How should we handle sister-in-law wanting her father's money for visits?

[Notagainagaindd]

Sister-in-law has been used to telling her parents tales of woe and getting large handouts. She can never do wrong, and we can never do right .for example, when I had cancer the mother said to me, it’s alright for you having chemotherapy, your sister-in-law can’t find a babysitter.’
She (lives in USA) was married to a very rich man and they’ve split up. According to her he will let her live in the farmhouse, but she has to give him all her money. She has to pay him rent, he was sexual abusive for five or 10 or 15 years, depending if anyone’s giving her attention or not .the downside is we can’t trust anything she says.
The father is living in our house and I get to do most of the caring. We have asked sister-in-law to come over Christmas so that we can have a break. She is determined to come over in autumn, and we think that she will then say she’s done enough, or there will be an emergency and she won’t be able to come at Christmas.
Anyway, the Care Home called yesterday to tell us mother-in-law had an infection.Today she’s fine.my sister-in-law is making ( another) drama and wants us to transfer money so that she can fly over and visit her mother and father right away, and she’ll definitely come again at Xmas. She has given my husband a list of how much this will cost, including hotels and travel.
She wants my husband to transfer the money from her fathers account directly to her bank account, and not trouble her father who has vascular dementia but still does understand a lot of what is going on. How on earth do we handle this? Obviously she is entitled to visit her parents, but I think husband and I are both a cheesed off that she sees her father’s money as an extension of her bank account. Obviously I’m fed up because his father living here has had a massive impact and we are saving the family (her) loads of money by not putting the father-in-law in a Care home ( mother-in-law is already in one).
And then, of course, sister-in-law will just inherit hslf. I think it annoys me as it feels very performative-previous visits seem to include doing remarkably little to help her dad.
they have shared and individual POA
any advice?

Gosh I sound petty! Think I’m fed up and sorry for rambling

Would FIL have given her the money for the flight before the dementia kicked in? If so I think you probably ought to do it. But I share your pain and whiny outrage, we have a similar situation in our family.

but also: have you got a plan for a care home for FIL? Can he afford it? Don’t martyr yourself further.

Thank you heatwave I’m sorry to hear you’re going through similar.
you are right, I’m not martyring myself at the moment, I don’t think. I think we have an ok routine, and all would be fairly manageable if SIL would lay off the drama and victim hood. FIL is fed up with her constant need for drama and money, it stresses him out. She says we are poisoning her dad against her.
we think she’s angling for money dh discovered.shes tapped him up for 80k over the last 5 years,,

I have POA and am not an expert but have read the guidance carefully. I think it would be breaking the POA rules if your FIL has some capacity but you don't check with him. Plus you can only do what's in his interests and this doesn't sound like it would be.

The request to "not bother" your FIL doesn't feel ok.

I do appreciate that the sister isn't going to quietly accept this decision though so it would be tough to say no

Thanks hatethese I’ve been trying to research and that’s the conclusion we’ve come to. He is willing to pay for a flight at Xmas so dh and I can have a break. But not autumn. It’s going to get nasty.

If FIL has the capacity to decide whether he's giving her money, she can ask him and he can decide. If not, you can't take his money unless you have POA - even then, you're only supposed to spend for his benefit, not hers. Helping her take his money would make you an accessory to theft. Tell her you're not risking a criminal record for her and don't do it.

Be sure to check with legal counsel about this situation to make sure it doesn't cross over into the land of financial abuse of an elder. If he is lacking capacity IN ANY WAY, he will most likely be deemed by the court to lack the ability to make sound decisions about his finances and health. To protect yourselves from your sisterin law as well as from prosecution, you need to take this step before you do ANYTHING with that man's money. You need legal power of attorney documentation so that you can safely make decisions in his best interest. just having him in your home without those protections is foolish. Please consult with whatever social services is in your country, and a solicitor. You need to do everything you can to protect yourself, your property, your money, and your future. Your sister in law sounds positively vile and the type that would quickly sacrifice you for her own wallet.