Feeling out of place socially since becoming teetotal in my forties

[Dominoesooohoooo]

i am in my mid/late 40s, married, with two kids who are rapidly approaching their teens. I have a corporate job and mainly work remotely. In the last two years I decided to become teetotal for lots of different reasons (I have an alcoholic parent, I was aware I was drinking to numb my social anxiety, I don’t even like the taste, hangovers increased my anxiety levels to no end, etc etc). I absolutely don’t judge others for drinking and at most social events I try to hide it by drinking things that could pass for alcohol. A lot of people that know I don’t drink seem to have a big problem with this and I’m regularly interrogated about it which I find super weird and very annoying. Any way my point is this, without the alcohol to loosen my inhibitions and with the judgement I get from others, I feel like I come across as a very dull person. As I get older I just struggle to think of interesting and witty things to say at social events. I’m just tired, bored of being around drunk people on nights out and I feel so out of the loop. I was at a party over the weekend and everyone was doing shots, chasing each other around the place, smoking joints, and dancing uproariously. I feel dowdy and like I’m no longer on everyone’s wavelength. To be honest I’ve never been that fun and crazy but maybe when I was drunk I just didn’t notice. I don’t want to drink and I enjoy being teetotal but do I need to just suck it up and go back to drinking in order to be socially accepted again? I’m feeling quite lonely in my choices.

Why would you want to socialise with people whose idea of a good night out is to drink shots, smoke weed and run after each other? I can't honestly imagine anything worse.
Surely you have friends who may want to partake in activities not involving drinking. My friend an I went to a silent disco a few months ago, danced the night away and we only had water throughout the event.
I often go to theatre plays or gigs with another friend and it rarely involves any drinking.
I spent this entire weekend socialising with a bunch of people as we were attending a sporting event and since we all had to drive there, nobody was drinking.
Honestly, I can't even remember the last time I was drunk, let alone had a shot or a joint. Probably not since my late teens and nobody in the last 25 years has called me boring except for one couple who have a serious alcohol problem and think anyone not drinking a couple of bottles of wine a night is boring.

I'm sober and yes sometimes you feel like the boring one but id 100 Times rather that than hangovers, health implications, memory issues and the whole other host of downsides. Real friends also shouldn't make you feel sidelined for not drinking.

@Dominoesooohoooo The people who interrogate you about why you aren’t drinking do so because you abstaining shines a light on the fact that they CAN’T—and it makes them feel uncomfortable. They go on the attack because it makes them feel better about their own drinking. They know it’s bad for their health, expensive and gives them hangovers. Seeing someone else stop drinking feels like judgement (even though as you said, you aren’t judging anyone!) because they know full well themselves the reasons why you’ve done it. They then have to justify to themselves why they keep drinking, so they decide to interrogate you.
It’s not just alcohol. It happens to anyone who stops doing something to improve their health, when others don’t wish to. They take it personally when it’s not about them at all.
YOU ARE NOT BORING! They just want someone to not point out(inadvertently) that it’s possible to go out and socialise without poisoning yourself.
Please find some other social activities to do with people whose lives don’t revolve around alcohol 💐

You really, really need to widen your social circle. There are a lot of people out there who are less dull than the bunch who only want to ‘party’. Potentially in fact you can keep the same friends but just do more interesting things. Is there anything you would like to do that currently doesn’t happen because your friends meet up to get pissed? Something creative, sporty, arty? An evening class, join a band, go dancing? Or just conversation?

This..Hardly anyone I know is like this.
I run in an arty crowd but still...

Ohh my God you poor thing! That all sounds absolutely dreadful!

I’m several years sober and SO very comfortable with being ‘dull’ - if it’s the opposite to the sort of ghastliness that you describe.

When I get invited to parties:

1. I say no to about 50%. Unless I actively want to go, I decline. Nice to be invited/ nice to decline
2. If I want to go I say something like ‘We’ve already committed to something else that night but we’d love to try to pop in for a wee while early doors if you’re ok with that? Go early - before everyone’s pissed. Just get round the people that you want to speak to and then give your husband the eye raise. Say your goodbyes together to the hostess and you can drive home. Make up off, bubble bath and snuggle up feeling smug. I’ve talked with my husband at length over the years about how tedious I find most parties and drunk people. I’m very lucky - he’s not overly bothered either way and happy to be supportive of me and to come away when I’ve had enough.

You need some encouragement from some lovely, fun, reformed boozers - join Soberistas (online) and meet your tribe!

PS yes, as others have said, you might want to start shifting your socialising to more sober, day-based things:

Running club/ Park run followed by coffee?

Invite people for a weekend lunch rather than dinner - they drink less and leave in time for you to clear up and have some space before a normal bedtime

Meet friends for a walk and a pub roast?

I’m your age and don’t go to any parties where people are chasing each other all over the place or doing shots. Do none of your friends go to the theatre, go out for dinner and a couple of glasses of wine, go out for lunch, walks, galleries etc?

As someone whose been alcohol free for ten years, this is all very normal. Those interrogating you its a reflection on themselves because they know they drink too much and have a problem. I always find people are twitchy on the first drink, after that they dont care and become selfish concentrating on their own alcohol consumption that night. Those slurring their words, making fun of you trying to belittle you and repeating themselves drunk are the boring ones. Tomorrow they have hangovers and beer fear to cope with, whilst youve driven yourself home, taken your make up off, got up the next day and been productive. Id rather not drink than go back to that!

You need to shift your social life to (a) do things you actually enjoy doing (if you need a drink to get through it, you don’t want to do it) and (b) with people you actually enjoy being around.

