What to do when DS doesn't want to stay with ex?

[Piratemam]

I initiated divorce following several incidents where my ex screamed in our son's face and insulted him, and also punched furniture/door in front of him.

Divorce is filed but not yet finalised yet. Trying to keep it amicable. In theory, DS is to spend every other weekend with my ex but he never wants to go and simply refuses.

I've come up with some suggestions to help (which ex hasn't taken me up on) but I don't want to force DS into it when he's uncomfortable.

I'm worried it'll look like I'm not facilitating a relationship between them.

Anyone else had a similar situation?

How old is your ds

Dont force it.

Your ex has shown your son that he is not a safe person to be around, and your son is clearly in full understanding that spending time alone with him is going to risk having such interactions again, and then you will not be there to step in. No child should be put through something like this. Not sure what age your son is, but safeguarding him would be a priority, and not pressuring contact till your ex learns how to communicate

Sorry I should have said his age, he's 7 (almost 8)

I'm not surprised your son doesn't want to spend time in his father's company if that's how he's behaved towards him. I wouldn't choose to spend time with someone who behaved in such a frightening way towards me either!!

If your ex wants to have a relationship with his son, he needs to acknowledge that his behaviour has been frightening and abusive and apologise sincerely. He needs to make an effort to see his son in a way that allows him to try and build bridges - maybe spending time with him at home or some short outings to build up to having him for full weekends?

Either way, I wouldn't be forcing your son to do anything.

Your son and you have seen domestic violence within the home. All that you describe he has done are examples of domestic violence all designed to intimidate and frighten.

Do not force your son to have a relationship with his abuser father. He does not give a fig about you or his child for that matter. All he wants is to win and punish you further for having the gall to leave him, in his head he is the perfect specimen . He is happy to use his son here to get back at you. Your child needs decent male and female role models in his life and his dad is not one.

Is contact at all court ordered?. Who suggested every other weekend?. (Him?). Informal arrangements can also play into the hands of abusers.

His abusive nature is likely why you want to keep things amicable (also because you are still afraid of him and his reactions) but such men do not want to ever be amicable. As you have seen he remains just as abusive now as when you were married to him.

Seek further support from Womens aid and protect your son and you further from such a man
going forward.

Given the reason for the divorce I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to go, and to be honest if I was you I’d be nervous about him going. Your ex needs some therapy to control his anger, then he needs to sit down and apologise to your DS. Only then can he start to repair their relationship. Starting small, little trips out then full days then weekends but only when DS feels safe and happy. If there are any issues at all, the visits stop. Make sure your ex knows this.

Thanks so much everyone, having the validation is so good because honestly my ex is making me feel like I'm being the horrible unreasonable one. I've never forced DS to go so he's not really spent any time there, only one weekend since the split. I'm more than happy to have him at home all the time.

I'm constantly getting it in the neck about what have I said to him to make him not want to go etc etc etc

And yeah @AttilaTheMeerkat it was my ex who suggested every other weekend. And eventually wants more... But now seems to be walking back on every other weekend because the "rejection hurts too much"

I should probably be more firm and get a solicitor but I am nervous because I don't have a lot of money. Although my parents have said they could help out.

Also to add, I've suggested short visits (full weekends do make me nervous) but DS always wants me to come as well. So e.g we've been to the park together and I've tried to sit on the bench and let them play but also supervise (ironically STBX almost never took DS to the park before the split). I'm worried this could get confusing for DS though.

When I was the child in this situation I didn’t want to stay at DF’s new house either. Just seeing him on Sunday was better for me.

Yes your right this would probably confuse your son even more. It's not recommended that the resident parent accompanies the child on trips with the non resident parent for very good reason.

Better to keep the trips short and then work on building them up to longer visits.

OP, of course it was your ex who suggested every other weekend! (leading to more) but your son has witnessed abuse and is right to be scared of him and you need to prioritise your sons wishes. He is very young and has no reason to trust his father, any future trust needs to be built slowly and carefully.
Arrange short visits for now and don't let your ex bully or guilt trip you into extending this until your son is ready. Try to resist accompanying him as this will indeed lead to confusion.
As Attila says speak to Women's Aid for advice and support and also take up your parents offer of help and consult a solicitor.

This is still being led by him. Your ex has a problem with anger, your anger, when you call him out on his behaviour . He can likely control himself around others so does not have an anger management problem. Such courses too are no answer to domestic abuse which is also what is being described here. It’s not your fault he has decided to embark on his own private based war against you.

I would indeed talk to WA, seek legal advice and take up your parents offer of help. You and in turn your son have been abused by your soon to be exh. If he is that bothered about seeing his son then he can see him
supervised in a contact centre. Your son should nolonger otherwise spend any time at all with his dad

I would not enter into any informal arrangement with your ex because he will be just as abusive towards you post separation and divorce. Your son is afraid of his dad for good reason and he has also seen you being abused too.

I feel like I should probably add that my ex was diagnosed with autism as an adult and so is saying she can't help having meltdowns etc and I should have given her more of a chance. I feel like I have given her a lot of chances and I just reached my limit. But from her perspective I am leaving her because of something she can't help. So this makes me feel more like I should be more understanding maybe?

Does she scream in colleague's faces, insult them, and punch walls at work?

Great point! No she doesn't. Although when I brought this up to her she said it was because she doesn't have to "mask" at home

Other people I know who are autistic also were like... This isn't an excuse she still shouldn't be doing that

That's such a sinister statement though. You're doing the right thing ending this.