Dating after a toxic relationship and struggling with self worth

[Tryingtobe123]

can anyone shed some light as to why on earth I feel so much disgust towards myself!

i came out of a very toxic relationship, if left me with very little self esteem. But I’ve been trying to work on it

I met a guy on hinge and we’ve been speaking, getting on really well etc. we went for a drink last night and I just talked myself into ‘he’s too good looking for me, he’s too nice for me’ he messaged me after to see if I got home okay and I just replied ‘yeah all good’ now today I’m here thinking oh he’s not messaged me nevermind knew this would happen etc etc

but then I’m like, I didn’t really give him much to go off did I. What if he’s thinking the same since I sent a very blasé response. I didn’t thank him for the drink or anything or say I had a good time! But now I’m overthinking it wondering if I should text him today to say thanks

dating in your 30s after a soul crushing break up is not for the weak is it

advice please!

ultimately I don’t want to get hurt, rejected, disappointed after everything I’ve already been through

How long before the end of the toxic relationship and the date?
Sounds like you might not be ready.
Have you had any therapy?

@redboxer321 nearly 2 years haha so a while! And yes I have had therapy but we haven’t really dived into the low self esteem thing yet. It will be brought up on Fridays session for sure

Two years really isn’t long. Is there a reason why you want to get into a relationship just now? Being single allows you the space to establish yourself as an individual without someone else complicating that.

Two years doesn't sound that long but I understand why it might be especially in your 30s. I'd concentrate on yourself and achieving things for yourself so you can build real self esteem. But, full disclosure, I made such a mess myself that now in my 50s, I've had to give up! Hope things work out for you 🙂

Its not a good idea to start a new relationship until your confidence is restored, you risk falling into the same patterns as before. How long it takes for someone to recover from abuse is very individual, it sounds like you’re not ready yet. Sending the very best wishes to you.

I agree that if you’re not in a healthy place that can complicate getting into a new relationship. You might not see the good points rationally (he obviously liked you enough to go on a date and message after) or any red flags.
But I also don’t think there’s a perfect time to start a relationship and everyone has past experiences that shape their behaviour.
Drop him a message today and say you enjoyed meeting him and that will give him an opening to either invite you out again or not. Then you’ll know.

Self-talk is powerful. If you wouldn't say something to a close friend, (that guy is too nice and too good looking for you) then don't say that to yourself.

I suggest reading articles or books on practicing ways to improve the reel going on in your brain. One book that gives examples of this is The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. It helped me in that area.

I think your goal of not ever being hurt, disappointed, etc. is unrealistic. Instead, use standards as a guide while vetting. Pay attention. No red flags or dealbreakers? Great. Has all your must-haves? Wonderful. But of course, people are usually on their best behavior at the beginning, so you have to let time reveal all. Guard your heart through the honeymoon period and see if the guy continues as a good risk to your heart longterm, or not.

Instead of having armor or hangups against being hurt, have a goal of resilience. Tell yourself you will use your powers of choosing wisely and releasing guys with red flags and dealbreakers. If it doesn't work out because of your decision, or he's not feeling it with you, that you can handle that because you have a fulfilling life besides dating.

We're not all lucky enough to find a keeper the very first time we date. It's normal to have many dating/relationship experiences before that happens. But when you have a good life besides dating, you will briefly be disappointed, dust yourself off, and then move on.

It's also best not to project to the future on a date. Try to stay in the present and enjoy the moment while learning interesting things about someone new.

As far as this guy goes, in your shoes, I'd text him ASAP with your thanks and great time message. And if you go on more dates with him, don't dump your lack of confidence on him. It's boring, a downer, and an energy killer. Keep telling yourself you're the treasure and a man has to treat you like one or you'll make a quick exit. Good luck.

@Tryingtobe123 if you think your self-esteem is fragile, it may not be time to date. You need to love yourself before looking to love anyone else - in my opinion.

I'd also try seeing dating as a very low-investment activity. Try and see it as an opportunity to meet people you may be interested in getting to know, rather than a high pressure "is this the one" situation? If you position it as something really low key and secondary to your otherwise full and happy life, then that takes the pressure off and you are not questioning whether some random bloke you've met once is too good looking or too nice.

Can I just say how absolutely brilliant @ScorpionLioness79 post is!

I was in a deeply abusive relationship that all but ruined my self esteem and confidence when it ended some 14/15 years ago. I had therapy, personal and group, I worked with DV charities to help agencies understand how better to help those in need of help etc etc

it’s a long road to recovery but @Tryingtobe123 keep plodding along, putting in the effort and you will get through these hard moments. Have faith in yourself above everything. This is your key.

you have survived awful, it may have dented you but it didn’t defeat you. You’re a whole lot stronger than you think. Resilience is key here.

Some good advice from @MargoLivebetter but I do disagree with the “too early for dating” statement. You’re not, it’s been 2 years and you can do this. The only way to learn to do this life/relationships thing IS to try and try again.

are you going to be disappointed at times? For sure. But see my previous comment… you’ve been through worse and this time you have the power to make the decisions you need to, end it, etc if it’s not working.

I spent a few years on my own, then tried dating. I spent a year in a so so relationship, but it wasn’t going anywhere and after a year I ended it. He wasn’t in love with me and I deserved better. That relationship taught me that not all relationships are toxic/dangerous

this is a VERY important lesson.

i ended it = also a very important lesson. I have the power over my life

these 2 lessons alone go a long way towards healing the hole in your force field that protects you from those who seek to use/manipulate you.

i dated on and off, was choosy, made mistakes, got hurt

but i survived. This made me realise that each person that comes into your life does so for a reason, you have a lesson to learn. None of these guys were The One. I wasn’t ready, I hadn’t done all my lessons.

each lesson you need to learn, then move on when the lesson is over. You can’t hold on to what isn’t for you.

then, when my faith in myself was almost at it’s lowest, when I was doing the right things but still not finding someone who was right for me.. he arrived.

I took the whole relationship at a different pace than before. I didn’t future fake myself,
kept everything light and easy, no pressure, no expectations, no plans long term for the first 6m, was it still fun? Yep, nice guy! So we carry on. Kids get to meet etc, see how things go, again all light and easy.

i re-evaluated at a year and by then we’d done a holiday, I’d seen him in all kinds of situations, and him me.

We have been together 10 years this month, got married in June

is this guy the one? Almost definitely not, but he’s teaching you about yourself and relationships and what you like/don’t like, what’s acceptable and what isn’t

don’t future fake, don’t invest in the sunk cost fallacy, zero tolerance for breaking of boundaries.

come back and ask us any time you need it. We’re proud of you!

sorry for war and peace 😊

Thanks everyone I just feel so low. He went from being incredibly keen to now not even replying. Why message me as soon as he gets home, to now nothing today. I feel really unattractive and unworthy of anyone bloomin’ nice. Stupid isn’t it

Take the advice given about being proactive in changing your mindset. It won't happen overnight, Keep at it. Having chemistry is biological without a person's control. Have you ever encountered a guy who is attractive and pleasant, yet the thought of kissing him is as unappealing as kissing a brother or cousin? Has nothing to do with his worth as a human being, just as if a person chooses not to see you again has no bearing on your worth.

Matching with another in every important way is magic, not ordinary. It was like a part-time job when I did OLD, taking years and averaging a date each month with a different guy before meeting my future husband. Some experiences lasted more than one date. One lasted 8 weeks. Everyone's timeline is different of how long it will take and how many men they will meet before finding a keeper. This guy is a blip on the journey. Add that to your self-talk reel.