Am I unreasonable to want distance from DH's best friend?

[Azurevelvet]

I am prepared to be told that I am unreasonable. I am pissed off about someone else's relationship that has nothing to do with me but it annoys me enough to expect distance from them.

DH's best friend recently split from his LT partner who I too have known for at least 6 years and who I hold quite deerly. He was a complete ass and treated her appallingly, and I am feeling disgusted by his behaviour but that's not really the problem.

I have told DH that I don't want his friend around for the time being when I would be expected to engage because I don't think I should pretend that everything is hunky dory. They can of course hang out, but I want nothing to do with him. Secondly, I don't want his friend and his new partner to come to stay with us in a few weeks. I was always fine with it but not any more right now.

Thirdly, and I know that I'm being precious here, I asked DH what exactly goes on when he and his friends occasionally go off for a weekend away. I have never been worried about this but considering the absolute crap that they seem to tolerate from each other without any challenge has made me question this.

I know that I'm punishing the wrong person (my DH) for someone else's poor behaviour but I'm really disgusted by him and others just accepting and condoning abusive behaviour.

If the guy is a sleaze merchant don't blame you for not wanting him under your roof and to play happy mateys for a weekend.
His new gf probably has no idea what lies beneath as sleaze boy will be on best behaviour for now.

Your response sounds entirely reasonable to me.

Entirely reasonable.

And if this is what his friend is like you can be sure the behaviour of your DH and the rest of his pals when they are away together would probably shock and upset you if you knew what they get up to. Birds of a feather

That's my worry. That and feeling honestly sorry for the poor woman who everyone seems to pretend never existed.

I don't always agree with what some of my friends do, plus you never know the full story from outside, so I wouldn't try to ban my husband seeing people/bringing his friends round, because if he was judging my friends I'd not be happy. Plus it's not the new partner's fault, or is it? Either way, keep your friends close.

I would not have the best friend to stay with his new gf, sounds a bit soon/raw.

I’d invite him and his new gf over for dinner….with the sole purpose of letting her know how much of an arsehole he is and how he treated your friend

Think you’re well within your rights to not socialise with the friend and not have him over to your house.

Judging your DH by his mates behaviour is unfair and risky. I have friends from school who I probably would never be friends with now but were in for the long road now so my behaviour is in no way the same as some of theirs.

The risky part is from experience of an ex the more you get accused of things you’re were not going to do and live with that control you end up thinking fuck it I’ll just live up to expectations. Which it shit and I should have left before I lowered my standards.

Secondly, I don't want his friend and his new partner to come to stay with us in a few weeks. I was always fine with it but not any more right now.

Fine with what? Him staying with previous partner? Him staying full stop or him stating our current partner? Have you met her?

I wouldn’t want him and his new gf to stay either. I’d just get your DH to tell him that due to your friendship you have a sense of loyalty to his ex-gf and are not ready to have them stay.

Sounds reasonable to me. People need to stop enabling shitheads

Why does his friend need to stay over? Does he live a long distance away?

I think it’s reasonable to judge someone by the company they keep.

OP isn't talking about limiting her H's contact with his friend. She is saying she doesn't want any contact with him herself. And she is saying she doesn't want him staying in their home , which is entirely reasonable.

And only a person with no moral values themselves mixes with, and counts as a best friend, someone who has no moral values. At best they sit back and observe and tolerate and enable the bad behaviour . At worst they join in and participate in it

Thanks all. I agree that I’ve probably been unreasonably judging my DH. For clarity: I don’t expect him to stop being friends with the guy, I just don’t particularly want to engage and socialise with him. I’m not saying that this is forever.
We generally get together once a year hence the impending visit. I’m surprised he even considered coming with his new gf knowing that his ex and I got on well.

Your DH doesn't want to lose a friend so he's turning a blind eye to all his bad behaviour, you don't have to support that. A friends marriage broke up over her DH affair, she said the worst part was watching all her old friends include the new woman, she lost all her support when she needed them most.

Once a year! I thought your post meant he was literally over in your house several times a week!

If you’re fond of, and have a separate friendship with this man’s ex, affirm that. See her socially. Tell her you value her. I think that’s an entirely separate issue to saying you refuse to have your DH’s friend in your house for a once-a-year visit.

Of course they see each other more frequently. I have no issue with this but I don’t want to engage with him. Normally I can avoid this but not if we are stuck in a property together for a few weeks.

Good for you. If men called other men out for their bad behaviour like you are, the world would be a better place 💛

Oh, if it’s that long a stay, that’s different! Weeks?

Unless you know 100% and have evidence of his appaling behaviour (and his exs saintly behaviour) then I personally would try not to judge.

Presumably you've only heard a biased rundown of what happened between them ?

What exactly is he supposed to have done? As I think it makes a major difference as to whether you're unreasonable or not