Emotional abuse? (Parent)

[abusivedm]

I’m trying to get some things sorted in my head and start counselling soon and for the life of me can’t actually understand why my mother bothered having me. I’m finding it hard to see as abuse still, and my dad is very much “that’s how she was”
it’s affecting all my relationships as an adult and I’m still bearing a grudge (LONG, sorry!)

would these things make you feel the same?

things I can remember

being hit round the head so hard I saw stars as I was late home with a friend (age 8 ish)
having all my soft toys (including the one I slept with every night) thrown outside and crying all night (age 6 maybe)
silent treatment. I would say good morning, she would look at me, ignore me. I would fawn and worry about what I had done wrong but it was never anything I had done. Often days of not speaking to me
told me to take my glasses off so she could slap me (age 16 ish?)
broke my ankle and foot. Came home the same day in plaster on crutches. She asked for a cup of tea and when I said I couldn’t carry it, told me to crawl
probably the worst was blackmailing me into a termination as an adult. I had 10 months of counselling and can’t have DC now anyway as too old. That was my only chance
never said she loved me, wouldn’t hold my hand, hug me or anything like that
regularly told me how fat and ugly I was and how much slimmer she was (me a size 14 then, her a 24) and had a sit down meeting with me about how awful I looked wearing glasses, how bad my skin was and how fat I was

when she died, my dad said he couldn’t face going back to the hospital and he had said his goodbyes. I got a sudden feeling I needed to go to hospital and did. Sat with her and I told the nurse not long, the nurse disagreed but she died 10 minutes later. I didn’t want her to die alone but I feel like I’m still grieving the parent I didn’t have

to everyone else she was lovely. Charity work, adored children, would do anything for anyone

Your mother was very abusive and your father was an enabler. The thing that stood out for me from your post is the event when she threw your toys out. My (narcissistic and at times terrifying mother) once threw all my precious ceramic dolls and bears out of my 3rd floor attic room window. She was teaching me to respect property because I had been snooping in some photo boxes, looking for photos of my beloved father, who had left after another of her affairs. I was eight. She flung up the sash window, threw each one out, hurled them, towering above sobbing me. When she had finished she spat out ‘Be grateful, Gepili, it wasn’t you I threw out’. Next morning, i was treated with stony silence and given a dustpan and brush to clear up my broken toys. This is one of many moments of sheer terror in my childhood. I developed chronic trichotillomania and severe anxiety.

i really hope you feel less alone! Years of therapy has helped me enormously.

Everybody thought my mother was wonderful. Street angel. House devil. X

Nothing to add other than I'm so sorry you had to grow up in that awful environment 😔 Your mother didn't deserve you there in her final moments. You are a better person than I would have been xx

OMG what a sad childhood you had my mum was hard I regularly get the leather strap across me you need to get help and truly wish you all the best

you must be a truely good soul to go sit with her as she passed after all she did to you I couldn’t of done that

Dear Op. I was so sad to read about your experiences. It must have been very difficult at the time and even now looking back on it. The fact you are talking about it and questioning and are open to counselling is a great thing. You are ready to begin processing.
You won't be able to change what happened but you may eventually find closure and some peace to move on.
It takes a lot of courage to stand up like you have and I applaud you.
I wish you all the best as you start this journey (speaking from experience with my own alcoholic narcissistic mother).

I am so very sorry you had to endure such a level of abuse at the hands of your parents. They both failed you abjectly.

It is not your fault your parents were like this and you did not make them this way. They had a choice when it came to you and they chose what was likely done to them. Women like your mother was cannot do relationships at all so enlisted a willing enabler to help them, step forward your dad. He made poor excuses for her and threw you his daughter under the bus repeatedly out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He remains a bystander and weak.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. You owe your dad nothing, let alone any sort of a relationship here.

Conrscting NAPAC could also be of great benefit to you. I wish you well.

I do have a relationship with my dad which is much much better since my mum died
she was abusive towards him too and I think it was almost like Stockholm syndrome (sorry if that’s offensive but it’s the best way I can put it)
he would try to calm her down and pacify her, often the worst bits he wasn’t around for and I wouldn’t say anything to him in case she got worse with me or him. I think a lot he doesn’t know about

I just felt I couldn’t let anyone die alone. She was unconscious so I just sat with some audio stories playing and asked the chaplain to come in. It was very odd but I felt it was the right thing to do

But your dad saying but that’s how she was does not make it any better for you. Such comments minimise you and your feelings which are absolutely valid and he was in effect her secondary abuser . He could have removed both himself and you from that environment but he chose to stay with his wife for his own self based reasons. I am assuming he was at work when your mother was abusing you.

Has he actually apologised to you fulsomely or taken any responsibility for his actions?.

I hope that therapy is helpful to you.

Yes they worked together without being too outing. He did everything though so worked 7 days a week plus the cleaning, cooking, etc etc
she never cleaned or did laundry etc
i don’t feel able to have a conversation about it with him, we never have. He doesn’t know I see it as abuse

I’m sorry you had to go through all that, just awful. I would’ve let her die alone - she didn’t deserve your presence. It was very much abuse I’m afraid.

it’s good you’re starting counselling soon and I hope that helps you come to terms with what happened.