do exactly as he wants when he wants. It’s tedious, frustrating and quite frankly, boring). He’d rope in his mum to help, and she’s quite frankly, not capable. I’d constantly be on high alert if they were with him, even more so than I am now. Then there’s the fact that neither of us could afford a place of our own in this part of the country. Which means we are stuck.

I guess I have two questions really:

1. did you seperate when your kids were young? How did you manage financially and with work?
2. did you stay together when the kids were young. Did you pull through and enjoy each other again?

I suppose I have a bit of an idealistic view of what our life ‘could be’ and I do find myself hoping for that. But then 6 days out of 7 I literally can’t bear to be around him. I literally dread going home.

I probably sound mean earlier in the post. He does help out to an extent around the house.

If you think you would be better off apart you are more likely than not to be correct. You’re unhappy most of the time when he is around and besides which decent and hard working dads do not just merely help out.

Given his current behaviour he is more likely to continue just as he is rather than to be at all bothered about seeing his kids going forward. However he does remain financially responsible for them so I would pursue a Cms claim.

Staying for the sake of the children is a bad move on your part and would furthermore teach them damaging lessons about relationships. Do not do that to them or yourself for that matter.

I had postnatal depression and severe burnout. Two cesereans and difficult recovery each time.

No family support.

Both babies terrible sleepers.

Husband worked long hours / antisocial shift patterns.

we were both on our knees with exhaustion and took it out on each other.

We hated each other.

If we could have afforded it, we would have split.

But we absolutely could not have afforded it. We were only just scraping by as it was, we couldn’t have afforded two properties.

So we stayed together and we did hate each other for quite a few years.

Raising non sleeping children with complex needs, with no other family support is gut wrenching hard. Our marriage absolutely was the bottom of our list of priorities.

We stayed together because we had to. And we are in a much better place now. He is a good dad and now that everybody is sleeping again things seem so much better.

Raising kids is so hard and it’s generally even harder as a single parent. I am very glad we have our family unit.

I often think that the fact we didn’t have the money to separate was a blessing in disguise.

This is just my story. And it’s based on the fact that my husband is a good man and a good dad and luckily we were able to get back to how we were and make it work. Obviously not everybody is so lucky, and in those situations obviously it is often better to split.

Thank you. It’s ‘nice’ (can’t think of a better word!) to see that someone has been in a similar situation.
do you have any suggestions of things to implement that helped make things better? (Going out for a date night is a no go as we don’t have a sitter/family).
I think a big part of me does want to try make things better, but in all honesty, a big part of me also wants an easy life and being apart feels easier at this time.

@LBWWSorry, just saw your reply.

how old are you, how long have you been together, how old are your other kids?

How did you feel before having kids?

I guess it’s either a bad patch because you are exhausted with young kids, or you are unhappy and would split regardless.

With us, it was circumstantial. We had no family support and no money. Both working long hours. If we had money, we could have afforded to split. BUT, by the same token, if we had money, my husband wouldn’t have needed to work two jobs, we could have hired babysitters and had time
together, I could have afforded to go to gym
and hairdresser and felt attractive.

As it was, I felt very unattractive and felt very resentful of DH as I was working and doing all the childcare / 90% of the housework. He felt my resentment was unwarranted as he was working two jobs.

It was just a difficult situation.

To be blunt, the catalyst for change was a local woman making a pass at my husband. She was married, unhappily, and had a thing for my husband. I laughed it off at first (she wasn’t attractive and I genuinely felt she was no threat) until I found messages between them and realised that my husband was very much attracted to her - purely because she was giving him the attention he craved.

Nothing ever happened between them, but the messages were enough and nearly blew my marriage apart.

I was furious that he had responded positively to her and I was hugely embarrassed that it was with somebody we knew. At the same time, I could see how desperately lacking our marriage had been for quite a few years. There was no sex, no intimacy, not even a kind word between us to be honest.

We spoke honestly and we got things back on track. The woman and her husband moved away. Now, we prioritise each other a bit more. It’s still very hard, the kids are still relatively young, they have additional needs, and we do get very little time to ourselves. Husband still works 2 jobs but one is at home so it takes the pressure off a bit.

it’s far from ideal. Some nights by the time we have got the kids to sleep it’s almost time for us to go to bed ourselves. It’s often a case of leaving the dirty dishes on the side until tomorrow, not packing lunches for the next day, and going to bed and having a bit of time together before going to sleep….rather than doing the chores and then falling straight asleep.

So yes our house is messy and things are chaotic, but we take a bit of enjoyment where we can, and it seems to work.

But when I found those messages I was faced with the stark reality of losing my husband and had to consider how that would be. Would I want to be single? Would I want to date and bring a new man into my children’s lives? How would a new man measure up compared to my husband? It was a no brainer for me, so I knew I had to do something.