Don’t know what to do with my relationship

[rocknrolldreams]

This is a long one sorry. Been with partner for 14 years. Kids but not married share a mortgage he’s the higher earner, I have a job around my children as I do school drop off pick up and the activities after school. I do all their medical dental stay off work when they’re poorly. He normally works a Saturday so I do a club in the morning then whatever they want through the day eg park play centre relatives or friends houses. He’s always been a drinker but it got worse two ish years ago. He drinks everyday starting around 4/5 in the evening. I have recently started counting his units he drinks beer and roughly 75-85 units per week. He’s always had an angry side to him, but he could say something mean shout then be nice again for a few months etc. the last year he got worse he was drinking more, and started his own business which wasn’t the best choice for him. There were times were he would say nasty cruel things to me but very angry. In the spring I asked him to stay the night at his mums house as he got too for me, the next day he was texting me very apologetic etc came back home. But wasn’t too sorry once home, eg needs to apologise to one of my family members after horrible remarks about their children but won’t do as he thinks he was in the right. I’m absolutely mentally exhausted with him, and he’s giving me anxiety, I’ve noticed he hasn’t been brushing his teeth! The thing is, he has more money than me all the finance is in my name, he is self centred and can be extremely false in front of people, loves acting like the family man does everything type person. So if we did split I think he would try for more days with the children just to look in front of other people. When he slept at his mums in spring all he was bothered about was his mum finding out and to make sure we didn’t tell her, she was away on holiday. He’s very loud and over the top with the kids in front of other people. Since spring, he tried to look like he does more eg started taking our eldest child to high school every morning. (when they’ve always got the bus) some of the behaviours he’s had- my stepmums funeral propped the bar up all night and wouldn’t watch the kids so I could chat to relatives, shouts and denied it when I asked him about this, asks why I’ve been so long eg taking child to swimming lesson or if I and try and get to the gym myself, but in a certain tone of voice. Likes to shout at me in the car a lot twice he sped the car up said it was fault for winding him up. All of this I have no proof of just my diary I started jotting down dates. I also have two or three TikTok videos my eldest child made about dads drinking so I have saved these- I removed them off Tik tok etc and spoke to my child about this. If I do leave him, have I no say as to when he has the children? Should I seek legal advice?

There are a few things that jump out of your post. Firstly if he is drinking every evening then he must be over the alcohol limit when he drives the car the next morning. He is putting everybody's lives at risk doing this, including his own children.
It sounds an absolutely awful environment for the children to be brought up in, and for yourself. If you did split I doubt he would want the children because they will inevitably interfere with his drinking.
I think firstly you should seek help and support from one of the organisations that are there for the families of alcoholics. And i think.you should take legal advice about youtr rights and likely financial situation when you seperate. Because honestly OP thus situation is not sustainable.

I agree with PP, he’s not going to want the kids to interfere with his drinking.

Also, you have a lot more leverage than you think you do if he’s keen to keep this hushed up.

What are his parents like? Is he the apple of their eye or will they be focused on protecting their grandchildren?

He’s the apple of his mums eye he can do no wrong

This post says everything that needs to be said .

I hope you take this advice OP .
If you continue to bring your children up in this environment, they will think drinking daily is the norm , their future lives could very possibly be ruined .
They need the best chance they can get in life .
We owe them that after bringing them into this world.
In a household where one is an alcoholic or a drug addict , well it’s detrimental to a child’s future , & that’s very, very unfair to them .

I just want my children to live with me can I legally enforce this? I’m not at all saying there will never see him or keep them from him, but they live with me is this possible? I do have a friend who is a family solicitor I may ask her advice, ?

I would keep a log of how much he is drinking, every time something happens with you or with the children. Just in case its useful if you have to go to court for custody arrangements

I have a very messy diary sheet I’ve wrote and dated of all the times he’s been angry towards me, not sure if that’s enough. He 100% believes his drinking is normal and not problematic and apparently every man comes home and has 5/6 pints per night. Sometimes more at weekends. He also can’t look after himself not sure if this would ever matter in court etc, I’ve taken picture over about a 12 month period the side of his bed and the floor on his side is a disgrace. I’ve told him I’m not cleaning it up for him anymore I do enough, it’s full of a mixture of clean and dirty clothes, used tissues, crisp packets empty fizzy drink and water bottles, sweet and choc wrappers and pot noodles glasses cups . Every now and then I’ll clean it and sort it, but I take a pic of the before because how he can live like that and get in bed next to it all is strange.

Legal advice and Womens Aid

If he's drinking that heavily, he's probably over the limit in the mornings so I really wouldn't allow him to drive your children in the car. If you suspect that he's driving whilst over the limit, you need to report him to the police - but you can only do that while he's actually driving off.

In the longer term, yes you and your children need to leave. He's an abusive alcoholic and your children shouldn't be growing up around that. You definitely need to get legal advice, you will probably have to sell the house and split the proceeds or he could buy you out?

He wouldn’t afford to buy me out so probably have to sell,