Struggling after ending a long marriage following my husband’s infidelity

[NothingMatterss]

Love to have a bit of handhold please.

Ending a 16 year long marriage, due to stbx’s infidelity.

I just want to say, I hate midlife crisis.

I feel life is no longer meaningful.

i used to be joyful for many little things. But now, it is so hard to just keep living, one day at a time.

A once loving person turned so nasty and cruel, it is so hard to get my head around. maybe this IS the true colour.

I have lots of things going for me and I’m not giving up on myself. But it is really really hard.

just want to say your not alone here, feel like I’m having a mid life crisis too! Just ended 15 year relationship, back last year he was texting women vile messages I held on because I was scared to let go but it got to the point that we were having huge rows over things that we shouldn’t even be rowing over. I feel sick to my stomach like physical pains every day now we have gone no contact, it’s so foreign when you are used to that person being a huge part of your everyday life. Only advice I can really give is keep reminding yourself of why you have to go your separate ways because once the trust is gone holding on does more damage.

Thanks so much! Yes indeed.
It sucks when they destroyed the life I wanted. I didn’t choose this. Our DC didn’t choose this.
I wish I chose wiser and better.

How are you getting on OP? It’s mental torture isn’t it and especially hard when your whole future and family unit have been destroyed. I’m struggling too, keep trying to fix things but deep down I know things will never change x

I went through similar in 2022, very nearly destroyed me at the time. I lost my home too due to his parents owning it.
The brutal cruel behaviour when he was cheating for the last 6 months was unbelievable. I don’t actually know how I coped at the time.
4 years on and I’m much happier. I focused on me, lost weight, did a Masters degree and have a lovely home.
My advice, take each day as it comes, distract yourself with books and box sets.
I went grey rock too which helped enormously, from the day I left I didn’t answer texts or calls.
The person your saw at the end was who he was. You will be happy again. As for him and his affair partner, they’re turds, you can’t build a happy home on another woman’s misery.

Thanks a lot. It’s very hard, especially children are involved. The cheats don’t care anything apart from themselves. I’m worried that kids will fall through the cracks because they will become nobody’s priority.

It is very brutal indeed. I finally had clarity on what it is underneath the masks. It is a monster. It is disgusting. It is terrifying. I have gone grey stone now and at peace at last. I am scared of him.

I just want to say that you may all be feeling shit right now but you made the right decision, once you’ve got through the pain and put the past behind you only then will you realise you are much better off, choose to be single and happy, or try to find a new partner that will treat you right, your choice, just be happy x

Thank you. I am choosing to be single for myself and my dc. DC has gone through so much turbulence with the whole shitshow.

I guess the worst part was the confusion about what the hell had happened. Because of all the mind bending lies and deceptions.

for so many years, I guess I already forgot what it feels like being treated right. I think I need to find myself first, and be the best self possible first.

I am very very tired though. Full time working, part time studying, taking care of dc, plus the divorce stuff.

Just here to offer support. I'm 6 months down the line of the abrupt end of my 17 year relationship (married 14.5 years). It wasn't an affair that broke us up but he has done something seriously wrong and is the subject of a criminal investigation. Some days it's been absolutely horrendous, not having any answers (not that he would tell the truth), to realise that someone you thought you knew was leading a double life seriously makes you consider your judgment. Take one day at a time, surround yourself with your support network and most of all be kind to yourself 💞

OP, Please get on survivinginfidelity.com for some support from those who have gone through it. You will not be shamed for leaving or anything like that. Also, listen to Ask The Betrayed podcast on Spotify. You will need some years to heal but come out stronger.

Sending support for you too. It can be very disorienting.

Thank you. Most of the betrayers there were ones trying to reconcile. I really hope to understand some of ye experiences and thoughts of betrayers that chose to break their family down, leave for their affair partner and transient into this whole weird being that’s unrecognisable. I find it scary and profoundly sad.

Right. The betrayers who don't try to reconcile won't be going on sites like survivinginfidelity.com because they're not looking inward to understand the mess they've made. They think it's all hunky dory for now....or they don't, but they're suppressing all the guilt.

Maybe they will do that work when the affair partner relationship breaks down. Maybe! Many people never face their own pain and try to understand it. They carry the same dysfunctional behaviours forward. You can’t betray someone and not have dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

That will all be too late for you though (to hear that from your current ex). You will have moved on. You're operating in different time frames. You might recover amd he comes back to say what a mistake he made - but for you it will be too late.

The most empowering things you can do is to look to areas which you control. Have you neglected to be yourself in this marriage? Can you bring those parts back to life? Where did you not speak up, or where did you push feelings down. Now you can shine the light on individual events and see some possibly self harming behaviours. (I say that because it's often the case, not because it necessarily is with you)

You are in survival mode, grieving for the future you thought you would have, coming to terms with the man you thought was trustworthy and worried about your DC. You won’t let your DC fall through the cracks, they also are grieving but they have you who they can turn to. You are adapting to a new life together and will survive this betrayal. You feel helpless but you need to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other.
You are not living with a man who was cheating, life with secrets you suspect but can’t prove is like being in purgatory! You have your children/ child with you so they have security of a parent who puts them first. This is the beginning of your new life, it’s scary and not of your choosing but it’s you at the helm and you will get to a point where you feel secure in yourself and no one can steer you in shark infested waters again.

It is a struggle at the beginning, but I promise you it gets better.

I was in a similar situation about 20 years ago with the sudden end of my marriage as ExH was having an affair and wanted to be with her. We didn't have any DCs. ExH dropped me like a hot potato after 14 years of marriage. He became someone I didn't recognise . He had absolutely no care about me whatsoever. I moved out as we had been renting and had chosen another place to rent. I moved there and he renewed the lease on our old place and moved her in after 6 weeks. I'd collected my stuff and the last few things he put in bin bags in the garage! Two years earlier, I had supported him through a difficult time even though it was hard for me.

20 years on I have another partner and we have a teenager.

Be kind to yourself and take it one step at a time

I was in the same place 13 years ago. Lots of gaslighting driving me round the bend before I finally discovered he had been having affairs for some years, and spreading lies about me, telling them he never wanted the kids etc. Like you, I felt really bad about choosing this man as my children's dad.
All those years later, the children seem fine about it; they have a decent relationship with us both. It took me a long time, with therapy and medication, to feel OK about it. I have since met a man who has shown me exactly what I was missing before. Thank goodness I didn't stay with the ex any longer than I did. Guess he really makes me appreciate my dp, at least!

Thank you so much!

this is such a lonely paths as only people who experienced this knows exactly how it feels.

I found the Chump Lady site and book the most helpful to me in my recovery.
https://chumplady.com/