What does a good, healthy relationship actually look like?

[12BuckleMyShoe34Knock]

I'm at a point in my mid 30s in which I realise that I do not know what a healthy relationship looks like.

Reflecting back as an adult, I grew up surrounded by unhealthy relationships. My own long term relationship turned out to be a coercively, financially and sexually controlling relationship dressed up as a happy one.

I realised the other day that I can easily look up what a bad relationship is but there isn't a clear definition of what a good relationship is. And having lurked on this board for so many years, there seems to be women here that do have a clear understanding of good relationships, and what to expect from them.

I've come to the conclusion that if you don't understand what a good relationship involves, then it's easy to say 'well he doesn't hit me' and think your bad relationship is a good one.

Can anyone tell me what their good relationship is? Because I can only think in negatives here: 'he doesn't hit me', 'I don't wake up to him raping me', 'I can say no to sex on one night without 3 weeks of the silent treatment'. I find that so fucking depressing.

I'm in a healthy relationship and I can tell you what it's like, although I don't think there's one version and every couple is different. I have to say this is by far the best relationship I've ever had and suits me down to the ground.

• Freedom to be ourselves
• We fit together, not in each others pockets but we live our lives alongside each other in a sort of 'mutual flourishing' way
• Both feel like we are benefitting from the relationship and it is helping us to grow and become better versions of ourselves
• Shared interests, having fun together doing things that we love, lots of laughter and play
• Conversations in which we talk honestly and openly about how we are and how we feel. These are never in a "we need to talk" way, they just happen spontaneously and regularly
• Both listen really well and are interested in what is going on for the other person.
• Knowing that we have the ability to work through issues together and being brilliant at repairing
• Good awareness of how each other gets emotionally triggered, an understanding of why, and shared agreements about how we deal with it
• Both know our boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable within the relationship
• We always celebrate each other and champion each other; we make each other feel good most of the time
• Get told that I'm the most beautiful, sexy, amazing woman on earth (I'm obviously not but he genuinely believes it !!) and I give him lots of genuine compliments too
• Both pull our weight with various chores and tasks. He is a naturally energetic and hard working person, he cooks, cleans etc.
• Both have the same standards of cleanliness and personal hygiene.
• Both look after ourselves, eat well, exercise
• Shared values. We have the same general set of values and ideas about what's really important in life
• Great sex, regularly, and good communication around it
• Respect respect respect.
• I trust his worldview, I know he's not a misogynist, racist etc. He is values driven and cares about doing the right thing and being a moral person
• A general sense of fun, adventure and enjoyment around being together
• Lots of physical affection but also space when either of us needs it.

I should say that we don't have kids to look after so that makes it easier.

The first post nails it for me, I agree.

I am in a fairly new relationship but we agreed this is the format we are working towards. We discussed this right at the start, when we established what we each wanted to benefit from a relationship and what we wanted to or felt capable to bring, and what we didn’t want ie stress, mental games, secrets, cheating etc.

We have check ins with each other from time to time. For example we were discussing one of my friends in a bad relationship yesterday as I was worried about her, and DP checked in with me to ask me if I felt he respected me and I said yes I did feel respected.

As it’s new, we probably need to experience having and then resolving more conflicts and we are both aware we haven’t had to do this much yet, but we also discuss how we aim to do this when it happens in future. We have had a couple of misunderstandings and worked through these, but I don’t think you truly know someone and if your relationship is healthy until you have been through a conflict and dealt with it together. Or it will show you that you aren’t as compatible as you thought.

One where you don't analyse every word, thought and action.

all of the above and genuine empathy for each other

This doesn’t always mean the relationship is wrong, it can be your own internal anxiety. This is something I had to work through with therapy. It was never about the other person it was that uncertainty was scary

You chat about your day and organise it with the other in mind. Both of you think of the other person at least sometimes (on mn people say ‘he didn’t think of you ltb’). You can both be yourself around each other, have a laugh, mess, be tired, moany, exhausted. As above you go through the rocky roads together and allow each other to navigate without assuming they need to suck it up and act how they’re not feeling. You also need to argue. This was our downfall- no arguments in seventeen years and then ban, we both started bringing up everything the other person did that we hadn’t agreed with but had agreed with at the time

This is true to some extent. But actually every time this happened for me, it turned out I did have reason to worry and it wasn’t just my anxiety. I think most of the time it’s spidey senses. Either way you shouldn’t be in that relationship and if it’s you then being single is probably better until you are in the right place

For me, it's can be summed up by being kind to each other. Always. Kindness is very underrated but it's the most important personality trait.

OP might you benefit from doing the Freedom Programme?

For me (twice married, two abusive relationships)

I can be open about sexual desires/likes/dislikes
I can go out and see friends whenever without discussing it in advance or feeling bad about leaving him
I can say when he does something I didn't like (it's still hard for me and I get fearful and triggered but his reaction is always calm and open)
I feel physically and emotionally safe
He does his fair share of household work
He contributes fairly financially
We have a lot of fun

There is more I'm sure but those are the things that stand out as being contrasts to my previous relationships.

