Moving back in with parents at 36?

[TwinklyPinkTurtle]

Is this completely pathetic? I'm 36, no kids or partner and have been renting for at least 7 years. I have the chance to move back to my parents to save for a house deposit and think about returning to uni to retrain.

I've put my notice in on my rental house but the dread, shame and embarrassment of being my age and moving back to live in a bedroom has crept in. I'm pretty ashamed I'm this age with no partner or family of my own as well. Has anyone done this/would do this and has positive stories to share?

Not pathetic at all! I come from a culture where it's really common to live with your parents until you get married and move out - granted, I find this a bit draconian in this day and age, I lived with my parents well into my 20s and I felt no shame about it. I love my parents, get on well with them, I still maintained my independence by cooking my own meals and laundry and going out etc but it was actually really nice to just co-exist in the same space. Western countries put a lot of shame on it but to be honest who know how long our parents will be here, why wouldn't I want to make the most of spending time with them while I can. And it's not like you're being an unemployed bum, you have a financial plan and honestly given the housing market right now it's probably the smart one.

There is no shame in being single and not having a family. I never wanted a family or children. I also went back to uni in my early 40s. Looking back I had always envied graduates and just wanted a bit of paper to prove how smart I was. I ended up as an academic. Did not buy my own home tile I was in my 50s Moving back with your parents takes a lot of guts. I couldn't have done it. I'm too bloody minded and independent to compromise.

I’m 47 and about to move to a new build house I’ve bought on my own after 4 years back at my mum’s. There’s no shame in it - she’s enjoyed having me at home and I’ve enjoyed being with her. We have a great relationship. It’s what you make of it. She asks me to do something and I do it, because it’s her house. I’m extremely fortunate to have her support. Don’t go into it thinking it’ll be bad. It likely won’t, if you approach it with the right attitude. Good luck!

I assume that your parents suggested this as an option?

It's not pathetic to move back with your parents - both my adult DC are back home as they simply can't afford to live independently. Works for them.

However - bear in mind that it might be difficult for your parents. Apart from the fact that an extra adult in the house will increase their costs, it can also impact on their lives. For example, we no longer have a spare room to accommodate any friends or relatives who might wish to come and stay.

Guess it depends on your relationship with your parents, I have a 40 year old and 35 year old living with me from their choice. The 40 year old has gone and asked to come back twice🤷‍♀️ no shame involved just circumstances. He has had his own house then sold it, wanted to do some travelling, now bought another but its a doer upper so he continues to live with me whilst working on it and working full time. If it suits all parties and helps you save money I don't see anything wrong with it. Most parents only want the best for their children and want to help them have a better life. It's like an adult house share, we all get on with our own lives and I don't interfere with theirs unless my opinion is requested.

There's no shame in being single and child free. In fact I'd highly recommend it. But do bear in mind that your parents have got used to having the place to themselves. Even if you've got a great relationship, there's bound to be a bit of a strain sometimes.

My very very cool 40-year-old male colleague moved back in with his parents to save money to buy a place. I never thought it was "completely pathetic" (your words, OP, not mine). If I gave it any thought, it was admiration that he was taking action to improve his life. But I didn't really give it that much thought. From your post OP, it seems that you're judging yourself very harshly. Seems very sensible to me to stop paying rent and start saving so that you can take your life in a new direction. Good luck.

Seems very sensible to me to stop paying rent and start saving ...

I hope, though, that @TwinklyPinkTurtle will be paying her parents some rent! Increasing the household size by 50% has a significant knock-on effect on the cost of running the house.

Yes and doing her own share of cooking, cleaning, and contributing to all the costs along with great consideration to parents space and current routines - as it still works out much cheaper than living on your own!

I'm not thrilled about it I'll admit, I like my own space and if I had to live with anyone I'd have rather it been a partner.

Why did you wait do long to buy?

There's not much point asking people on forums about this because your experience will entirely depend on what kind of parents you have and their personalities.

Buying somewhere half decent alone is really hard. Even in my cheaper area and sizable deposit, I can only afford dumps that will take thousands of pounds to repair. Many of them have serious structural problems that go beyond just repairs, so watch out. You need all the help you can get. You can't really afford to get bogged down by other people's perceptions or embarrassment.

