Husband betrayed me again

[JollyBlueSquid]

2 years ago I discovered that my husband of 14 years (together 24) had been watching porn lots and engaging/messaging prostitutes. He said that he never met, it was all texting and looking online. It was so out of character and a huge shock after lots of chatting we chose to seek support from a marriage counsellor. We attended afew sessions and we agreed this was the reset button on our marriage and we'd start a fresh . However afew months past and I still had a niggles in the pit of my stomach something wasn't 100%. Then I found that he'd actually visited a prostitute and had BJ . He was like a rabbit caught in headlights when i confronted him . I couldn't believe that he'd lied . He moved out whilst I could gather my thoughts. He told me it was just that once and he'd never seen anyone else. Well that was a lie as I once again discovered he'd seen this prostitutes 3 times for BJs . I honestly couldn't believe what id seen or heard . We've 2 small children and hes the main provider as I do childcare and have a part time job on minimum wage. He said he'd do anything and went to counselling, this went on for several months, he said they'd told him he sounded depressed. So after lots of discussions etc we decided to continue with the marriage. Now nearly a year later I found him searching escorts and even a text on his phone . Ive confronted him and he took no responsibility for his actions. All I get is he cant remember, and hes sorry doesn't know why he does it,and that he's not physically done anything, just looking. Im so angry and upset. I honestly dont know what to do. If we leave i dont know how to prove a good life for my children solo. But likewise I can't be fooled again and the trust and level of deception is madness.

Our friends and family will be absolutely gob smack and wont believe my husband did this nor I do feel rather embarrassed explaining the truth.

My head /heart/ emotions are all over. I need out side opinions as im going round in circles.

This is not your shame to carry.

You know that realistically he’s need using sex workers this whole time, have you had yourself checked for STDs?

Get you finances in order, mortgage payments, pensions, savings, ISAs, shares etc and start working out how your future will look without him.

He has been compromising both your sexual and mental health with his actions, along with lying to you for years, and that’s really not something you can (or should want to) come back from.

I know that leaving might look very hard but I don't see how the marriage could continue. You don't have to leave right now. Personally, I couldn't stay with someone who did this to me so I would be looking at building up my earnings so I could leave and provide for my kids on my own.

I feel for you, OP. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. Start thinking only of yourself and your kids, because he is only thinking of himself. Do what you need to do to make exiting this marriage as easy as possible and when you go, tell everyone what a sleaze bag he is. You have NOTHING to be embarassed over, nothing at all. This is all on him. Depressed, my arse. That's no excuse for going to prostitutes and paying women to service him. Fucking grim.

In the meantime, focus on you and building up you self esteem, which is bound to have taken a knock. You deserve so much better than this, hold onto the knowledge that soon you will end this marriage on your own terms and build that better life for yourself.

I would seek legal advice re all aspects of separation and divorce as knowledge is power. I would also look at increasing your work hours outside the home if at all possible.

As for family and friends give them a version of the truth you feel at ease with: you do not have to give all the details. Give your children the age appropriate truth about you separating and or divorcing and remind them they will have you people as their
mum and dad supporting them.

Now he knows that you stay with him after he cheats, in his mind, he has the green light to continue cheating. Vote with your feet.

It doesn't matter if anyone else believes what he did, you know, and that's enough.
Your life may not have as much money once you split, but you will be free of lies, doubts, gaslighting, and bullshit.

What a cunt. Unfortunately, your kind nature has been your downfall here. You forgave him once and so he assumed he would get away with it again. It doesn’t help that you are completely dependent on him financially either. The set up for him here is amazing so I don’t really know how he can be depressed - he has two kids, a full time carer for the kids, prostitutes on demand and a wife who will forgive his transgressions.

Start looking for full time employment. You will probably need to find somewhere else to live if you can’t afford the mortgage alone. Do you have family nearby?

Get all the legal, financial information you can. Start now, whatever is available to you. Confide in friends and family. As previous poster says this is not your shame. You are innocent in all this and have nothing to be embarrassed about.
Get full STI testing.
Honestly OP men like this never ever change. They do it because they enjoy it and not because they are depressed. It's nothing to do with you, he's just a sleaze, he won't stop. If there's one thing I've read from sex workers points of view is that the clients don't change or stop, they often say it's their last time and then they are back the next month.
Don't waste the rest of your life on him.

I'd definitely no longer be intimate with him since you could catch an STD and also because he's of course cheated and has lost the privilege.

It's not like you have to rush to separate, but do consult with legal reps. If it will be helpful to your financial future to achieve a higher paying job and you need further education, perhaps seek it now while he can be with the kids at home if you can attend night classes or weekend classes, etc.

By the time you finish, hopefully your children will be in school full time, allowing you to work at a better paying job during the same hours. For now, start to cut expenses like restaurant food and cable.

He's spending a lot of money on his unhealthy habit. Don't know if there's a way to put a stop to that, but you can certainly address that with him. Without telling him you eventually plan to divorce, perhaps he'll be scared enough to allow you to take over the finances so he's not wasting money that should be going to important family finances. Good luck. You certainly need it.

He's telling you the absolute minimum that he can get away with, lying and gaslighting and messing with your head. The truth is he's probably done a lot more over a lot longer, but he'll never come clean because it's in his nature to cheat, lie, deny and put the blame elsewhere. Well done for trusting your gut and don't be made to feel like any of this is your fault or that you're overreacting. You cannot trust him ever again. The marriage is over and it's entirely his doing.

Get the support - emotional/practical/legal - that you need from people you can trust and do not have any shame whatsover. He is not worthy of your love. At all.

sorry to read this OP. The reality is, he is a habitual user of prostitutes and I don’t believe for one second it’s only for oral. He will have been doing this from before you even started dating, and he won’t stop. So the choice is you continue in the marriage knowing this is the case - or you end the marriage. You don’t have to tell people why, but equally it’s his shame, not yours. I’d advise a read of chumplady.com - there is no coming back from the reality that your husband is a cheater and has betrayed you with prostitutes. My advice is start getting things in order now, see a lawyer, look for a job / take control. He will not see you as the victim and will do all he can to hurt you because that is what these men are like.

Whatever u do, keep proof of everything. Absolutely everything. Money, properly payslips banks everything. And make sure u absolutely get proof of the cheating. Screenshots. Emails, texts.
dates time. Everything u can. He will turn dirty once he realises he cannot lie and manipulate u anymore.

Well, CMS will sort out how much child maintenancehe has to pay. A solicitor will sort out anything else.

With other people, you can just say his behaviour was unacceptable, and leave it at that. You don't need to share all things. 😉