Help me understand myself….

[overthinkingopera]

In my 60’s, new relationship of 9 months. We get on well. See each other twice a week and spend 3 nights together. Physical side reduced quite quickly - he is on meds, age, lifestyle etc but equally, my libido is much reduced but I enjoyed having sex with him for the intimacy. It’s not a subject we can talk about easily but I have felt rejected and unattractive about the situation.

I’m widowed of 5 years (short marriage) and he’s been single 5 years.

He spoke of his last relationship in not so positive terms but just seemed they reached an end. He just referred to it as ‘the woman I was seeing a few years ago’.

Few weeks ago, I made the fatal error of Facebook stalking their time together and I am now tormented by what I saw. Prolific postings by both of them showing this ideal life with same interests. They looked so happy together and he wasn’t backward at expressing his feelings for her on social media.

He had used the L word to me but it’s as if he’s not comfortable saying it so I’m thinking he doesn’t mean it.

I am obsessed with thoughts of them together which is ridiculous as I have a past reflected on social media too. I’m starting to worry about my mental health as I can’t stop these invasive thoughts. I’ve got physical symptoms of anxiety which is not like me at all!

What is wrong with me? I feel I can’t compete with what I saw I guess and I want to feel like I’m enough.

For context, he is very deep and doesn’t find talking about emotions very easy at all.

Your description of his FB posts sounds like how many people use social media, to portray an idealised image of their lives and relationships, in some cases a complete lie compared to the shambles of their real relationship. So I wouldn't go by what you have seen.

Just remind yourself that Facebook posts are carefully curated and not reflective of real life, for the most part. Those happy smiling, blissfully in love photos aren't showing a true story, otherwise they would still be together, surely?

Facebook posts, like most SM/forums on the net, often consist of part fantasy.

If you’re both happy, forget all that, and just go with the flow. 👍

If someone was going to take a picture of you and the person you’re with, you would put your arm around them and smile wouldn’t you? Then there’s a picture of the two of you looking all loved up happy and smiling together. You would probably be looking this way in most of your pictures because who would frown and cross their arms and look fed up for the camera?
People break up for a reason and it’s usually because their relationship wasn’t great not because they were blissfully happy and made the perfect couple.

I am always suspicious of uber loved-up fb posts.

It smacks of protesting too much. Why don't you talk to him.

On the libido front, has he had his meds reviewed with that in mind? There may be tweaks that could help x

OP do not berate yourself for looking on SM.

There was something about your relationship of 9 months that made you look and now you have had a confirmation on what you instinct was trying to tell you all along.

Navigating a relationship is hard, and so do not be so hard on yourself for questioning things that feel off to you, or lacking in some way. That is healthy to do as you progress things further. It would be odd if you did not weigh up pro and cons and look at the full picture, and perhaps us women need to guard ourselves more seeing we tend to be vulnerable to some extent.

But remember you are allowed to be happy, and if this man is making you happy than grab that opportunity. However, if he is making you question things about yourself, and your worth, perhaps look into why. Is it something he said? Or your internal dialogue because you are scared of investing emotionally in this man?

His social media and prior life is something he is entitled to, and if things ended roughly and not at his request? then he will most likely find it hard to open up about it as he sees it as a closed chapter? But if things are nagging you internally that something feels off, then listen to that, find out why? But if its just jitters?

If they were really that loved up, why aren’t they still together?! Unless you suspect he was the dumpee and may still harbour feelings for her, the fact he refers to her as ‘a woman he used to see’ suggests the relationship was nowhere near as perfect as it was portrayed online (they never are).

Having all that stuff on his SM feed might also be a bit uncomfortable for him now it’s water under the bridge, and may also explain his reluctance to get too lovey dovey too quickly in a new relationship.

Don’t let shiny online nonsense put ideas in your head, OP. Whatever you invent will be a thousand times more enviable and perfect than whatever situation they were really in, with all the usual workaday irritations and problems. He’s chosen you, not her, and you’re spiralling over a fantasy.

I had a male friend on social media who was always posting about his”wonderful” wife and about how he was “punching” . They looked like the perfect couple.
But he made unwelcome advances to me and I’m certain that I wouldn’t have been the only one.
Im happily married but neither me or dh post anything about each other or our relationship online. We don’t feel the need to.
You can’t tell anything real about his previous relationship by what you’ve seen online . Concentrate on how he treats you in real life

You really can't judge a relationship by what people post on Facebook! I know women with awful husbands who are always posting about their 'wonderful man' when in reality I know they are anything but! In fact, I would go so far as to say that the couples who post on Facebook all the time are the ones who have the most problems and are trying to portray something they're not. All the happiest couples I know are too busy living life to waste time looking for validation on social media!

I've no idea why you're feeling insecure, unless it's the bedroom problems that are making you feel unloved and undesirable? In which case, you need to have a frank conversation with him. Any relationship worth it's salt needs open communication.

For context, he is very deep and doesn’t find talking about emotions very easy at all.

Not sure I understand this. What's he deep about? Metaphysics?

Thank you all for your objective perspectives.

I need to do a bit of work of my confidence in relationships and then assess whether this one is meeting all my emotional needs.

I’ve spent a lot of years at various times being happily single so to be so again wouldn’t be a problem. But I’d rather have a special person to spend time with in my 60’s.

I am very fond of him. I absolutely know he was never going to be verbally re-assuring. I am reminded of something he said in the early days, ‘don’t judge me on what I say, judge me on how I am with you.’ I guess we have differing communication styles. He had said that he feels we have enough between us to build a future. He does act in a caring and affectionate way and puts in all the effort of visits as he always comes to me. (He still has an adult child at home so it’s easier and I have animals that I can’t leave.)

For now, the ocd overthinking has quietened but I have experienced that in the past and it was a clinical depression which I needed medication for so I need to look after that side of my mind first and foremost.

Thank you again for pointing out what I should recognise but lose the capacity to reason when my head is full of nonsense. If that makes sense? Xx