How can I stay friends when I find time together draining

[CookingForCats]

I have a very longstanding friend, who I met along with her friend, through a friend of mine who we don't see anymore through moving away. We meet up regularly when we can. The friend this is about lives about 200 miles away from our hometown. We are all single after getting rid of unsuitable husbands/partners some years ago.

The problem is, I am bored out of my tree when I am with her. I don't want to not be friends with her, and I don't not like her, I still care about her and want to be friends. Hard work, I think is the way to describe it.

Our lives are very different, she has a job she works 3 days a week and is very well paid. She doesn't socialise outside work except with her next door neighbour on trips to London occasionally, but the neighbour has now left her husband and moved a few miles away into a rented flat with her young son.

I am undertaking a PhD, just about to begin my 2nd year. I also run a business from home and I am in a lot of social activities so I very rarely sit and watch TV or relax, other than reading a book on the run. So I'm always busy, all the time. And I don't have loads of money. I cope but I am not well off.

It's just difficult to know what to talk about because she doesn't show any interest in the things I do, I get "mmm" answers. I don't do that with her, and I recognise it is part of her personality and she won't change.

I see her about once a month, maybe twice when she visits family here and stays with them. She always wants to go to a football match, but not only is it expensive, it takes an entire day with travelling and then having food afterwards.

The third friend I see less often even though she's fairly local! She's totally different and we are more closely matched energy-wise, and have worked on projects together.

How can I remedy this, because it's got that I feel I am wasting a day when I meet her and I don't want it to be like that. I don't want to dump her as a friend but I want to improve things.

Start saying no and just meet for a coffee only.

As @Cardhey suggests, I would start by restricting your meet ups to coffee only. but then become increasingly unavailable. You obviously aren't getting much out of this "friendship" and it's hard to see why you personally like her so much. You find her draining, you don't want to spend a whole day at a football match and she only talks about herself. As you've got such a busy life, it really shouldn't be that difficult to get that across to her. Stop being a people pleaser, you won't get any medals!

She doesn't really only talk about herself, I'm not sure where you got that from, as it's probably what she really doesn't do. She asks questions, but it never seems to come from a point of real curiosity or interest (in the way that friends should, I mean, not about being nosey or intrusive) because when I answer her, or fill her in, it's "mmm" or nods, so why ask in the first place, is what I wonder. I think she is genuinely baffled about my lifestyle and why I do the things I do. She talks about TV shows a bit, and about her work colleagues.

I've known her since we were teens, so I guess it's a legacy friendship. I like seeing her happy when she's at the football. Her brother goes too, but he has a season ticket and she can't go with him, plus, he goes with his mates anyway.

You not getting much out of this op. I would be less available perhaps the odd coffee. My friend can be full on I just meet odd time but I can use my daughters sport that we busy. Lol

You have reasons to beg off for those day long things. You can say you're studying. You can also say you're on a budget when the activity she suggests is too expensive. Whittle it down to 4 times a year with shorter activities.