How to deal with DC meeting OW. Feel sick.

[Cheesetoastiee]

2.5 years ago I started to suspect something was going on with STBXH and his colleague. We were together 16 years.

He spent that summer essentially convincing me I was suffering from paranoia and anxiety to the point I was on the verge of seeking medical treatment - he was encouraging of this.

The day the kids went back to school that September he wouldn't get up - I knew he'd been in car parks with her again after finishing work at midnight - but now it was impacting the kids I confronted him again, this time telling him he'd been spotted and he admitted he had been meeting her after work but nothing was going on.

We limped on until Christmas - he tried to sleep with me on that Christmas Eve, I declined and when I came down in the morning he had taken his wedding ring off and that was that. He moved out in May last year and immediately in a relationship with her (though again he told me March this year). After that, he tried to kill himself, claimed he had CPR that never happened, that he was sleepwalking through the whole event and it wasn't him who was in control. He was a PC at the time and someone, our neighbour I think, reported him to professional standards for his behaviour towards me, they would have heard him shouting, calling me crazy, making threatening gestures, financial threats. I wasn't allowed to speak at times, other times it was silent treatment for days. There's a lot more than I can type but it was horrendous mentally. Then he tried to kill himself again, more seriously and was sectioned under a section 2. I declined to pursue the investigation with the police because I didn't want blood on my hands if he did kill himself and felt like I'd be contributing. He disappeared for months then came back just under a year ago.

He's seen the kids fairly consistently since at our home, DD is not comfortable being away from me, now he has a birthday coming up and wants to take the kids to a meal to meet the women who ruined our family unit. I'm glad to not be with him anymore, so many lies came out after he left, lies about previous relationships, his family and friends. He's told horrendous lies about me to justify his affair, thankfully I have proof otherwise. It left me feeling like a fool who believed his it all for nearly two decades and I don't think I'd be capable of having a relationship again, I couldn't trust anything would be real.

His mistress is on the receiving end of his fantasies now which is her problem but it doesn't make it easier that he wants them to know her and play happy families.

I have always said to him that I wouldn't lie to the kids but I don't want to hurt them either. DC are 8 and 7. DD is very bright and asked before if he cheated out the blue, I asked her what she thought it meant and she didn't know so I diverted the conversation. She has a very, very strong sense of justice and I worry that down the line it would damage our relationship by lying to her now and letting her form a relationship with someone who caused our family significant harm. DC2 has SEN and wouldn't really understand the issue.

How do you deal with this as a person? How did your DC cope? I hate that this is my life, just feels neverendingly horrendous.

Indeed. It still doesn't excuse her hopping in to bed with him though. They are both as bad as each other.

Yeah this is the thing yes it’s awful what she did too but often these women are fed a narrative about you and then your reaction to the affair only fuels that.

my ex left me for a women twice my age and is a multi millionaire on the basis of her money although he states it’s love to the world lol. And yet this ultra rich middle aged women who lives in a house worth nearly 6 million, has made it’s mission to help him divert his own income so on paper he only has to pay £4 a week in maintenance for our two children and I’ve had to see the delight of her emails to the land of registry where she has written false information in hopes a restriction on our family home will be lifted so my ex can soley benefit from the proceeds.

But weirdly enough I feel sorry for her. She’s in a romance scam and can’t see it. Broke up her own family to be with him has a two year affair but doesn’t think he’ll do the same. He was arrested for coercive control and abuse yet also believes I made th police arrest him and that my children will be told this one day:

the reality is because I haven’t said anything negative to my own children they feel safe with me. They don’t feel safe with my ex and even with riches and the life I’ve had to rebuild I’ve built a home.

you have to build that safe space and home for your children. I don’t think they need to know about affairs as children as they then feel conflicted over loyalty or liking the other parent. I think if I hadn’t seen my mum do this to me I probably would have cracked though.

you will reach indifference one day, each year I feel less over it and just angry at the lack of financial support but again our children will grow up to see I did everything and whilst he spoiled them in the small amount of time he decides to see them, they will see the truth and I think that’s better than feeding a narrative when they are young.

Dad lives with (name of woman), this was his choice and we have to make the best of our lives as it is now.
no lies, no slagging him or the woman off.
Dignified

Of course but when your in a situation like that you are most likely got your love goggles on and are blind to it if your easily persuaded etc.

Do you know for sure OW hates you @Cheesetoastiee or is that only coming via your ex? As if so that may not be true - he might well not want you two to meet so you don't compare notes.

The kids would have guessed. you shall tell them the truth, age appropriate way, so that they understand and won’t be scaring themselves.

The cool girl "OW doesn't owe you exclusivity" trope is so tired. I can think of no other situations in which this skewed logic applies. Knowingly participating in causing hurt and harm to another is morally bankrupt. Saying "She didn't owe the wife marital fidelity," is so off the mark. Nobody is saying the OW does. But she doesn't need to owe her anything to have moral agency. Engaging in an affair is not a neutral act. Not having made the vows does not render her morally invisible. I don't know why women with no skin in the OPs game trot out lines like that. Cheating spouses and affair partners are both to blame; different blame, but blame all the same.

I had 3 DC who were 18, 16 and 8. I was honest with dc as I didn't see the point of lying to them. The older two knew their Dad cheated and I asked for a divorce because we no longer wanted to be married to each oyher. My youngest DC kept asking me why. I said Daddy didn't love me anymore but he still loves all his dc. It was obvious he found someone else because stbexh didn't hide her from DC.