I just want to write it down.
my husband really doesn’t like me and is irritated by me. I don’t feel he has my back in life. Any time I try and talk I get an angry version of ‘so it’s all my fault then’ and the conversation dies.
my mum died a few months ago and I keep thinking if I’d left my marriage earlier I could have had so much more time with her before dementia took over and she’d have loved every minute, and appreciated it so much. I’ll never get that time back. My husband never really liked my mum and doesn’t seem to miss her and thinks I should be over it and that her quality of life was very poor. Her quality of life was awful in the last few years but I feel so so guilty. We lived too far away for me to see her frequently, I saw her when I could but I could have seen her more.
i have a tiny family, all my parents, grandparents, older siblings, aunts and uncles have passed away and more extended family have connections much closer to other parts of their family. I maybe see them every couple of years outside of funerals and the occasional wedding. I’m really aware they are far more important to me than I am to them if that makes sense.
I have 4 awesome teens but I don’t want them to be impacted by all of this. They deserve to have their teenage years learning, being supported at school and socially and in their activities and not having to grow up too quick. I have one brother who is awful at staying in touch but who I love dearly but who is really inconsistent.
I feel so alone and so embarrassed at being alone. All my friends seem to have big connected families and/or a loving supportive relationship, and I can see they don’t really know what to say to me or can’t really grasp the enormity of it all (no one knows really my marriage is falling apart. We can’t separate for practical reasons for another few years at least).
I had a big birthday recently and didn’t get a card or message or phone call from any family member (other than my kids who were lovely and a call from my husband who was away) and felt so tiny when colleagues and friends asked what I was doing for it, and just said ‘oh a quiet one for me!’ and gave thumbs up messages on social media to the ‘hoped you’re being spoilt!’ messages.
Im sorting Mums probate and there is no one I can ask in my family and in my friendship group it’s not a stage (happily) they are at. I feel so out of step with other people my age. Everything will go really to cover care home fees and I’m realising that my childhood home will go and there is nowhere I can go ‘home’ to.
if anyone has been in a similar situation I’d love to know how you picked yourself up and took a breath to re-engage with life and found a way of anchoring yourself. I am trying so hard to stay busy and positive and engaged with my kids and I’d be so devestated if they ever felt like this. I know this has to come from me and that I have to sort it out so my kids have a positive role model in life. I think I’m going to focus on a routine and gently reaching out to old friends and trying to be more honest as first steps but I’d love to hear from anyone with a similar experience