I got sober 3.5 years ago. I’ve never hid that I don’t drink anymore. I don’t walk around hiding what I’m drinking. I’ve never had anyone question it or take offence. I have had people launch into long monologues about their own drinking problems. 🙄 But I don’t put myself in situations like that with people who are complete knobs for a start.

You can do things you enjoy socially that don’t involve alcohol (for anyone!). You can become the host. I invite people out for walks and going swimming and to do coffee at 10am on a Sunday morning. Things where alcohol isn’t involved. I’ve never had anyone turn it down because there’s no booze. In your 40s, most people are grateful for something to do that doesn’t involve a late night. The ones who can’t just have coffee and a conversation are the ones with drinking problems. Let them go off and party. You can choose to do something you enjoy instead.

I can guarantee that 80% of people in their late 40s are not going to parties on a regular basis where people are doing shots and smoking joints and chasing each other around. The bulk of my social events with my friends who drink are a few drinks in the afternoon in someone’s garden (I have a cup of tea!), or a BBQ with a few friends, or meeting up for a pub lunch. I’d rather go to the dentist than a party where anyone is doing shots and I definitely wouldn’t tolerate someone smoking a joint.

But I’ve definitely shifted who I spend my time with. If someone only wants to see me when we’re doing rounds of shots, well, I’m bored with that and I don’t really want to spend time around them. I just don’t see those people anymore. But I’ve met a whole world of new people. I have more friends now sober at 45 than I’ve ever had in my life!

It all does take practice though. Standing at a wedding with a kombucha in one hand and feeling not awkward takes doing it a few times first. Same with suggesting cake and coffee instead of the pub. But after awhile, it’s no big deal. Also if you’re finding work events tricky, push back on work events that always revolve around alcohol. Truly not everyone wants them, especially younger people today and they aren’t inclusive. Suggest something different for meeting clients or doing networking.

People will be grateful that you spoke up and they will follow your lead. Also I will guarantee you aren’t the only person not drinking and there are lots of people struggling and questioning their alcohol consumption around you. Someone has to go first. But if you do it loudly enough, others will follow. I hosted a lunch a few weeks ago. Everyone knows I don’t drink but that I don’t care if they do. In years past, these lunches would have been very boozy. No one had a drop of alcohol. One other person besides me is now sober. Another couple was just not drinking that day. The only person who wanted a drink was my Dh, but then he felt too awkward 😂 so he just had a soft drink too. Times are changing so just keep pushing forward. It will get easier, but you may have to drop some people along the way and get comfortable saying, no, sorry, I don’t want to do that.

Lots of people don't drink. It's very normal - almost 1/3 of people don't drink alcohol and for young people, under 35, it's almost half that don't drink. Older people do drink more, it's true, but it's still about a quarter that don't drink at all and much more who only drink occasionally, including social occasions.

I'm telling you this not to tell you your experience is wrong or untrue, but just to help you see it's not typical, so your social circle has a higher number of drinkers and that's making you feel unusual instead of them. But the good news is there are many social circles where often some people aren't drinking and some people never drink, and you can find them fairly easily if you look.

My kids are in their twenties and barely drink. When they do, they stop at two.

Nobody knows I don’t drink. I’ve always been able to work the room, so it’s not an issue. I do feel like an old mumsy type now, because, um, that’s what I am! Just stop going to this sort of party, and find other like-minded people to spend time with. It’s hard when it’s work, but you’ve changed & that’s okay.

You need new friends. That's not said flippantly, but if you're mid-late 40s and your friendship group judges you for not drinking and spends their social time being drunk, running around and smoking weed, I can assure you that YOU are not the one with the problem! Instead, I would think of how you can widen your social circle to include some normal middle-aged people. Ones who do sports, pub quizzes, book groups, dog walks, all that kind of stuff.

Once you leave the drinking and party lifestyle behind to peek behind the curtain you quickly realise how absurd and toxic the whole thing is- there’s no partial abstinence it’s all or nothing.

You need higher frequency friends, weed and alcohol is simply low frequency behaviour. There’s nothing dowdy about stopping poisoning yourself.

I can pinpoint a change in my social circle to agreeing to do the Yorkshire Three Peaks with a loose group of women. We did a lot of walks to train for it, including a couple of nights away, and then did the event itself, over about six months. I think quite a few of us didn’t drink at the beginning of it, and more by the end. It was a lot of fun and we still meet up in smaller groups for all sorts of events. Set a goal, gather people together.

This.

OP: you just need to switch up the judgement from you to them. You're doing the right thing.

I totally agree with you, people seem to have such a problem with non drinkers and I just find it bizarre. I'm lucky that I have a friendship group, there's about 8 of us and no one drinks so I don't really have any issues. However, I went on a massive healthkick at the start of last year and my sister was very scathing of it. She said she finds going out with people who don't drink boring. I pointed out to her that the only people who have an issue with people not drinking are pissheads who need others to drink so they don't feel like they are pissheads. I don't care who drinks what, who eats what although I don't like being in the company of people who are off their tits as I personally find that boring

Maybe it's a modern day version of misery loves company.......pissheads love company.

I used to love a good drink back in the day but then menopause kicked it and it just didn't agree with me. Made my hot flushes a million times worse, I felt shit so I just stopped and now alcohol never crossed my mind. Both my brother and sister have had major issues with alcohol and my beloved friend of 40 odd year became a horrid person due to alcohol too, it's a very destructive but legal drug. Booze has a lot to answer for and if someone told me I could never have a drink ever again it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. OP it's not you, it's them!!