I did this myself - at almost exactly that age. It took me a couple of years to save / find the right house, and now I'm couple of years 'post parents' and love having my own place. It was so worth it. I was perhaps a bit embarrassed, though nobody really thought much of it when I told them. I'm in the south east, and as a single person, saving / earning enough for anywhere is really hard, so people really understood. Things like having friends over etc was essentially put on hold, and I couldn't shake feeling like I looked like a bit of a loser as a romantic prospect and nothing happened there, I think because of self-confidence really. But I'm so happy now I have a place of my own.
My parents and I have always had a good relationship. I paid them 'bills & food' - the idea was it was 'cost neutral' to them as I was hard saving. To be honest because their house was big my share of bills was a lot more than I was paying when renting smaller places, and included stuff like Sky subscription which I'd never pay for myself normally, but it was still cheaper without the rent.
Nowadays I invade at least 3 times a week and often scrounge a meal (they're happy to provide!) so probably cost them more than I did when I lived there. I asked every now and then to check in about whether they wanted me to disappear off for their own time ever but they preferred 'living as a family' than 'adult daughter in the house, cooking their own meals etc', so I just fitted in with that.

Feel no shame. You’re actually in a very good position.

You ARE still so young and have time.

Don’t be under the illusion that all people living with DPs are happy, they simply aren’t, they are stuck, particularly with the high cost of housing and living costs.

I did it when I was about 32 and it lasted under 4 months. Be very sure it'll work!

@TwinklyPinkTurtle I’m buying for the second time but this time on my own. I owned my previous flat for 10 years, having bought aged 33 with a friend, not a partner. We refurbished it, very much enjoyed living in it and sold it for almost twice what we’d paid, so I had a chunky deposit for the new place. Living with my mum for a bit in between has helped me save way more, and to decide where I wanted to buy. There’s no way I’d be buying a house without those extra savings.

It was always for a finite period of time, living back with my mum. Whilst I’ve been back at hers we’ve split all the household running costs 50/50, shared the cleaning, cooking, and I do all the diy and gardening, which is entirely fair enough. We must be doing something right, as we’re about to go on holiday together. Have to say we’re not enmeshed though - I work full time and have a busy social life, as does my mum. Having separate things going on is essential for your sanity.

Remember you’re doing it for a valid and practical reason, not because you’ve somehow ‘failed’! It’s perfectly sensible IF you can make it work.

It’s not shameful at all. I did it, and saved a deposit.
It isn’t easy as you can revert to being a teenager and they can revert to being very, er, parent-y.
Two decades on, sadly my parents are no longer with me and I can tell you that some of the laughs I had during that time are beautiful memories.
And we also became friends as well as family.
For anyone who made a comment, and a few did, I took absolutely no notice.
Still have memories of watching X Factor in ‘my room’ (my dad hated it!) and him shouting up the stairs…. will you two keep the noise down it’s not a bloody disco!
So many really, really golden moments that happened by accident that I wouldn’t be without.

My son who is a similar age has moved back in for this reason. Before that we had my oldest son, dil and 2 gc move in for 6 months while they saved up/ found somewhere affordable. It makes perfect sense.
Just all be clear on how you intend to.make it work really use of kitchen, shopping and any cleaning or shopping rotas. At the first sign of tension or irritation do a quick check to see if there needs to be any adjustment so you keep things running smoothly. Don't expect to have everything be plain sailing as living in someone elses home is very likely to run in to some little hiccups and it should hopefully be fine.

It’s only pathetic if you are doing it to sponge off them and don’t take it as an opportunity to save, and/or a chance to bond with them. As long as you are using the time there well, then there is nothing to be ashamed of.

im 36 gay male and single, i bought my first home 2 years ago at 34, i want to start a 3 year degree apprenticeship where my pay will reduce a little bit and i wont be able to do as much overtime, im just about able to pay for everything and put a little back for savings, and I mean with the cost of living I’m literally keeping my head above the water and I have had a few big pay outs with house issues although my parents have always reassured me that if I need to borrow money I can I have always just managed and havnt had to borrow anything, im panicking in case my car breaks, I have two dogs that are now senior so could be costly in the next few years, my amazing parents have said sell the house and move back in which I’m always around here anyway sometimes staying the night, me and my parents have a very good relationship, and to start and finish the degree apprenticeship at the hospital and keep saving and then start over and buy a new house when im ready, i dont want to let the house out, i actually really dislike the house as I feel I rushed into buying something with a small deposit, in an area I don’t like, buying because I could afford something, I’ve been so unhappy there and feel this is a sensible option for me to take however I can’t help in thinking im taking a step back, part of me feels abit ashamed and embarrassed, I’m 36 still single life isn’t going as I thought it would.

I would always have my dd back home anytime.

Judging by some of the stories on here you are doing amazing, there are a lot of people your age being cheated on, ending marriages and more, there is no shame in making a move back to your parents when you have a clear plan, in fact it’s a very mature and sensible thing to do, set yourself a goal for when you want to be back in your own place, what age you want kids by, then execute your plan. I reckon you’ll be alright, happy even! 😁