A good relationship is where it is always respectful, you get along, have fun, enjoy talking to each other and life doesn’t feel like an effort because most of the time you both want to do the same things/have the same values and taste, and when you don’t you are both loving and respectful enough of the other to accept whatever difference there is.

Basically the other person gives you energy and makes life better, not worse and you do the same for them.

People I know who struggle in relationships seem to be either selfish and controlling (everything has to be their way) or insecure, or their partner is like that. Both need to be mature and good communicators for a relationship to last.

Lots of the above.

i hugged DH last night and told him I am so grateful for our relationship, and looking forward to getting old together. It’s true. We have two kids (and I have to say that having children really tests a relationship because your priorities change completely, and there is much less time / energy / money to go round) and we’ve been through some tough times.

We take each other seriously and aren’t dismissive of each others concerns, but also we have such laugh together. Humour and friendship have been the basis of our relationship since day one. It wasn’t ever a grand passion (that suits me, passions fade while friendship endures). We’ve been together 28 years and I still look forward to seeing him at the end of the day.

I can relax in this relationship. I remember having more ‘exciting’ boyfriends before DH, but I’m so glad I never stayed with any of them.

Someone with whom you can totally be yourself.

Someone who feels that the domestic and childcare burdens are a shared project.

Someone who fundamentally respects you and wants to work at it with you even during times when you are not getting on.

Having fun and shared goals together.

This is what kept fuelling my anxiety, the fear I had an intuition about something ‘wrong’ but when I had therapy they went over all of it with me and most of the things I was fearful of were not things my partner was lacking in, and there wasn’t evidence of anything wrong, it was my insecurities doing all the talking.

I agree with you also though I see posts here from women in early dating stages who are overanalysing the man before they can possibly know him, and expecting someone to come along who fits perfectly. Life isn’t like that though and some things you might have to counterbalance and people will have flaws. For instance my DP is prone to getting into silly grumps about things when he’s tired. This sounds less than ideal in a partner, and I used to take it personally; if I wrote down on a post my DP gets really grumpy about irrelevant things and can go on about them then people might say oh I wouldn’t put up with that. but when this happened this morning (he’s grumpy about the time of a table/meal booking later and banging on about it) I made him a cup of tea, gave him a kiss and he smiled and we made a joke of it and it’s dealt with

This sounds perfect 👌, I’ve never had this unfortunately 😞

Oh my gosh where did you find him?! ♥️🧡💛💚💜💗

People I know who struggle in relationships seem to be either selfish and controlling (everything has to be their way) or insecure, or their partner is like that. Both need to be mature and good communicators for a relationship to last.

Yes, I agree with this. Being secure in yourself, having your own boundaries and maintaining them, liking and respecting yourself is where it starts.

@12BuckleMyShoe34Knock have you ever had therapy? Im sorry your previous relationship was so abusive. Maybe working with a therapist would help you to get to the bottom of why you didn’t recognise the abuse, and how to set boundaries in advance of ever accepting such treatment from a man again.

Basic compatibility ie. Shared values and goals, similar attitudes towards money or gender roles or parenting, sexual compatibility (most of the time), sense of humour etc.

And also how you treat each other in addition to being compatible.

Can you be fully yourself? Can they be fully themselves? Can you both say no, or tell each other the truth, and feel safe doing so? Can you trust each other without surveillance? Do you treat each other as equals? Can you rely on each other? Do you repair when you get things wrong? Do you have each other's backs when life is tough? Is there accountability and respect? etc.

Love this and yes to it all. This is why a true love should be a best friend also.

first Post nailed it for me. Lots of communication, respect, kindness and intentional support/interest.

but honest communication is top of the list for me.

Thank you for such a marvellous reply @QueenRedLime, I think you have confirmed my thought that it is easy to miss learning what a relationship should be. So many of your points seem obvious on this side of a relationship, but would never have occurred to me naturally. And several of your points I thought I had, but they gradually vanished, they were an act.
@Crumpelstiltskin I've had the opportunity to access something similar to the Freedom Programme, but it has very much come second to general life and just getting through each day.
I have had a bit of therapy @Mixymaxymoxy. It was interesting to learn that experiences growing up helped to influence a lack of awareness and self worth. I'm at a point now where I can pick the therapy up again in the future when it is not so much of a luxury.

Lots of lovely thoughtful replies already. Not much to add but one thing that I haven't seen mentioned is giving each other freedom to do your own thing- I appreciate being able to get up or go to bed when I feel like it (separate rooms), we take breaks separately quite often (different interests plus need someone at home for elderly relative and pets). It works well for us, and we are totally devoted to each other after 40 years.

The thing I’ve noticed vs others is wanting to do things for others and adapting.

Examples are:

• saying that body spray really irritates my nose. Then the other person doesn’t use it or only applies when the other person isn’t present
• saying I don’t really like the way you have communicated x or y and then the other person taking that on board and trying to change.

Its about not being offended and trying to better the relationship by listening to the micro things daily

Well said!
I have had several relationships one lasting 30 years till divorce, but my current one is just as you describe and the healthiest -very happy.

I spent quite a lot of time on here asking the same question! Thank you, Mumsnetters past & present 💙

Always worth linking this thread:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody