Missing the early days of dating

[Tiramisu85]

I've been with my boyfriend a year and a half, we are both in our 40s. He is wonderful in so many ways, respectful, great with my son, consistent, emotionally intelligent, sex is great , I could go on.
But I really miss the early days when it was exciting , basically the falling in love stage. We would meet for dates and I would get excited to see him. We still go out but it's more he comes to mine or I go to his and stay over. I'm just sad that the early exciting times have gone.
We met on a dating app and I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to go on dates with different men again, just the excitement of it.
I know lots of them are twats and have lots of issues but I just really enjoyed it.
I do have suspected ADHD so I sometimes wonder is that why I feel restless.
I have literally found what other people go on dating apps hoping to find and I'm now feeling a bit sad that the honeymoon period of the first 6 or 7 months is over and also that I may never go on dates again with anyone else.
Am I crazy? What is wrong with me?!
Also to add, that I am aware of I was to do this I would obviously lose him and someone else would snap him up. I really don't like the thought of this or him falling in love with someone else. I may also regret it as I may never find someone as good as him again , then kick myself and then it's too late, he would be long gone.

If he was sat there thinking "I mean, she's okay, but man I really want to shag around on Tinder again.", what you you want him to do about it?

Yes you are crazy.

How old is your son?

@CelticSilver my son is 10

@SilenceLaySteadily I would probably feel a bit shit if I thought he was feeling like this. He's a very loyal committed person, he had a 20 year relationship before me, so he's not the type to want to date around etc , if he finds something he likes he's sticks with it..he doesn't get FOMO like me

@mondaytosunday I agree, I wish I didn't feel like this

Perimenopause can make you feel a bit restless for change and excitement amongst other things.
But do you have a pattern of this, of enjoying the beginning stages but bored when settled?

Can you start going on more dates together? I’d get fed up and find it boring just sitting in the house together most of the time.

When was the last time you took him out for a pint?

You’re being ridiculous, sorry. Are you someone who self-sabotages?

People with ADHD definitely have an issue around needing novelty. But you have to rationalise it.

If you don’t, you’ll be unhappy and lonely forever. Be grateful you were lucky enough to get a decent man on a dating app of all things!

Fear of missing out on a whole playground of narcissists who just want to use women for sex. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think 18 months in is a bit early to get too comfortable. I’m two years in with my DP and we now live together (met on an app), he’s 56 and I’m 46 (no kids). We still dress up to go out on dates, find lots of different activities to do, get excited about plans and holidays etc, and generally keep the romance going by buying each other little gifts and making an effort. However that’s the kind of guy he is, it gives him genuine pleasure to do all that stuff and he loves trying new places and activities. It then makes having a night in and snuggling up on the sofa a lovely novelty too!

See it as a sign you need to start doing things together like dates, activities, day trips etc. it sounds to me like you miss going out and about and “dating” rather than you aren’t with the right person.

I’m assuming your version in your head is missing out fun dates with interesting, fun guys - when in reality what is on the apps is so far removed from that it’s laughable. Dull guys with the emotional intelligence of a spoon at best, actively dangerous at worst.

And no, I’m not saying no decent men are on apps. But I am saying if you already have a decent relationship you are indeed crazy 😂

Sure it’s exciting.. but if you had that again you’d soon pine for the calmer times when you’re just content to have someone lovely. I enjoyed the dating part when I met dh but now I’m older in my 50’s I realise how lucky I am to have someone on my level I love being with, a true companion .

Meeting a man in his 40s on a dating app that wants a relationship is like searching for a needle in a haystack. I wouldn't chuck it in the bin thinking you might find the same again, because its very unlikely

I actually understand. I have been with DH about a decade, we met on an app and he is very much the love of my life.

However, I LOVED OLD. The conversations, the fun dates, the new people, the novelty. I know lots of people have a shit time, but that wasn’t my experience. When I’d been with DH a few months, I genuinely felt quite wistful about losing all that. But it was very much ‘ah, that was fun - I’m done, now’. I was never actually tempted to go back to it.

So, I suppose it depends on if you’re just feeling a bit wistful (in which case, worry not, it’ll pass) or if you are genuinely thinking of ending your relationship so you can go on lots of dates forever (in which case, maybe therapy might help?)

I think your problem is that your baseline for a relationship is "excitement" when it in fact should be "stability", "consistency", "loyalty", "common goals" and "partnership". Excitement is something you work into the relationship, it's not the thing to base an entire relationship on. It's a fleeting feeling, and you don't make fleeting feelings the foundation of your relationship - because it'll be a too rocky foundation. Foundations must be stable, so you base a relationship foundation on the stable things. Such as cosistency, loyalty, etc. If you don't, you get to the point where you are now, where you think something is wrong with the relationship because it's changed over the year and a half. It doesn't seem like you can handle change very well if a natural development in your relationship makes you question it.

Also, if you want more excitement in your relationship, what are you actively doing to make it happen? Excitement isn't something that's naturally there, you have to create it yourself. So what are you doing to make your relationship more exciting? Have you communicated to your boyfriend that you want him to also proactively do things to make your relationship more exciting for you? It sounds to me like you are just sitting there waiting for excitement to fall down from the sky. It's not going to happen. If you want, do something to get it.

Genuine question.

You miss dates? Why have you stopped dating?

Do you not go out together, planned or a surprise? Or do spontaneous or planned activities in the house? Once you stop putting effort in your on the back foot in the relationship.

I look forward to seeing my DP every evening after work and we look forward to our evenings at home when the children have gone to bed. We plan a date night out once or twice a month sometimes he surprises me sometimes I surprise him or we plan it.
We try and have a night away every 3 months or so as well.
But quality time and effort is what matters. I still love it when he writes me a little lovey post it note or picks me up a treat from the shop :)

Then calmness and stability is what he needs, particularly heading into puberty. Not a succession of 'Mum's latest exciting (read: twatty) boyfriends' Put him first.

This, a hundred times this.

Why not just take steps to spice up your existing relationship?

Thanks everyone, I think it's more feeling a bit sad that I may not go on dates with other men again. I've always enjoyed online dating and meeting men that I would never get to meet in normal life.. it was exciting.
Yes there were a lot of twats but there was also some good ones too.
I get that the whole point of dating is to find someone , which is what I've found.
That's why it's confusing feeling like this